Bittersweet Birthdays

I woke up this morning with an incredibly heavy heart.  Today is Dads birthday.  And I want nothing more than to call him up and hear him laugh when I remind him how many times we celebrated his 50th birthday. A total of three years in a row until we finally got it right!  He went along with it.  Every year.

After breakfast there was a soft knock on the door.  I opened it to an older couple and immediately saw he was holding a bible.  He asked if he could speak to me about something and I knew what was coming.  I know many people don't answer or send them away, but I had to hear what he had to say. Today of all days.  He asked me " When you pray who do you talk to?"  To which I replied "My Father." He said most people reach out to Jesus Christ and I said "Oh I was talking about my dad!"  For a second I thought he was going to laugh at me.  And when he went on that he meant who in heaven I talk, with tears welling up in my eyes I said My Father.  Especially today.  The tears didn't stop.  He read to me and I stood, head down, tears hitting the floor.  He said he wanted to come back and I didn't have the words to say no.  It has been a rough morning.

One thing he said stuck with me though.  He is not gone.  He is just having a rest until you meet again. And you will.  Crazy because last night I shared this song on Facebook.

Its been real hard with out him here.  But I know he had been though so much and I know he was tired. I would give anything to have him back healthy but I find peace in knowing he is no longer in pain.  Even to this day before I make big decisions, I listen for his advice and wonder what he would say.  I hope that when he looks down on me that he is proud of me.  

Happy 50th (+15) Birthday Dad!  I miss you every day.  The boys miss you.  We talk about you often. Always loving.  Always loved.

Today will not be lost to sadness because it is also my Nephews Birthday!  I love you bunches Brady. There is always a positive!

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Friday 5: Five things I miss most about my Dad

In a few days my heart will break all over again. Its hard to think that he has been gone for a year already. Maybe it feels like shorter because I still hear him correcting me over my shoulder when I cook or because my boys ask about him so often that it almost feels as if he is still here on earth.  One year.  Ten years.  The pain will always be the same.   I miss my daddy more than anything.  Not a day goes by I don't think about him.

1. I miss calling him at work.  Hearing "Communications.  This is Jim"  As we would talk I would picture his office. The money jar we would take change out of to buy something from the vending machines when we visited. The walrus "bone" that he was so proud of.   The emergency cigarette in a glass case.   Photos of us kids pinned up.  The smell of the office.  It was one of my most favorite places.  And for so many reasons.  He loved his job.  Losing it ate him up inside and I know it played a big part in his health failing after he left.  
2. I miss the Summer Vacations.  There was nothing more that this man wanted than to spend time with his kids and grand kids.  He had all these plans of places we could visit.  A few days before he passed we were talking about it all.  He said he would be better before next summer and then we would plan something big. Only its Summer and he is not here anymore.  It has been so hard to accept that.  
3. Dad sent the BEST care packages.  So much of what we have around the house, came wrapped in pages of the Kwaj Hourglass.  The boys bust out their Kimonos just about every day.  Alex prefers his snacks to the rice bowl Grandpa Jim gave him.  My little jewelry box.  The Marshallese Handicrafts around the house. Quite a few of the spices in my pantry.  I still have unopened sauces and things he sent that I have yet to use.  Not sure if I ever will be able to.
4. As much as it may have drove me crazy.  I miss hearing him say "Of course they did that!  They are boys" That was his answer to everything.  That and "well look at who their grandpa is"  I would roll my eyes and then laugh because its was true. I would always feel better after hearing him say that. Now it is what I tell myself.  When there are underwear hanging from the fan or they are acting up.  I take a deep breath and remind myself that they are just boys.  And when they comment on the weather or critique my cooking, yup...they hare his grand kids!
5. When it came to hugs, nothing could compare to his.  Not to soft and not to tight.  Just enough for you to know that no matter how complicated our lives were he loved us.  He would squeeze tight at the end and when he turned his head his beard would tickle my face.  Always followed by a kiss on the cheek.  I think this is what I will always miss most about him.  What I wouldn't do for just one more hug!

This week has been unbearable.  I have not been myself. Today the puppy chewed Alexs sneakers up.  The ones Dad bought Anthony and now Alex was wearing.  I have never cried over a pair of shoes before but these ones were special.  Then I imagined him telling me that they are only shoes. I will buy him another pair.  

Some days I am so angry that he is gone.  That he is missing out on our lives.  I wont get to tell him about Alexanders first day of school.  I won't open anymore packages in the mail.  No more hugs. I wont ever hear him laugh.  But I like to think that now, he can see it all.  That he sees all of us and all we are doing.  I think that he is happy when we are happy and sad when we struggle. I think he is still proud of us when we do the right things.  I know he would have a lot to say about how broken we have been without him.  I am hoping that this next year will be easier. I've been told it takes time.  That it gets easier.  I will try to remember that!

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Happiness is ______ {Week 13} #happinessis

Happiness is this girl!  My niece, who is just a doll!  It is kinda weird to have a baby girl around the house, but you won't catch me complaining :)

Happiness is a trip to a new dog park.  New doggy friends and the sight these boys rocking out with my 80s headbands.  

Happiness is Instagram Video and the little things a big brother will do to make his brothers morning just a little sweeter! 

Happiness is getting the same day results.  I am cancer free.  The lump is a fibroadenoma.  A non cancerous breast tumor.  God is good!  I feel like I can finally breath again!  

I'm linking up with Lisa over at Crazy Adventures in Parenting.  What is made you happy last week?  What are you looking forward to for this week?  Be sure to stop by and see what is making others happy :)

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If I could wish you Happy Fathers Day...

I wasn't until after I left home that I was able to really see just how full of love my Dad was.  Seeing him hold my sons for the first times.  Listening to him tell them about how he used to hold me the very same way.  Watching them climb up into his lap and lay there with him just as I remember doing as a little girl.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss him.  We used to talk for hours about cooking and the boys.  "Because they are boys" was always his answer for all my parenting whys!  Now when that stuffed Luigi ends up in the toilet for the second time, I close my eyes and ask "WHY"!!  And I remember his voice telling me why.  Just like that I can smile about it.

Its our first Fathers Day with out him.  Our conversation last year was very different from our usual.  He apologized for the past.  He was sick and sober and the guilt had washed over him. All the things that had happened in the past, were just that to me. The past.  I hope I was able to help him realize that I had forgiven him for any wrongs years before.  I hope he felt it in my voice when I told him that I loved him and that I would always love him regardless of what had happened before.  I told  him that I understood now why things were the way they were and why he was the way he was.  There were no hard feelings.  I remember just telling him that he need to keep on fighting because there was still so much we needed to do.  But after a little over a month, he was just to tired to keep on going.

Now almost a year later, and I can still hear his voice.  I still wake up in the middle of the night hearing him cough or arguing with the TV.  Sometimes when David hugs me I swear my Dad steps in because the hug gets just a little bit tighter.  The little things that pop into my head while I am cooking.  I love when I am watching the boys play and I am overwhelmed with my love for them.  And I think, Dad loved me just like this.  Its an every day reminder to love them deeper and let them know it.

Happy Fathers Day to a man who loved his kids more than we will every fully understand.  To a Father that worked very hard to provide for us even when we didn't appreciate it.  To a Father who loved being a Grandpa and made it known to the whole world just how proud he was of all of us.  I wish you were given the respect you deserved.  I took you for granted and now I would give anything to have you back.  Just to tell you one more time that I love you, unconditionally and that I always will.  I miss our summer adventures.  Our middle of the night conversations and the random recipe emails you used to send.  I miss the HEB cards you would send the boys.  I miss the messages on the answering machine and the way you signed your name at the end of your letters.  I miss your support and words that fixed everything.  I miss you Dad, every day!  Happy Fathers Day!

Dad and I were always the ones behind the camera, I only have a few pictures of me and him from the last few years and that is one of my greatest regrets.  The memories are there though.  I am glad to have many of him with my boys though.  They will need them to look back on when they remember and hear about just how much he loved them!

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Adversity #HAWMC

Day 21 – Adversity

“The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all.” – Mulan True or false? When do you bloom best? Today’s post was recommended by Christina of www.stickwithitsugar.com

True!  Its amazing how far I've come in a life that I thought was going to be to hard to live.  Around every corner of my life has been some sort of conflict.  And after each one I have only come out stronger.

I made it though a childhood that was hell fueled by alcohol and abuse.  I am 13 years into a relationship that I wasn't even sure I deserved.  After years of infertility and loss, I am the mother of two beautiful boys.  And now I am living with a liver disease that very well could take my life. But I have 100% faith in my fight.  I know this too will be another mark on my path.  Because of it, I will only be stronger.

Through all the hardships I have come though, I know I am only stronger because of them.  If I had come from a privileged childhood, I don't think I would be able to handle the struggles I faced when I left home.  My two miscarriages were heartbreaking but have taught me to cherish my babies here with me today.  My  marriage has taught me to fight for what I believe in and that with love, all things are possible. Hows that for blooming!

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Missing You

They said it was going to get easier.  That missing you was going to hurt less with time.  They lied. Or maybe it just hasn't been long enough.  Although it feels like years since I last heard your voice.  The last time I told you that I loved you and you said you would see me soon.

Not a day goes by that I don't have the urge to pick up the phone and share something with you. You were always so amused by the things I told you.  Only you seemed to understand my excitement over Alexander saying something clearly or Anthony asking me the plainest of questions.  Only you would talk to me for an hour about so many things.  The weather.  Dinner. Even when you were sick, when you laughed I could picture how your eyes scrunched up and you pulled at your beard.  Your laugh made me laugh.  And now its gone.  

That girl that yelled and fought with you all those years ago was just a little girl who wanted her fathers attention.  I wanted you to see me.  To know me.  I wanted you to be proud.  I wanted you hug me tightly and tell me everything was going to be OK   It wasn't until I left home that it happened but they did. That is all I ever wanted.    

When I told you David and I were going to get married you told me that you were so proud and happy for me.  You said I would always be your little girl, no matter what.  You wished me love and life.  When I called to tell you that I was pregnant again you were so happy.  I'm sure you were disappointed that we didn't name him Bruce, but every time you held Anthony, he was calm.  Alexander, the same thing. I wish I knew how you did it. Wish you were here to do it still.

You were the first person I called when I was diagnosed.  The room was spinning and I was on the verge of tears.  In your calm but grisly voice you said "OK, well now we know what we are dealing with"  You researched and tried to find more information for me.  You helped me with my diet and always encouraged me to take better care of myself.  And when we found out that it was genetic, and that I had inherited it from you I know it crushed you.  And I know you also found peace in knowing that I am yours.  You are mine.  I am glad that that was settled.  

Anthony and Grandpa 2005

Just the other night, Anthony asked me for another hug before bedtime.  And as I held him tight in my arms, he whispered "I miss Grandpa Jim too"  He said you were a good memory to him.  I didn't want to let go.  I wanted to hug his so tight that he might feel as if you were there hugging him too.  I miss your hugs.  Even if your beard would tickle my cheek.  I miss the certainty of your voice when you said we would figure it all out.  I would give anything just to hear you say that again.  You always knew what to say.  

Tonight I'm sitting here.  The boys are asleep and David is once again working a long shift. I'm lonely.  Sad.  I know that there are going to be some changes soon in life and I'm not sure if I'm even ready for them.  I'm just a girl, who wants nothing more than to hear her Dad tell her that its going to be OK   That its going to be for the better.  That I'm making the right choices. There was so many things left for us to do.  So many things you wanted to do, so many places you still wanted us to see.  I listened.  I remember.  And I promise that I won't let them go undone.  

I miss you more than anything.  I'm afraid to go to sleep because I often see you in my dreams. In one you were just watching us play from afar but I saw you thought the crowded park.  I know you could hear the boys laughing.  You waved and then you were gone.  I'm afraid to wake up because I know I you are not here anymore.  Its like having to say goodbye to you all over again.  

Everyone says its going to get easier.  They lied.

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Hope for 2013

Did all that you wished would come true last year really come true?  Did you keep the resolutions you made and accomplish the goals you set out for the year?  Looking back at my Hope for 2012 Id like to think that a lot of my hopes happened.  Most of my hopes were for my family.  And while many of my hopes for my brothers and sisters came true, this was a hard year for us.  One of my hopes was that we would all get together.  In July, we all came together to say goodbye to our Father.  His one wish was always for us to be under the same roof at one time.  Just like the old days.  I wish he could have been there to see us all.

Last year I wrote:

"I am hoping for good health for me.  If this is not the year I get my liver, God please let Anna have hers.  Give her the chance to enjoy the rest of her teen years.  She is only a child.  If I could, I would let every child go before me.  But in my heart, even if its selfish, I pray for my call too.  How could I not with 2 little boys of my own.  If anyone gets their gift in the new year, I hope it is Anna!  You can read more about Anna's story HERE!"

Guess what!  ANNA GOT HER LIVER!!!  God is great!

My health was great this year.  No major trips to the hospital, no surprises.  My appointments have spread out.  Ive been able to accept my limitations and still do things I wanted to do.  I was able to step back from a few things and step up for others, without feeling guilty. 

There are a few things I need to work on this year.  And I am beyond excited to dive in.  Here are some things I hope to do this year.

Spend more time outside with the boys.  All this cold has me itching for some sunshine.

Go on more walks.  Preferably by myself or with the dogs.

Explore more parks.  The boys insist we find swings...

More family adventures.  Camping, fishing, hiking.  I want to do it all

Date nights.  Adults only.  No Exceptions!

Mom Dates.  No Dads.  No Brothers.  No Exceptions!  Unless Dad is driving us :)

Write more.  Even if its about day to day stuff.   I am not confined to one subject.

Pick up my camera again.  I miss the feel of it in my hands.  I love my phone, but...

What are some things you hope to do this year?  Big or small I think setting goals is such a fun thing to do.  When you can cross something off the list at the end of the year it feels so great.  And when you look at the things you can't cross of remember...

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Recap NHBPM

Another month has come and gone.  And yet again, I didn't finish the whole challenge.  I won't lie, half way though when I was sick, I told myself to stop doing all these challenges if I wasn't going to finish them.  Yes I missed more days than I wanted to, including my two free passes.  But the other part of me wants to try again.  And that's what this whole blog is about right?  Life knocks me down on what seems like a monthly basis.  But I'm still here, trying again and again.  So I will do the next challenge and I will do better.  

This month was a lot of fun.  And challenging.  I enjoyed sharing my story.  Some post were simple and sweet like If I could go anywhere and My 3 things.  I shared a few of my Favorite Blogs and Twitter Friends.  The prompt that opened my eyes the most was Choosing life or death.  This year has been so full of hurt and pain and it was nice to write it all out.  That's what I love about writing sometimes you don't really understand your feelings until you put them out there.   I choose life and I know that, but writing it out reminded me again of why.

I really wish I had finished the whole challenge, but I didn't and I can't take it back, so I just have to accept it and try harder next time.  Half way though the month, I honestly wanted to quit.  I was sick and miserable. I missed a few days here and was behind on my photo challenge.  But then I remembered the quote.  Its how this blog was named and its what has gotten me though some really low times.  And so I keep on trying.  And I don't plan on giving up.  Here is to another month and a strong finish to the year.  

When life says give up, Hope whispers try one more time.  

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Clouded

Day 26: Make a chart / meme / poster and write about it

After my father passed, we were going though his old papers and I found this.  When I saw the prompt this is the first thing that came to mind.  So while I didn't make it myself, these are some of the things that Dad and I talked about quite often.   

When you are told you have a potentially fatal illness, the emotions that cloud your head can be so confusing.  And for him, writing this out helped him pinpoint his emotions.  Which was a big thing, because he was a man of little emotion.  

If you ever asked him how he was feeling, his first answer was always "Oh I'm good"  Or "A little tired, but I'm OK"  But as our talks went on he would let his guard down.  A lot of the time I would have to share first.    He was always so optimistic for me.  When I would tell him I was hurting he would say the pain was a reminder that I was still alive.  He would tell me that it was OK to be angry and afraid.  We talked about denial and once he admitted to me that he was living in denial and he apologized for it.  

I think about his last couple of months and I think that I saw everyone of these feelings in him.  It breaks my heart that he ever felt them.  He dealt with his cancer mostly alone because he didn't want to let anyone in.  Even when he was surrounded by so much love sometimes he felt so alone.  

I'm not quite sure why this drawing came to me when the prompt came up.  Or if it really fits, but its what I was thinking about today.  Coffee stains and folds.  He wrote this out when he was in Hawaii getting his first treatments.  Its a glimpse into his head.  For some reason I am so attached to it.  They say that it gets easier  but every day I miss him more.  

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Results may vary...

Monday was my follow up with the Liver Clini.  And was a pretty easy one, even though I was a nervous wreck.  I think having to go alone was what was the hard part.  But I made it though with almost all good news too.  My liver is working well and getting things done.  All my lab work came back with good results.  My bilirubin and creatinine were only slightly elevated.  And there was no fluid in my abdomen.  YAY!  The Dr left to schedule my appointments then came in with the bad news.  

I love the way he casually says "Oh, I forgot one thing to tell you"  Um...I would have rather had the bad first, but ok.  So.  There is a polyp on my gall bladder that is new.  It is 6mm.  He said that if it grows larger than 1cm, they will have to remove the gallbladder because there is a greater change that of it becoming cancer.  However, I don't have to have another scan for a year.  And I he also said unless I had any problems, I can stick to 6 month appointments for now.  I think each doctor has their own preference on this.  My originally doctor said that I should be kept on 3 months visits.  Its a good thing I know my body pretty well and I think that if something were up, I would notice it.  Off goes the safety blanket of regular appointments.  

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE not having to go back so often.  And my checkbook may love it more.  But I get such a sense of security knowing it wont be long before I go back.  Things change so fast and Im always worried that if I don't go back so often, something will be missed.  And after being so closely watched over the last 4 years, to be given just a little bit of wiggle room is scary yet refreshing.  

And I got homework.  20 mins of walking 3-4 times a week.  And he wants me to build up to 60 mins a day.  I told him that I try, but one day of pushing myself usually leads to two days of pure exhaustion.  He promised if I just push though the first two weeks it will get easier.  My weight has been a problem for a while and I have stayed as active as I could.  Good days and bad.  But this is the first time a Dr has mentioned it.  Crazy right?  So now there is no avoiding it. Doctors orders are the law around here.  

Tuesday I had a dental appointment and was nervous about the oral cancer screening.  My father just passed away in July.  His cancer started in his tongue and jaw.  So its pretty obvious why I was nervous.  But I got the all clear.  Nothing!  Praise the Lord! 

Next up is the hematologist who I have no wiggle room on.  Labs every month.  Visits every 3 months.  Somethings never change and that is ok by my.  And sometimes they have to.  That is ok too.  heres to a new chapter in this crazy book I call life!

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Tears, Tissues and Taylor Swift...

You know that feeling you get when you are trying so hard not to cry and you get that lump in your throat?  You can't swallow.  You can't breath.  You just sit there.  Im willing to bet that if you watched Stand up to Cancer, the second that Taylor Swift starting singing, you know exactly what I am talking about.  If you like her or not, her song Ronan, is amazing.  

This year Cancer took my dad away from me.  Away from my brothers and sisters, my nieces and nephews.   Away from his sisters, who just a month earlier, buried their other brother.  It didn't care that we still had so much unfinished things to talk about.  It didn't give him time to fully understand that he was forgiven.  Or time for some of us to apologize to him.  It didn't care that in taking him, our lives would forever change and we would be full of pain.  My dad had lived his life. He made it home from his first fight just in time to see his youngest daughter and his first grandson graduate high school together.  He managed to raise us kids, mostly on his own.  He could braid hair like you would not believe.  And the kitchen was where he was the best.  There was always something to eat at out house.  Something unique and delicious.  He got to hold his grand kids when they were little. Except for his newest granddaughter, who was born premature a month after he passed.  I do believe he kept her safe though.  He got to see some of his kids become parents and he was so proud of us.  He truly loved being a grandfather. 

They say parents should never have to bury their children.  And its true.  Losing my father was hard, but knowing there was so much he had experienced and loved, made it just a little easier.  That night after the show, when everyone was sleeping, I sat on my boys bed and cried.  Not because I missed my dad but because the thought of ever losing one of them, or hell, even one getting sick, just about kills me.  And even though they were sleeping and probably didn't hear me, I apologized for everything I have done wrong in raising them.  And for everything I will do wrong.  I'm not perfect.  I prayed to God and promised him that I would fight for my life if he would just help me keep them safe. 

The hard part is that one day they will feel the pain that I feel today.  They will cry the tears that I am crying now.  One day they will say goodbye to me.  The hard truth is that there is a possibility that it will be sooner than later.  There is no telling how sick I will get before my transplant and no promise that I will live happily ever after.  All I have is today.  All I have is right now.  With my two little boys, my husband and the rest of my family.  

My heart breaks for the mothers who have to watch their children fight this battle.  And to those who had to say goodbye to their babies to soon.  Losing a child is the greatest loss there is.  My heart goes out to you all.  In case you missed the show, here is the song.  But grab a box of tissue, you will need it!  Then make sure your loved ones know just how much they mean to you. 

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