April 30, 2013

Giving in to the pain #HAWMC

Day 26 (April 26) – Pain-Free Pass
What’s a day that you wish you could have used a pain-free pass (either in the future or the past)? How would being pain or worry-free impact that day?

Even before I was sick I was always worried that I was would let my son down. And then when we found out we were expecting another I worried even more. Then I was diagnosed and was told that I was only going to get more sick. And I remember saying to myself that I would never let my sickness come between me and my boys.  I had no idea what I was in for. 

I can't even remember now, what he wanted to do. But I remember that I was lying in bed. Exhausted and in pain. Nursing a newborn.  I was hoping that he would just lie in bed with me and watch a movie. Anthony was 100% sure that he wanted to go outside and that insisted I go too.  After explaining more than once, the anger on his face turned to hurt. I saw it wash over him like a wave.  I had let him down and he didn't understand why. 

"You never play with me anymore, all you do is lay down in bed with the baby"

Ouch!  These words stung like a thousand bees. Broke my heart in to a million pieces and left me feeling like the worst mom in the world.  Slowly but surely my illness had taken bits of me away from my boy. I didn't see it, but he sure did. Just thinking about his face that day brings the tears right back up.  I let the pain win. 

It was a long time before I was able to forgive myself for letting myself be sick sometimes. Every time I tell my boys that I am to sick or to tired, I remember those big brown eyes filling with tears.  I question if its worth breaking their little hearts to lay in bed or if there is anyway I can work around it.  But the fact is, I am sick.  I am going to have days where I just cant and they are not going to understand it.  Not yet anyways.

I would give anything to go back to that day and have the energy to say yes to him.  To take him for a walk or play out back.  I wish I would have just sucked it up and played with him.  Given him one more day of getting just what he wanted.  One more day to be the center of attention. One less day with a sick mom.

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