June 16, 2013

If I could wish you Happy Fathers Day...

I wasn't until after I left home that I was able to really see just how full of love my Dad was.  Seeing him hold my sons for the first times.  Listening to him tell them about how he used to hold me the very same way.  Watching them climb up into his lap and lay there with him just as I remember doing as a little girl.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss him.  We used to talk for hours about cooking and the boys.  "Because they are boys" was always his answer for all my parenting whys!  Now when that stuffed Luigi ends up in the toilet for the second time, I close my eyes and ask "WHY"!!  And I remember his voice telling me why.  Just like that I can smile about it.

Its our first Fathers Day with out him.  Our conversation last year was very different from our usual.  He apologized for the past.  He was sick and sober and the guilt had washed over him. All the things that had happened in the past, were just that to me. The past.  I hope I was able to help him realize that I had forgiven him for any wrongs years before.  I hope he felt it in my voice when I told him that I loved him and that I would always love him regardless of what had happened before.  I told  him that I understood now why things were the way they were and why he was the way he was.  There were no hard feelings.  I remember just telling him that he need to keep on fighting because there was still so much we needed to do.  But after a little over a month, he was just to tired to keep on going.

Now almost a year later, and I can still hear his voice.  I still wake up in the middle of the night hearing him cough or arguing with the TV.  Sometimes when David hugs me I swear my Dad steps in because the hug gets just a little bit tighter.  The little things that pop into my head while I am cooking.  I love when I am watching the boys play and I am overwhelmed with my love for them.  And I think, Dad loved me just like this.  Its an every day reminder to love them deeper and let them know it.

Happy Fathers Day to a man who loved his kids more than we will every fully understand.  To a Father that worked very hard to provide for us even when we didn't appreciate it.  To a Father who loved being a Grandpa and made it known to the whole world just how proud he was of all of us.  I wish you were given the respect you deserved.  I took you for granted and now I would give anything to have you back.  Just to tell you one more time that I love you, unconditionally and that I always will.  I miss our summer adventures.  Our middle of the night conversations and the random recipe emails you used to send.  I miss the HEB cards you would send the boys.  I miss the messages on the answering machine and the way you signed your name at the end of your letters.  I miss your support and words that fixed everything.  I miss you Dad, every day!  Happy Fathers Day!

Dad and I were always the ones behind the camera, I only have a few pictures of me and him from the last few years and that is one of my greatest regrets.  The memories are there though.  I am glad to have many of him with my boys though.  They will need them to look back on when they remember and hear about just how much he loved them!



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