Thirteen

Yesterday was a big day in Casa Munoz.  We are officially parents of a teenager.  Anthony is 13 and I still can't quite wrap my head around that.  I'm not sure how it happened, but it did and I'm ready to embrace this new adventure.  I'm willing to bet it's going to be a wild one!  He is my kid after all!  Lord grant me the strength!

Dear Anthony,

There have been so many times since you were born where life seemed to slow down.  Or maybe it was just because I was holding my breath.  Like when you learned to walk.  Or the first time you said, Mama.  Then there was the first day of Kinder when you just walked straight in and never looked back.  Your last day of elementary and the first time you took the bus to middle school. All this has led us to today.  The day you turned thirteen.  I held my breath just writing it out.

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Back to School Blues

The boys are back to school and loving it.  Me?  Well, I have mowed the grass two days in a row and today I am vacuuming and steam cleaning my carpets.  Dishes are done.  Laundry is done.  The house isn't perfect but it's getting there.  I have already caught up on all my TV shows.

I'm dying here.  Bored and missing the chaos.

Grandpa Jim's mini me.  Giant feet and all!

Second grade is proving to be a lot of fun.  I have heard no complaints.  Coming from a kid who thought he was done after Kinder and who only sorta liked 1st grade, being happy about going to school 4 days in a row is a huge accomplishment. He was super bummed he didn't get the same class as some of his friends. And even more sad that the boys he does know are not allowed to do sleepovers or play dates yet. Boo!

I forgot to ask him if people read his shirt and gave him hugs

Sixth grade has been a bit of a roller coaster.  Ant can be quite the anxious kid.  He has worked really hard on being more laid back.  But a new, bigger school that is no longer just a walk away from home has him in a big of a mess.  Although David and I are probably more worried about it than he is.  Trying to have faith in him and our parenting.  He is an amazing kid.  And has already been tagged with the nickname "Baby Anthony" I can't even go there.  He lets it roll off his back but I am sure it will get old fast.  But its better than Midget Flash.  That's what they called him last year...

Last night before bed, David and I were talking about how we just need to trust our parenting and believe that they will always  make good choices.  Why is middle school so scary?  Or is it just me?  It's not just because he is so tiny.  But because he is good.  I know I can't shelter him from it all.  I know that I have talked to him about life enough for him to know better.  But in the end, I am still a parent and I still worry.

If anyone needs me, I will be scrubbing my floors, out for a bike ride or swimming.  Maybe I will clean out the garage or re arrange my pantry.  I could clean out the junk drawer or plant a fall garden.  It's going to be a long school year.

Have all the kids gone back to school?  How are they dealing with it?  How are you?

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All American Pancakes

My boys have always been in such a rush to grow up.  Ever since they were little they have been planning their future.  They will tell you about the kind of fathers they want to be.  And even the the kind of husband they will be. Its an everyday topic around here.

I have always told them that they could be whatever they want to be but that it would take a lot of hard work. But ever since they were little, they have only wanted to be one thing.  Army Strong.  Now 7 and 11 they still put on their uniforms run around like little soldiers.  Its not unusual for me to check on them and find then doing PT and running drills.

By the time they get there they will have trained their whole lives for this.  Being a soldier will require them to be strong.  Not just physically but mentally too. They need to stay healthy and active. Starting with the most important meal of the day. And no matter what Im serving up for breakfast, it is always made better with a glass of Nesquik! And it will make them better soldiers too.

How so?  Well Nesquik has the iron that will help them grow and develop. The vitamin C to keep their immune systems strong. It also has 3 essential B vitamins to help their bodies make and use energy.  See chocolate milk isn't just fun, it can be part of a healthy and balanced meal too.  And if it keeps them strong and healthy, I approve.

I am always looking for ways to keep meals healthy and fun.  We all know a nutritious breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  The boys always need a little kick to get the day started.  Fun breakfasts are the way to go.  Boys love pancakes.  Soldiers love All American Pancakes.

Ingredients

3/4c  milk
2T  white vinegar
1c  flour
2T  sugar
1t  baking powder
1t  baking soda
1/2t  salt
1  egg
2T  melted butter
Strawberries
Honey

Strawberry Sauce

Wash, hull and chop a handful of strawberries.  Toss them in a food processor with a few drops of honey and blend until smooth.  Put in a container and into the fridge while pancakes are cooking.

Pancakes

• In a large bowl mix milk and vinegar and let it sit for 5 minutes.
• In another bowl, combine flour, sugar, baking soda, baking powder and salt.
• Whisk egg and butter into the milk.
• Pour the dry mix into the wet mix and whisk until smooth.
• Heat a skillet or griddle to medium heat.  Spray with cooking spray and pour batter onto the hot pan using a 1/4 cup measuring spoon.
• When bubbles form, flip and cook for 2 more minutes or until cooked through.
• Cut out stars using a cookie cutter.  Top with strawberry sauce and blueberries.  They won't even miss the butter and syrup.

This is a kid friendly breakfast idea that you could easily make your own.  Change up the shapes and fruit to match your own tastes.  And they go great with a cold glass of Nesquik!

 

I can't wait to see what kind of men they grow up to be.  Who knows, maybe they will join the military and their childhood dreams will come true!  Or maybe next year their dreams will change. Either way I will support them.  Encourage them to dream big and bring their imagination to life.

If you are looking for fun breakfasts ideas be sure to check out Nesquik on Pinterest. And for more ideas on how you can #stirimagination check them out on YouTube!

What did you want to be when you were little?  What do your kids want to be when they grow up?  

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Weekend Adventures: Goodbye training wheels

This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone. #allfreeclear #CollectiveBias

When Spring time rolls around we are ready for some warm weather adventures.  Weekends get packed with fun trips to new parks. We spend the day at the Zoo or the Museum. We are always on the go. Rain or shine.

Last weekend we tackled another big boy right of passage.  Alex said goodbye to his training wheels!

Alex wanted to learn how to ride his brothers bike.  Not because his friends already know how to ride bikes or because, he wanted to go on bike rides as a family.  No, he wanted to make sure that he learned how to ride a bike earlier than his brother.  What is it with boys and competition?  

So we took him to the very same park his brother learned at.  Took out the bike, put his helmet one and David gave him a push.  Wait what?  He just pushed him?  Yes.  And guess what happened?  

He rode away.  On the first try.  Hes a natural. Go figure.  After the initial shock wore off it was nothing but smiles for this boy.

I wish I could see the world through their eyes.  My boys love a good adventure.  I love going on the adventures with them. Whether we are climbing up the side of a mountain or riding bikes in the park we do it together. But there are also times where I have to remind myself to step back and let them figure things out for themselves.  They need to learn how to see a problem and try to fix it.

Alex mastered balancing, pedaling, turning and the brakes.  He struggled with getting started on his own.  I tried to help him but he shrugged me off and said he would figure it out.  Hes so used to being able to do just about everything that when he struggles, he gets so frustrated.  By the 3rd try he was taking deep breaths. Then he looked around and found a solution.  Leaned up against a pole, got his pedals right and pushed off!

After he figured out how to start riding by himself, we were off to join David and Anthony.  Along the way Alex found out what happens when you go to fast around a corner and slam on the breaks.  SKID MARKS! Don't worry, there were no tears, because he never fell! He didn't even know he has made them until I told him.  I have a feeling there will be many more skid marks in his future.  Hopefully they are all as well done smoothly as his first few were!

As we walked along the trail, Anthony took off to explore the woods.  Alex was to excited about riding, that he didn't want to go.  I'm not sure if it is because I grew up in a very close knit and carefree community but I'm am not the hovering mom.  I am always encouraging them to jump farther or climb higher.  While he was exploring the woods, I could see his red shirt through the trees and I reminded him to watch where he is stepping and touching.  Because it's Spring in Texas. Rattlesnakes y'all!  Oh and allergies.

While Alex has always been my little daredevil, Anthony has always been my sensitive one.  As an infant he had a severe dairy allergy.  Then, like his doctor had hope it would, it disappeared.  Only to be replaced by seasonal allergies and asthma. In the beginning I was worried that this diagnosis would be a big life changer. My heart broke for him.  We had to make a few changes to our lives and routines, but so far everything has helped him greatly and we are still able to go on many adventures.

Seasonal allergies are off the charts here in San Antonio. Cedar, oak and mold, oh my!  And then there are the everyday things like dust and pet dander.  Lord knows we have pet dander.  No matter how hard I cleaned, they would still bring in in with them just from being outside. Until one day while we were shopping in Sam's Club, I found a detergent that changed our lives.

all® free clear detergent removes 99% of top everyday and seasonal allergens and it is the #1 Recommended brand by Dermatologist, Allergist, and Pediatricians. (all® free clear detergent is not intended to treat or prevent allergies)  I no longer have to worry if their clothes are still dirty after all our weekend adventures because this detergent delivers a powerful clean.

I wasn't sure if a simple change in laundry detergent would make a difference but I was willing to make any and all changes I could to help continue our adventures. all® free clear detergent is 100% free of dyes and perfumes so it is gentle on the skin too.  

With every load of laundry I do I know I am washing away all the things that are harmful to him.  Be sure to follow the instructions printed on the bottle.  Just the right amount of detergent and all the dirt and allergens are washed away.  The memories however, will last a lifetime!

My boys are free to be adventurous again!  

Does someone in your family have allergies?  Want to learn more about how all® free clear detergent?  Check them out below.

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This is my normal. This is my life.

I always try to stay positive.  Most days I don't realize how limited I am.  This is my life,  I'm used to it.  But after writing down things like "I don't ever leave the house alone." and "I don't usually cook unless someone else is home to make sure I turn the stove  off or to help in case I cut myself and can't atop the bleeding." for a disability review has my stomach in knots.  Having to take a good hard look at your life and realizing just how different my life is was like a kick in the gut. David tried to comfort me and remind me that none of this is my fault.  But I think it's something you just don't get until you it happens to you.  And I don't wish this feeling on anyone!

It takes every ounce of energy to focus on what I'm doing and not get distracted.  And without my medication it's almost impossible.  Medication that clears my brain but destroys my body.  Medication that cost more than I spend on groceries.

Last night was all wrong.  I put the boys to bed with any last bit of clarity I had.  I told them I was going to run the vacuum real quick.  I plugged it in the dining room and grabbed the dishes off the table and took them to the sink. I remembered  Walter needed his pain meds so I got mine out too.  Rolled his in cheese and he gobbled them up. Went to the bathroom and remembered I had towels in the dryer so I sat on the couch and watched tv while I folded them. I dozed off.  Woke up.  Put the towels away.  Laid in bed and then realized  I forgot to take my medication.  So I got up to take them.  turned off the lights.  Text David, checked fb and instagram went to bed. Only to jump up a second later to unplug the vacuum that I never ran. I laid down and read for a minute before falling asleep for the night.  Didn't hear David come home or get in bed.  Out like a light!  The three hours I spent chasing my tail had worn me out. Some weeks I can't sleep and others I can't stay awake.

Alex doesn't know the old me. Anthony doesn't remember much. We used to spend afternoons at the park and run around for hours.  I was patient and more present. And I never second guessed myself being home alone with him all day. I baked and cooked without a worry.  I am beyond blessed with boys who can be independent  when they need to be and are learning to help out more. I know it's a lot to ask of them. And I hate that I put that burden on them. But I think at the same time it teaches them responsibility and respect.  They are learning how to pick up after themselves and clean properly.  And even how to cook. All life lessons that seem lost on so many young adults these days.  They are learning that life isn't handed to you on a silver platter. And that if you want something  you really have to work for it. 

Even writing has become hard. I keep getting off track and starting new paragraphs. My spelling gets so mixed up and I don't even know what I was trying to say.  Anthony just came over to let me know that he warmed himself up dinner and that he put away the water I forgot on the counter last night. And that he will feed the dogs.  I'm sitting here hoping to finish this so I can share it before I get side tracked and it stays here like the other half written  posts on my phone. ** I didn't post right away. But I did get two loads of laundry and my bedroom cleaned before coming back now** I've been trying to finish an instagram post for the last 9 hrs too.  Done.  Finally!

Going out during the week with out David or my mother inlaw is rare.  Last week a friend picked me up and we went shopping.  I felt normal.  Thursday we are going to get our hair cut and to lunch on friday.  Moms do these things. It blows me away that some moms can just decide to go shopping and go.  I can't drive.  So I can't go anywhere with out planning ahead and asking someone to drive me.  Having friends who are willing to drag me out and along with them makes me feel so regular.  Its like being able to pretend that everything is ok.  Some people look at the rich and the famous and wish it were them.  I look at the overwhelmed multi tasking soccer moms in movies and that's who I want to be.  I want to drive though a Starbucks on my way to the boys soccer practice. I want to go to the gym.  Or have spur of the moment lunches with my girls.  To be able to go to the store when I forgot an ingredient  for dinner instead of having to ask my neighbors...again.  I want to be able to say I'm going to do something with out myself or someone else doubting me. 

But this is my normal.  This is my life.  The days I spend feeling sorry for myself are thankfully few and far between.  I just hope that someday I will get to do these things.  This is just the present and there is no telling what the future holds for me.  I just hope it includes a driver licence, Starbucks and a trip alone to the library!

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Forget Red. I am seeing Orange!

I grew up in a loud house. I mean LOUD. I'm sure our neighbors could tell you stories. There were 6 of us kids and that was crazy enough. Throw in alcoholism, anger and my parents splitting up when I was 11, at times it was unbearable. I promised myself that my children would have better. I was going to be different. I had two goals, I wasn't going to be a lush and I wasn't going to yell. The drinking was easy to stop. A failing liver and being put on the Liver transplant list brought all that to a stop. And for the record my love of Jack and Coke had nothing to do with my liver disease. But when you are pregnant with a child you already thought you couldnt have and you have just been told that you have a liver disease with no cure other than a full liver transplant, it can be a little challenging to get a grip on your emotions. And over time things didn't get any easier.

I can tell you the exact day it started. I cant remember why I yelled but I yelled and I even threw in a slammed cupboard door for added drama. My sister was living with me at the time and I remember her saying "Ok Dad!" I had snapped. I had scolded my boys before then. Yelled even but that was the first time I did it with anger! I've said it a hundred times by now. Being a mom is not for the weak. Being a mom and living with a chronic illness, well that's just impossible some days. That's when I started really yelling. And I'm not saying my condition is the reason I yell but it plays a very big part if it.  

This last summer was hard on me. August was brutal. And one day when I popped on Facebook, to vent about my horrible day, I saw a post about bloggers needed for the Yell Less Love More Blog Tour. I was randomly and by the grace of God chosen to review it. And it couldn't have come at a better time. I had no idea things could get any worse,but they did. September and October have gotten the best of me. But I can honestly say that without this book it would have been worse.

I had a plan. I was going to follow the plan religiously. Then on day 4, life happened. I yelled. More than once and I started all over. A few more days in I'd yell again. And it wasn't because the book wasn't working. It was just because I am not perfect. I didn't expect to be able to go a whole 30 days with out yelling right off the bat. One of the greatest things I have come away with from this book is that I don't have to be perfect and I'm not alone!  

And now after spending the last few weeks curled up in pain and dealing with mind blowing fatigue I am starting all over. I started taking notes right away. Hell, I've rewritten this post a handful of times. But my brain fog is clearing and I've decided to take this as a chance start the challenge all over and share it here with all of you. I'm would like to post once a week on my progress. I know how unpredictable my life can be so know its going to be brutal. And of course I'm sure there will be more setbacks, but even the smallest changes are steps in the right direction. Baby steps. Little orange rhino footprints leading the way.

Its nice to know I'm not the only one struggling with this. I don't know if its just me being hard on myself but I feel an overwhelming pressure to be better. What I like to call " Pinterest Perfect" That if I don't cook these picture perfect meals and throw these elaborately themed parties and always get along with my boys, then I am somehow not good enough. I tell my boys all the time " You don't have to be perfect! You just have to try!" Its about time I take my own advice.

In the book Sheila talks about triggers and suggested writing them down to keep track of them. How can that help? For me, it was quite sobering. Everything sets me off. I mean really, is an empty toilet paper roll worth hurt feelings? Lets just say I had a lot to work on. Once I wrote them down it was easy to look at a few and tell myself to get over it. Now most days I am able to look at the scattered toys and sigh instead instantly yelling that everything be picked up or its going in the trash. And the other day when there was no toilet paper in my bathroom, thanks David, and I had to run to the boys bathroom only to find an empty roll there too. I laughed and thought to myself, sh!t happens.

In the book you will find some great tips to help you not yell. One of them is to picture yourself on a beach. This is something that I did already. Its easy to do when you grew up on a beach like this. 

There are some other fun ones like repeating "I love you". I do this too, except I usually sing it. Sometimes through my teeth when things are really about to hit the fan. My not so pitch perfect song gets the boys attention quick! In the book, it's all laid out for you in easy to follow along chapters. I bought a new journal to have a separate place to keep track of the daily challenges, triggers and what I did right or wrong. I have to hold myself accountable. I've also spilled the beans to the family. I don't know why I thought I could do this the first time around without them.

I've already made plans to buy the book for a few friends and family members who I know could use it. Starting next week I will be sharing my journey through the challenge. If you haven't don't it yet check out The Orange Rhino and take the challenge today! Because if there is one thing I can promise you its that life is short and if you can yell less and love more it will be so much more worth it all in the end.

Pre order your copy of Yell Less, Love More HERE and join the club. I'm pretty sure yelling in excitement is allowed :) I know I did when I was chosen to receive a free advanced copy to review. Thank You Sheila for this opportunity!

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Define Disability...

If you have been following the blog for a while you may have heard me talk about receiving Disability Benefits. I don't talk much about it because I have gotten a bit of backlash for it. I didn't apply so I wouldn't have to work. I did it because there is no way I could go back to work and keep myself as "stable" as I am right now. And surviving on Davids income alone seems impossible. I had been planning on going back to work just before I was diagnosed.

Today I got a letter in the mail stating that my case was under review. I stared at the pages on the packet I have to fill out. I remembered how small I felt in that courtroom asking for help. How scared and embarrassed I was. Even though I had a whole team of doctors behind me, supporting me. Even with David beside me reminding me to breath and to stop laughing out of nervousness. What I really wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die. It honestly seemed like it would be easier. Being questioned about things I was just learning and not having enough confidence to fight for myself. It was awful. I was denied. And after my lawyer pushed back, we won. I feel all those emotions coming back to me as I write this. What if I am denied again.

I would love to be able to work a full time job. But I'd have to stop taking my medication and my encephalopathy would only worsen. Yesterday I made banana bread, turned the oven off but never took the bread out of the oven. I've locked my self out of the house and left the stove on. I have cut myself, fallen, gotten lost and forgot who I was. I've become hesitant to leave the house. I dread it. But I try to make the most of my good days. I can volunteer with the Rescue every chance I can. David drives me and is ready to pick me up as soon as I call him. I spend soccer practice in the car because I worry that I look as bad as I feel. I put on a smile as part of my outfit for the day even though on the inside I am an anxious wreck. I deny help because I hate that I need it. Do you know how hard it is to be a good parent when you are so unsure of yourself? When your mood can go from hot to cold before you can even catch your breath. Have you ever been so mentally exhausted because when you kids are home you are constantly keeping track in your head of where they are and telling yourself they are fine. All while trying to double check everything you are doing so you don't screw something up

When I get home after school my thoughts go a little something like this.

Ok it's 3:15. Is the garage door closed? Doors locked? How many kids do I have? One. Two. Three. Where is Grandma? Backpacks!! Folders. Oh wait, whats for snack today? Did I make something? OH crap I hope I turned the oven off. Where is everyone? Backpacks! Folders. Folders. Folders. OK everyone has their folders. What was for snack again? Wait! Did I eat today? I should eat something. Did I put the clothes in the dryers? Dinner, whats for dinner? Oh hey look someone commented on my FB picture. Wait, when did I share that picture? Oh I forgot to text so and so back. Oops David text me 2 hours ago and I never hit send. Sorry Baby! What was I doing? Where are the dogs? Oh right behind me. Where are the kids? Guys?!?! Anthony is in his room reading. Alex and Eva are finishing homework. OK. Crap!!! Guys! Come get your snacks! Sorry. Dinner. I need to start dinner. Practice in 3 hours. Wait where is the soccer bag? ANTHONY!! I should text Grandma and see if she can watch Alex. No energy to play soccer with him at practice. Dinner, right. Wait GUYS! Where are you? Homework now! OK. Dinner. First water. Feeling a little queasy. I never ate did I? Breath. What time is it. 3:30. Focus Kim.

Sometimes I catch myself just pacing back and forth with my hands on my hips trying to figure out what I am supposed to be doing. By the time I start dinner I am done. And that's just in my head. If only I could give you a run down of my medication and the side effects. Maybe someday. But its something that has to be done and I am determined to do it until I physically can't anymore. That sounds a little stubborn, but I know what my future holds. I know I will miss dinners because I am in the hospital. I know that there will be weeks where I can't find the strength to make dinner. I try to remind myself that cuddling them a little longer, read another chapter or at least sit with them while they fall asleep because there will be days that I will miss it all. Even the meltdowns and arguments, I know I will miss them too.

But for right now, I am just going to fill out theses form, have faith in the doctors and my own decisions.

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What makes me so special?

I wish you all could have seen the light in his eyes when he told me that he was chosen to be student of the week.  This is a kid who always gives 100% in school.  One who wakes up every morning (usually before his alarm) and is excited to go.  He struggles, yes.  He has been bullied.  But it doesn't stop him one bit from going back each day with a smile.

Homework is done as soon as we get home, so we laid everything out like usual and started going over his student of the week poster.  Name up top.  A story about something big that happened in his life, which he chose when we added Poncho to the family.  There was a questionnaire about his favorite things.  And then it asked who his hero was. And with out skipping a beat he said " You are my hero."

At first I didn't think I was hearing him right.  Me?  Lately we have been driving each other crazy. I've been yelling like a mad man and he has been full of attitude and anger.  Me?  Really?  What makes me a hero?  I asked him if maybe he would want to choose his grandpa or uncle who is in the military. I'm no hero.  I wasn't looking for validation or anything but I wondered why he would pick me. And he gave me reason after reason.  Until he was hugging me tightly and telling me that he loved me.  Its not very often he is so loving, so you had better believe I wrapped him up in my arms and held him for a minute. Or three.

I've never been any ones hero before.  But hearing him name off things that I do that make him think I am one, made my whole week.  He would write and erase.  Start over again.  When I asked him why he said, "There isn't enough room for me to say it all, but at least I can just tell you how special you are!" The very last sentence says " She's also on the liver transplant list. For 5 years now. And not even that stops her from loving us the way she does."

I don't know if he has any idea, but he made my heart so happy.  Most days I feel like I'm a train wreck and that I have failed this whole mom thing.  But knowing that despite all our arguments and eye rolling, Oh God the eye rolling, he still knows that I love him and would do anything for him and his brother.  That makes all the worry disappear, even if just for a few hours. My guys are my everything. No matter how tired or how bad I hurt, they will always come first!  Always.  I still don't think that makes me a hero.  Just a mom!

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If I could wish you Happy Fathers Day...

I wasn't until after I left home that I was able to really see just how full of love my Dad was.  Seeing him hold my sons for the first times.  Listening to him tell them about how he used to hold me the very same way.  Watching them climb up into his lap and lay there with him just as I remember doing as a little girl.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss him.  We used to talk for hours about cooking and the boys.  "Because they are boys" was always his answer for all my parenting whys!  Now when that stuffed Luigi ends up in the toilet for the second time, I close my eyes and ask "WHY"!!  And I remember his voice telling me why.  Just like that I can smile about it.

Its our first Fathers Day with out him.  Our conversation last year was very different from our usual.  He apologized for the past.  He was sick and sober and the guilt had washed over him. All the things that had happened in the past, were just that to me. The past.  I hope I was able to help him realize that I had forgiven him for any wrongs years before.  I hope he felt it in my voice when I told him that I loved him and that I would always love him regardless of what had happened before.  I told  him that I understood now why things were the way they were and why he was the way he was.  There were no hard feelings.  I remember just telling him that he need to keep on fighting because there was still so much we needed to do.  But after a little over a month, he was just to tired to keep on going.

Now almost a year later, and I can still hear his voice.  I still wake up in the middle of the night hearing him cough or arguing with the TV.  Sometimes when David hugs me I swear my Dad steps in because the hug gets just a little bit tighter.  The little things that pop into my head while I am cooking.  I love when I am watching the boys play and I am overwhelmed with my love for them.  And I think, Dad loved me just like this.  Its an every day reminder to love them deeper and let them know it.

Happy Fathers Day to a man who loved his kids more than we will every fully understand.  To a Father that worked very hard to provide for us even when we didn't appreciate it.  To a Father who loved being a Grandpa and made it known to the whole world just how proud he was of all of us.  I wish you were given the respect you deserved.  I took you for granted and now I would give anything to have you back.  Just to tell you one more time that I love you, unconditionally and that I always will.  I miss our summer adventures.  Our middle of the night conversations and the random recipe emails you used to send.  I miss the HEB cards you would send the boys.  I miss the messages on the answering machine and the way you signed your name at the end of your letters.  I miss your support and words that fixed everything.  I miss you Dad, every day!  Happy Fathers Day!

Dad and I were always the ones behind the camera, I only have a few pictures of me and him from the last few years and that is one of my greatest regrets.  The memories are there though.  I am glad to have many of him with my boys though.  They will need them to look back on when they remember and hear about just how much he loved them!

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Happiness is __________{week 12} #happinessis

I am linking up today with Lisa over at Crazy Adventures in Parenting and sharing what Happiness is for me.  And aside from yesterdays post, there has been lots of happiness going on around here!

Happiness is having kids in the kitchen!  Growing up, veggies were always my job while dad cooked and I love when these guys help me out.

Together we made a meal we all enjoyed.  Lex at a whole fillet of fish plus another half! Ant chose to have leftovers for dinner the next night!

Happiness is knowing I am capable of fixing things around the house.  Even if I broke it even more before I finally got it fixed!

Happiness is bringing this beautiful girl home and helping her find her forever home!  Meet our foster dog, Haiku! Anyone looking to add another 4 legs to the family?  She is sweet as can be and just beautiful!

Happiness is knowing that I am making progress in my runs.  I used to only be able to get a mile or two in a week before the pain and fatigue took over.  Now I am getting in 1-3 miles a run.  

And last but not at all least, is finding this guys sleeping just like he did when he was a baby.  Like a turtle.  It was a reminder of how far we have come.  How much we have all grown. Still a few miles behind Lisa!

What made you happy this week?  Don't forget to stop by Crazy Adventures in Parenting and see what is making others happy!

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After 3 years, I am done waiting!

Today marks my 3rd year listed for a liver transplant   I have been dreading this day, well maybe not dreading but I have been well aware of it creeping up on me. I didn't know quite how I would feel about it, but I am OK with it.

Still listed!

The last 3 years have brought so much joy and so much pain in my life.  I found strength in myself that I didn't know was there.  Life was turned upside down and shaken, but today we are all right where we need to be.  My boys are healthy, happy and thriving.  David and I have never been better.  I can look forward and see a future with me in it.  I found friends I didn't know I needed.  I was able to get over a lot of the pain and guilt that held me back all these years.  I have had more good days than bad.  I spent less time at the doctors and more time with my family.  There were lots of tears.  The hardest part was saying to say goodbye to my Dad last July.  But a promise to be strong and knowing that he was proud of me and had faith in me has been a constant reminder to me to keep my head up.  Even when I am at my worst, I can feel him helping me breath and wiping away my tears.

This morning when I jumped online the first thing I came across a video on Your Sassy Self and I realized that I have still been letting my illness hold me back.  Yes I have big hopes and dreams.  There are things I plan on doing, but there was always something keeping me from taking that first jump.  I think I am ready to go now.  This week I will be going over my lists and trying to figure out where the heck I am going to start.

So, Happy 3 years on the transplant waiting list to me.  For the past 3 years I have been doing just that.  Waiting.  Its time to start living.  Really living.  I thought I was, but its clear to me now that I have been holding back so much.  Time to jump!

Do you have a bucket list?  What are some things you want to do before your time here is over? Have you crossed anything off yet?

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Happiness is________ {week 11} #happinessis

This week has been full of all sorts of surprises. Most which were good ones :)  This week happiness is....

New books.  All I have read in the last few months have been cookbooks, but nothing looked good, so back to some good reading it is.  I started with a book about a man in prison whos last wish is to give his heart to his victims dying sister.  Right up my alley :) 

And how can these sweet faces not make you happy?  My friend is fostering them for the next 4 weeks so If you or anyone you know is looking to add to the pack, let me know!!  They will bring you a life time of happiness!

Speaking of the pack, here is how we spend our afternoons.  This dog has brought so much happiness to our family!  Nothing makes this kid happier than a cuddle with his dog!

Happiness is finding this very cool guy that kept us busy for a few hours.  Time freezes for caterpillars   The boys and I can watch them wiggle around all day long.  My son was more than happy to explain the whole process of becoming a butterfly!  I love that he loves nature as much as I do!

And the greatest happiness this week was watching this guy win a good behavior award at school. He was so nervous but her earned it!  And I am so proud of him :)

What brought you happiness this week? Leave a link in the comments to your status updates, tweets and Instagram photos that make you happy! Or tag them with #happinessis! I would love to see them!  And don't forget to stop by Crazy Adventures in Parenting and see what is making others happy!

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Lets go to the Zoo!

What is it about the Zoo that turns me into a child again.  It might have a lot to do with the memories of going with my family when I was little.  I have only one memory of the Albuquerque Zoo.  That one involved a huge snake that followed me though the glass of its enclosure as I walked along the ledge.  I remember feeling much better once I was back in Dads arms.  I'm pretty sure that started my fascination with the slithery kind.

 

The San Diego Zoo was next.  And many of trips to the Honolulu Zoo helped strengthen my love. We visited one in Massachusetts one Summer.  And we have taken the boys to The Brevard, Houston and of course The San Antonio Zoo.  The boys love Africa Live.  The Hippos and Giraffes are always favorites of theirs.  Me, I could spend an hour in the Snake House.  I love it.  As terrified as I am that one of the glass windows will pop open and a snake will fall at my feet, it is my favorite part of the whole zoo.  That also explains why I have hundreds of pictures like these on my hard drive. These were taken this weekend.  The boys bought me a family pass for Mothers Day.  Perfect!

Did you make it this far?  If you did, what is your favorite part of the zoo?  Did you go there as a child and do you take your family now?  Be back soon with more pictures of the legged animals! Happy Tuesday!

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Why I love Mothers Day: Pt2

Alexander-

The morning that I went to the hospital to have you was one of the happiest days of my life.  And I had no idea how much my life was about to change or just how special our bond was going to be.  But as soon as I heard your little cry I could not imagine a life with out you. Someday you will understand the whole story, but always know that you are my saving grace. When daddy handed you to me and I held you, I knew that there was so much more to come in my life.  I knew that I was about to embark on a whole new journey and you have not disappointed me there.  Life in your eyes is one big adventure.  I am just lucky enough to be here for the ride.

It was clear from the start, you are a mommas boy.  And while some days I could use a few minutes to myself, I have come to accept that is not very likely.  You are a lover and shower me in hugs and kisses every day.  And even though you are only a 1/4 Marshallese you run on island time.   Most days you are as silly as can be.  You are cute and you know just when you flash those big brown eyes for a little help in getting out of what ever trouble it is you are finding yourself in.  And it works.  Your smile is contagious and a smirk that always makes me nervous.  They will both get you in to some trouble later on in life!

Your energy amazes me.  You are the boy that pics weeds for me instead of flowers because they are just as beautiful.  You hover around me when I am sick and always remind me to take my meds.  You are 4 years old and my hugs and kisses still fix your bumps and bruises.  I will hold on to that for as long as I can.  Lucky for me, unlike your big brother, you are perfectly fine being the baby.  You won't hear me complaining about that either.  Stay small and sweet for as long as you can.

Mommas Boy?  I think so!

I hope in time I am able to help you understand just how thankful I am to have you here in my life.  A life I would have lost if it weren't for you.  I will always do my best to show you that!  You are my angel.  Thank You for saving me.  I love you little man!

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Red flags and alarms.

Lots of little red flags going up over the past few days.  My balance is off.  Nosebleeds.  Head and muscle aches.  Fatigue. Loss of appetite. Last week was rough.  Saturday was better, and Sunday I felt amazing.  But come Monday, I was nervous.  I had to literally roll out of bed.  Managed to get lunch pack and Anthony to the bus stop on time.  Luckily David was going in late so I was able to rest until noonish.  But by the time he left at 2 I wanted to beg him to stay.  I have always been so good at sucking it up.  Yesterday I just couldn't.  

Luckily for me my boys are amazing when it comes to mom having a bad day.  Alexander cuddled in bed with me until my alarm went off to go to the bus stop.  So off we went, still in our pajamas.  You couldn't have paid me to get out of my sweats yesterday.  Got home just in time to bleed out of my face and get back it bed.  The boys hung out with me for a while.  I got a foot rub from one and the other made a fan to fan me with.  They really know how to treat a woman!  After a good 30 minuet rest until another alarm reminded me that I had to get up to make dinner.  I made some dessert.  The boys played for a while until another alarm rang out.  "Meds!"  The boys call out to remind me to take them.  This also meant bath time.  Another alarm at 7:45 sends Anthony to bed. Sweet Dreams!  Can you believe they went a whole day with NO fighting.  Thank the Lord for that! Alexander and I crawled back into bed at 10.  He passed out and I stayed up for a few more hours.  Big mistake.

This morning, I heard my alarm go off.  I hit snooze and closed my eyes for a little longer.  Then I got up and went to the bathroom.  I sat on the side of the tub and looked down at my phone.  6:39.  WHAT?  Then the alarm to go to the bus stop went off.  A ran to Anthonys room.  He was snoring away!  Talk about a rude awakening.  We rush but there was no way we were going to make it.  So we just slowed down.  Today he has a big reading test, so I'm hoping that the extra 30 mins of sleep will help.  The walk to school sure woke him up.  He was full of questions this morning though.  We walked and talked about why I didn't feel good.  Poor kid apologized for sleeping in and me having to walk him to school.  I explained that I should have been up earlier so he was not at all to blame.  It actually ended up being a great conversation and hopefully he has a better understanding of my being sick but not looking sick.  Ill save the deets for another post though.  It deserves it!  

Now to finish my grocery list and see who can take me shopping.  Just another reminder that I am unable to do things for myself.  But instead of feeling sorry for myself, I am going remind myself of how blessed I am to have people here who are willing to help.  You have to look on the bright side.  Otherwise life will swallow you up!  Here is to hoping the week only gets better!  Much love!

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Giving in to the pain #HAWMC

Day 26 (April 26) – Pain-Free Pass

What’s a day that you wish you could have used a pain-free pass (either in the future or the past)? How would being pain or worry-free impact that day?

Even before I was sick I was always worried that I was would let my son down. And then when we found out we were expecting another I worried even more. Then I was diagnosed and was told that I was only going to get more sick. And I remember saying to myself that I would never let my sickness come between me and my boys.  I had no idea what I was in for. 

I can't even remember now, what he wanted to do. But I remember that I was lying in bed. Exhausted and in pain. Nursing a newborn.  I was hoping that he would just lie in bed with me and watch a movie. Anthony was 100% sure that he wanted to go outside and that insisted I go too.  After explaining more than once, the anger on his face turned to hurt. I saw it wash over him like a wave.  I had let him down and he didn't understand why. 

"You never play with me anymore, all you do is lay down in bed with the baby"

Ouch!  These words stung like a thousand bees. Broke my heart in to a million pieces and left me feeling like the worst mom in the world.  Slowly but surely my illness had taken bits of me away from my boy. I didn't see it, but he sure did. Just thinking about his face that day brings the tears right back up.  I let the pain win. 

It was a long time before I was able to forgive myself for letting myself be sick sometimes. Every time I tell my boys that I am to sick or to tired, I remember those big brown eyes filling with tears.  I question if its worth breaking their little hearts to lay in bed or if there is anyway I can work around it.  But the fact is, I am sick.  I am going to have days where I just cant and they are not going to understand it.  Not yet anyways.

I would give anything to go back to that day and have the energy to say yes to him.  To take him for a walk or play out back.  I wish I would have just sucked it up and played with him.  Given him one more day of getting just what he wanted.  One more day to be the center of attention. One less day with a sick mom.

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Adversity #HAWMC

Day 21 – Adversity

“The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all.” – Mulan True or false? When do you bloom best? Today’s post was recommended by Christina of www.stickwithitsugar.com

True!  Its amazing how far I've come in a life that I thought was going to be to hard to live.  Around every corner of my life has been some sort of conflict.  And after each one I have only come out stronger.

I made it though a childhood that was hell fueled by alcohol and abuse.  I am 13 years into a relationship that I wasn't even sure I deserved.  After years of infertility and loss, I am the mother of two beautiful boys.  And now I am living with a liver disease that very well could take my life. But I have 100% faith in my fight.  I know this too will be another mark on my path.  Because of it, I will only be stronger.

Through all the hardships I have come though, I know I am only stronger because of them.  If I had come from a privileged childhood, I don't think I would be able to handle the struggles I faced when I left home.  My two miscarriages were heartbreaking but have taught me to cherish my babies here with me today.  My  marriage has taught me to fight for what I believe in and that with love, all things are possible. Hows that for blooming!

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Taking some time to say Thank You! #HAWMC

Day 14 (April 14) – Spread the Love

Thank a few of your fellow Health Activists for what they have done. Call them out by name or twitter handle. Share your love.

Today is a good day to say thank you to a few friends who have come into my life just when I needed them. These ladies have always been full of inspiration and support whenever I needed it.  Like virtual shoulders to lean on.  I had no clue that this blog would bring me a whole new kind of family.

This mom is amazing.  I can always count on her to reply to my crazy twitter rants.  She gets my sarcasm and her daughter Anna is my hero.  She was one of the first people to reach out to me when I started sharing my life on the transplant list.  Paula is the blogger behind Our Transplant Journey.  Following their road to Annas liver transplant.  And now the road after transplant   Anna got her new liver in September last year and I am beyond happy for her.

Jamee from A New Kind of Normal is one strong and amazing lady.  She has been though just about everything imaginable and always comes out fighting.  Through her blog I have found so much hope and inspiration.  If you have read any of the "Sharing our Spoons" posts, that is all Jamees doing.  I have so enjoyed doing them too.  They give me a sense of direction and goals to reach for.  Thank You Jamee for being such an inspiration to not only me but so many others out there dealing with Chronic Illness.


Rhiann over at My brain lesion and me is a great example of what a Health Activist is.  She shares her life with a long standing brain stem lesion and spastic paraparesis.  She starting blogging in hopes of finding someone else out there dealing with the same diagnosis.  Sound familiar?  To me yes.  Rihann is amazing at making me not feel alone out in the crazy world of Chronic illness.  I usually stay in touch with her on twitter but I stopped by her blog recently and saw that she has started a spoonie book club.  This has my name all over it!!

Ricki was one of my very first liver buddies.  And there are not even great enough words to tell you all how amazing this woman is.   She is a wife and mom and a TWO time transplant recipient.  She answered all my questions and was always there for support when I needed it most.  Her blog Rickis Journey is full of information and advice for those of us dealing with liver disease.  These days shes not on twitter as often as she used to be, but guess what, that makes me happy!  Because she is out there living her life to the fullest.  I still keep in touch with her mostly though FB now.  Seeing pictures of her and her family now give me the hope and faith in life after transplant.  She is such an inspiration and I am blessed to have found her!    

My sister from another mother!  When Marissa first reached out to me about being featured on her 12-12-12 project, I cant lie, I was thinking, is this lady for real?  A year later, and I can tell you with out doubt, this chick is legit.  Last year, she decided to focus a whole year to learning about others conditions instead of her own.  Last February, I was featured on her blog Abledis.  And all year long I was blown away by the time and effort she put in to learn and share each new diagnosis with us.  When I say I love this girl, I mean it.  She sends me random messages to let me know that she is thinking of me.  And she rocks my Hope for Kim bracelet like its a Rolex!  She does so much all while dealing with her own hidden disability.  Amazing!

I just want to say thank you ladies for always being here.  Your never ending support means the world to me!  You are all so wonderful and I am so blessed to have found you. You are doing so much for our health community!  I can't say it enough, THANK YOU!!  

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Am I doing this right?? #HAWMC

Day 9 (April 9) – Caregiving

As a parent with health conditions, what do you hope you’re doing right?

"Am I doing this right?"  I ask myself this at least once a day.  I second guess everything I do. From what I am feeding them to how I discipline them.  And I can only hope I am doing half of it right.

Parenting is hard enough as it is.  Parenting while living with a chronic illness is just exhausting. They say the best thing you can do for your family is to take care of yourself, but when is there ever time for a mom to take care of herself in the first place.  I don't know if there is one specific part of parenting I hope I am doing right.  Some days I feel like I am super mom and other days, I swear I am doing it all wrong.

There once was a time when I was the strict mom.  The mom who refused to let her kids have candy or even a drop of soda.  Who fed her kids perfect meals on time and who said her kids would not have electronic devices until they were at least 10.  Then I got sick.  I didn't have the energy to say no.  Meals don't always get on the table right on time.  And I will admit that my kids love their electronics far more than I would like them too.   But it all gives me a few extra minuets to rest or get things done.  Compromise right?

What about when it comes to explaining to the boys just how sick I am?  Yesterday at soccer practice, I started to feel a little faint.  And my very first thought was, How I was going to get to the restrooms in case they called an ambulance.  I don't want Anthony to see me get loaded up and taken away.  And especially not in public.  I had it all planned out.  I was going to ask on the the other parents to walk me over to the street and away from his view.  Could I really hide this from him?  I just didn't want to put him on the spot like that. These are the kinds of things that run though my head all day now.

I am suddenly feeling really guilty about so much. Should I have been as honest as I have been? It is hurting Anthony to know that I am sick, should I have shielded him from it all?  This is my the part that gets me the most.  The part that keeps me up at night.  I have answered almost all his questions with complete honesty.  He asked me to promise once that I wouldn't die and I changed the subject.  I would have for him to be angry at me if God forbid something went wrong and I didn't make it.  I want him to be aware of what is happening but I don't want him to worry any more than he already does.  I don't know if there is a right or wrong way to deal with this, but I know if there was, with my luck, I've got it all wrong.

Alexander is 4 now.  I have explained to him that he can not climb on me or that I cant carry him because I hurt, but he hasn't really questioned it.  He pretty much just expects me to suck it up and pick him up.  Hes quite the kid that boy.  But I know the day will come when he starts to ask questions and I don't know what I am going to do.  If I have messed one kid up I don't want to do it again.  But how do I keep him in the dark when everyone else already knows.  What am I going to do?  I have no idea, I just hope I do it right.

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Because I AM happy! #HAWMC

Today’s Prompt:
(No so) Wordless Wednesday.  Post a picture that symbolizes your condition and your experiences.

I know I have shared this photo on Facebook but I feel that it works perfect for the prompt of the day: Find a picture today that you think tells the story of YOU.   Why does it speak to you?

A friend shot this for me when we went to take some pictures in a bluebonnet patch last weekend. As I was going though the pictures my first thought was "man, I look so puffy".  But then when I showed it to David he said he liked it mostly because I look really happy.  And that made me take a closer look.

Five years ago, I couldn't even picture being where I am today.  I wasn't sure if I would make it through the week.  I was pregnant and even the Drs were worried that one of us wouldn't make it to delivery.  Anthony, my oldest, was asking questions that I didn't know how to answer and I was pushing everyone away and shutting them out because I thought it would be easier on them if anything happened to me.  I wanted to live, but I didn't know if I would.  

But I found my way out of the dark.  I decided I was going to fight.  For me, for my boys and for my marriage.  I stopped feeling sorry for myself.  I started taking life more seriously and not so serious at the same time.  I learned to roll with the punches even though they knocked me down a few times.  And I started to live again.  

I know that things will never be the same as they used to be.  Plans change and new issues will come up along the way.   Things will not always go the way I want or plan them to.  But I am here.  I am alive.  And I am happy.  That's what this picture says to me.

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