February 20, 2013

Missing You

They said it was going to get easier.  That missing you was going to hurt less with time.  They lied. Or maybe it just hasn't been long enough.  Although it feels like years since I last heard your voice.  The last time I told you that I loved you and you said you would see me soon.

Not a day goes by that I don't have the urge to pick up the phone and share something with you. You were always so amused by the things I told you.  Only you seemed to understand my excitement over Alexander saying something clearly or Anthony asking me the plainest of questions.  Only you would talk to me for an hour about so many things.  The weather.  Dinner. Even when you were sick, when you laughed I could picture how your eyes scrunched up and you pulled at your beard.  Your laugh made me laugh.  And now its gone.  

That girl that yelled and fought with you all those years ago was just a little girl who wanted her fathers attention.  I wanted you to see me.  To know me.  I wanted you to be proud.  I wanted you hug me tightly and tell me everything was going to be OK   It wasn't until I left home that it happened but they did. That is all I ever wanted.    

When I told you David and I were going to get married you told me that you were so proud and happy for me.  You said I would always be your little girl, no matter what.  You wished me love and life.  When I called to tell you that I was pregnant again you were so happy.  I'm sure you were disappointed that we didn't name him Bruce, but every time you held Anthony, he was calm.  Alexander, the same thing. I wish I knew how you did it. Wish you were here to do it still.

You were the first person I called when I was diagnosed.  The room was spinning and I was on the verge of tears.  In your calm but grisly voice you said "OK, well now we know what we are dealing with"  You researched and tried to find more information for me.  You helped me with my diet and always encouraged me to take better care of myself.  And when we found out that it was genetic, and that I had inherited it from you I know it crushed you.  And I know you also found peace in knowing that I am yours.  You are mine.  I am glad that that was settled.  

Anthony and Grandpa 2005
Just the other night, Anthony asked me for another hug before bedtime.  And as I held him tight in my arms, he whispered "I miss Grandpa Jim too"  He said you were a good memory to him.  I didn't want to let go.  I wanted to hug his so tight that he might feel as if you were there hugging him too.  I miss your hugs.  Even if your beard would tickle my cheek.  I miss the certainty of your voice when you said we would figure it all out.  I would give anything just to hear you say that again.  You always knew what to say.  

Tonight I'm sitting here.  The boys are asleep and David is once again working a long shift. I'm lonely.  Sad.  I know that there are going to be some changes soon in life and I'm not sure if I'm even ready for them.  I'm just a girl, who wants nothing more than to hear her Dad tell her that its going to be OK   That its going to be for the better.  That I'm making the right choices. There was so many things left for us to do.  So many things you wanted to do, so many places you still wanted us to see.  I listened.  I remember.  And I promise that I won't let them go undone.  

I miss you more than anything.  I'm afraid to go to sleep because I often see you in my dreams. In one you were just watching us play from afar but I saw you thought the crowded park.  I know you could hear the boys laughing.  You waved and then you were gone.  I'm afraid to wake up because I know I you are not here anymore.  Its like having to say goodbye to you all over again.  

Everyone says its going to get easier.  They lied.

1 comment :

  1. It is so hard when you loose a parent. My Mom died unexpectedly a year and 2 months ago, right before Christmas of 2011. I still feel so much pain. Like you, people said it would get better - but it hasn't. Not yet.

    HUGS to you Mama!