September 19, 2012

Tears, Tissues and Taylor Swift...

You know that feeling you get when you are trying so hard not to cry and you get that lump in your throat?  You can't swallow.  You can't breath.  You just sit there.  Im willing to bet that if you watched Stand up to Cancer, the second that Taylor Swift starting singing, you know exactly what I am talking about.  If you like her or not, her song Ronan, is amazing.  

This year Cancer took my dad away from me.  Away from my brothers and sisters, my nieces and nephews.   Away from his sisters, who just a month earlier, buried their other brother.  It didn't care that we still had so much unfinished things to talk about.  It didn't give him time to fully understand that he was forgiven.  Or time for some of us to apologize to him.  It didn't care that in taking him, our lives would forever change and we would be full of pain.  My dad had lived his life. He made it home from his first fight just in time to see his youngest daughter and his first grandson graduate high school together.  He managed to raise us kids, mostly on his own.  He could braid hair like you would not believe.  And the kitchen was where he was the best.  There was always something to eat at out house.  Something unique and delicious.  He got to hold his grand kids when they were little. Except for his newest granddaughter, who was born premature a month after he passed.  I do believe he kept her safe though.  He got to see some of his kids become parents and he was so proud of us.  He truly loved being a grandfather. 

They say parents should never have to bury their children.  And its true.  Losing my father was hard, but knowing there was so much he had experienced and loved, made it just a little easier.  That night after the show, when everyone was sleeping, I sat on my boys bed and cried.  Not because I missed my dad but because the thought of ever losing one of them, or hell, even one getting sick, just about kills me.  And even though they were sleeping and probably didn't hear me, I apologized for everything I have done wrong in raising them.  And for everything I will do wrong.  I'm not perfect.  I prayed to God and promised him that I would fight for my life if he would just help me keep them safe. 

The hard part is that one day they will feel the pain that I feel today.  They will cry the tears that I am crying now.  One day they will say goodbye to me.  The hard truth is that there is a possibility that it will be sooner than later.  There is no telling how sick I will get before my transplant and no promise that I will live happily ever after.  All I have is today.  All I have is right now.  With my two little boys, my husband and the rest of my family.  

My heart breaks for the mothers who have to watch their children fight this battle.  And to those who had to say goodbye to their babies to soon.  Losing a child is the greatest loss there is.  My heart goes out to you all.  In case you missed the show, here is the song.  But grab a box of tissue, you will need it!  Then make sure your loved ones know just how much they mean to you. 

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