6 sentences

Todays promt:  In this day of micro-blogging – brevity is a skill worth honing. Can you tell a story and make it short and sweet? What can you say in six sentences?

For years the thought of adding to the family has been something we have discussed.  We knew we wanted to adopt a young boy or girl who needed love.  I cant have anymore human babies, so we started our search for another fur baby.  We found the San Antonio Great Dane Rescue by accident at Petsmart and we were instantly in love.  Yesterday, after over a year of careful consideration, I put in an application for adoption and now we are just waiting.  She will be my comfort, the boys protector and daddy best friend.

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Another First

Todays Prompt: The first time I... Write a post about the first time you did something.  What is it?  What was it like? What did you learn from it?

I don't know why this came to mind, but my first Lovenox injection was horrible.  Because I was pregnant and Coumadin(blood thinners) are not fetus friendly I was put on twice daily {self} injections.  Coming from a girl who would pass out on the TB prick test, I wasn't sure I could do it.

I had all my supplies set out.  Alcohol wipes, cotton ball, ice and my lovenox.  I was sitting on the bath tub alone and locked in the bathroom.  I was a little hurt that no one offered to help, but whatever.  I had watched a handful of videos of "how to do a sub q injection" and I had practiced in to fake skin at the hospital.  I got this.

I wiped the area with alcohol and watched it dry up.  I took the syringe out of the packaging and stared at my leg.  Pinching here and there looking for the best place to start.  But after touching and touching my leg, I went back over it with another wipe and let it dry again.  I adjusted the needle to a 45 degree angle and just barely touched the pinch of skin.  I about passed out.  Almost cried.  But this was going to save my life and keep the baby OK.  Suck it up Kim.  Here goes nothing, and I plunged the needle into my leg.   OUCH!  The needle just about bounced off my skin!  What the heck.  While I though I was putting enough pressure behind it, I guess I wasn't.  Now I had to try again.  It was like trying to pierce a truck tire with nail by hand.  My skin indented with the pressure of the needle.  Then with a POP, it was in.  Barely.  It took another few minuets of me sitting there with a needle half in my leg before I could push it in all the way.  And that wasn't even the worst part!

I put my finger on the plunger and pushed with steady pressure.  My leg was instantly on fire.  I stopped, breathed.  Maybe I cried a little. Maybe.  But I was already there so there was no going back.  The medicine burned so bad teeth hurt.  My back started to hurt from being in an awkward position. My butt hurt from sitting on the end of the tub and I was pumping what felt like flesh eating poison into my leg.  Once I had injected it all I slowly pulled the needle out of my leg and pushed the plunger harder so that the safety guard would pop down.  I held the cotton ball on the site even though there was no bleeding.  When I looked at my leg, the bruise had already started setting in.  Not because of the needle, but because I was squeezing so hard.

The next few injection went just about the same.  By the time I was done, I had injected myself in a Red Lobster bathroom.  In a parking lot.  In the hospital.  I recently had to start them again for a week before I had my wisdom teeth pulled. And there was only a few seconds of hesitation and then it was easy.  Like riding a bike.  OK not really.

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Challenges and Victories

Todays Prompt:  5 Challenges. 5 Small Victories. Make a list of the 5 most difficult parts 

of your health focus. Make another top 5 list for the little, good things (small victories) that 

keep you going.

The hardest parts 

1. Just waiting as my body slowly gets sicker and having no other choice.
2. Knowing that someone will die in order for me to live
3. Bills, Bills and more Bills
4. Looking perfectly healthy yet being so sick
5. Not being in control of my H.E.

Small Victories

1. Less frequent Dr visits
2. My INR hasn't changed drastically
3. No varices
4. I have more family living near me
5. Fundraising with Help Hope Live

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Trapped inside myself

Today has been one of those days that starts out pretty well.  Probably because I slept till noon.  With the exception of the 2 hours spend getting Anthony up and to school.  But the rest of the day has been pretty crappy.  No pun intended.  When I started taking my Lactulose for Hepatic Encephalopathy, my Dr. said he recommended 3 times a day but that if I felt I just needed it once, that would be OK too.  And it was OK.  Until now.

I wish I could put into words how horrible it is to be to trapped inside my body.  I know what I want to say, but nothing comes out.  Or I have to run through a list of words before my mouth finds the right one.  Trying to have a conversation with someone and having to constantly correct yourself.  I've began to just say nothing at all.  And the pain with someone jokes about it, its soul shattering.  I didn't ask for this.

My memory has been horrible.  I don't know what day it is with out looking at my phone.  I have to read and triple re read things.  I lose everything and then have anxiety attacks when I remember that I had something but I lost it.  I swear everything I touch I have managed to mess up.  Its turning me against myself.  I know it will pass, but getting though it gets harder and harder.  I've always been so hurt when someone would doubt me.  And now here I am doubting myself.

You know when you have had one to many drinks and you have to pee.  You tell yourself to stand up, put one foot in front of the other and walk to the bathroom.  The whole time you are telling yourself, just keep walking, your almost there, watch out for that table.  Then when you are sitting there peeing, you close your eyes and the sounds blur and the room starts spinning.  You wash your face, but it all feels like a dream.  That is how my whole afternoon was like.  I let it get the best of me today.  Raising my voice to the boys.  They are bouncing off the wall.  And driving each other nuts. But I was trying to make dinner.  Cutting an onion and trying not to overheat the pan.  I kept thinking I was doing something wrong so every other second I had to glance at the recipe.  Because God forbid I be able to remember anything for longer than a minuet.

Frustrated just doesn't cut it.  I'm exhausted from trying to stay ahead of myself all the time.  I'm angry that this is happening to me an that I have no control over it.  I hate that I'm having more foggy headed days than clear.  And it sucks that there is no change in my disease that will move me closer to the transplant that will fix it all.  I'm tired of be only just a little sick and waiting for my world to be ripped out from beneath me.

This is my life.  Good days and bad.  I know tomorrow might be better.  Or not.  But as long as I get a tomorrow that's what really matters right.  What a bummer of a post. Anthony just looked over my shoulder and said "Wow, that's a lot of writing, no wonder you are tired.  Sorry you have so much to write!"  I told him not to be sorry because writing it all out helps.  For a split second I considered deleting, but I will post.  Who knows maybe someone can relate?!  Maybe.

An hour later, I'm hitting publish...

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Day 26: Taglines

Todays Prompt: Health tagline. Give yourself, your blog, your condition, or some aspect of your health a tagline. Make sure it’s catchy!

Its day 26 already?  How did that happen?  The challenge for today is one of the few that I have been dreading.  I'm have lost my creative mojo and have been stewing over this one.  I'm lost.  I went and read though a few of other blogs and they are all witty and funny and perfect.  And all I can think of is 

De-Liver me from Evil.

Maybe it was all the praying at the funeral.  Or maybe its the fact that at the funeral when they started Our Father, I stumbled in my prayers.  Its been to long since my last time to church. Its been on my mind a lot lately.

My brain is foggy today.  Looks like Lactulose once a day just isn't cutting it anymore.  Writing has become a struggle as I cant sit and focus for long anymore.  Even everyday little tasks and making dinner are a blur.  So if I get on here and am making no sense, now you know why!  

I hope everyone is having a great week.  Tomorrow is Battle of the Flowers so school is out.  The boys are going to Grandmas for the day!  And I am going to get sometime to get things straight.  In my home and in my head!  Much love to you all!

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Just a Memory

Todays Prompt:  Third person post. Write about a memory you have but describe it  using the third person. Use as many sensory images (sights, sounds, textures, etc) as you can. Don’t use “I” or “me” unless you include dialogue.

She smiled as he played at the end of the bed.  He raced the little cars up from one end of the foot board to the other.  The top of his head and his tiny hand the only thing visible from where she was laying.  Even though she couldn't see them, she could picture his lips, pressed together attempting to sound like a car, mostly just blowing raspberries.  The baby started to cry next to her.  They both knew what he wanted.  He latched on and was off in to dreamland before his brother even noticed he was awake again.  

The little boy climbed up on the bed and laid next to his little brother.  Glancing first at his baby brother and then to his mother.  He had the look on his face.  His eyes were shining with curiosity and excitement.  "Can he play yet" he asked.  "No baby, he is still to little to play with you" Mom replied softly.  "Can you play yet"?  "No baby, I cant play just yet".  Sadness swept over his face as his eyes began to fill with tears.  His lips began to pout.  

At the tender age of 4 he didn't understand why no one could play with him.  He knew that his mom said no, but why.  He grabbed the cars of the bed and went back to driving them on the foot board.  His mom watched him out of the corner of her eye.  The guilt that was brewing up inside her heart was beginning to be to much and tears rolled down her cheek.  She closed her eyes real tight and reminded herself of a promise she made.  Not to let them to see her crying.  She realized the room had grown quiet and she no longer hear the squeak of the cars being pushed along the wood.  She was afraid to open her eyes.  The room was bright and when she was finally able to focus, she saw his staring back at her.  He too had tears running down his cheeks. To late!  He ran to her and begged "Please don't die.  I love you Momma".  

She held out her hand and helped him climb back up on the bed.  He laid his head down on the pillow next to her and continued to sob.  As did she.  " Baby, I promise you this right now, I am going to be OK.  You are going to be OK.  Mommy is going to get better, you will see.  But first I will have to get sicker and I am going to need you to be strong for me.  OK?"  She wiped away his tears as he nodded back to her.  He closed his eyes and fell asleep.  She kissed the baby and then she kissed him.  His cheek still streaked from the tears.  

After a few deep breaths and a few more tears she looked at the two little boys sleeping next to her.  This is what she had always dreamed of.  She had come this far and there was no turning back.  She knew now more that ever that there would be no giving up.  She was sick.  The doctors were telling her that her only chance to live out a full life would be to have a complete liver transplant.  She smiled and wiped away the tears that were collecting on her chin.  Through all the pain and sadness she still had hope.  She would always have HOPE!

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My Mascot

Todays Prompt: Health Mascot. Give yourself, your condition, or your health focus a mascot. Is it a real person? Fictional? Mythical being? Describe them. Bonus points if you provide a visual!

When I first saw this prompt, I though, Butterfly.  Then as the day got closer I worried that it might be a little to common.  Everyone loves butterlies they are everywhere.  So I though long and hard and couldn't think of any other mascot.  Then I saw this guy and knew I had to just go with it!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/kevinclick/4935305034/

This has got to be the ugliest caterpillar I have ever seen.  Yup that is a caterpillar.  Looks more like a slug or an alien, I know.  If liver disease was an animal this would be it.  It is an ugly disease.  It is scary.  Somedays I feel like this guy.  And all I want to do is hide.  But the way I see it, after my liver transplant, I'll shed this ugly disease and I will be given a new lease on life.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/21950260@N05/6267177684/

 This is a Giant Swallowtail.  And a perfect example of how something so great can come out of something... not so great (Feel bad for calling him ugly).  This helps me keep my eye on the little glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel!  I cant wait to feel like myself again.  I wont have have feel ashamed and I wont have to explain why I look and feel the way I do.  I wont be sick and dying.  I will be alive and thriving.  I will be beautiful!

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Funeral, Fentanyl and Fun

A funeral, fentanyl and a little fun in the sun.  Yup, that about sums up last week.  The first few days of the week were spent with family.  Davids grandmother passed away.  We had to drive back up on Thursday so that I could have another endoscopy done on Friday.  And Saturday we unwound with a day at the beach.  I think it worked for most of us.  Except David who had to do all the driving.  Sorry Babe!  Sunday was spend grocery shopping and watching movies.  

When I started this challenge I fully intended to follow though and not miss a day.  But if anyone could understand life getting in the way it would be this community.  We all know that our illnesses and health problems can sometimes take over.  Life happens.  But we all find the strength to get back up and continue on with it.  I thought about going back and writing/finishing all the post for last week.  Y'all understand if I just jump back in and continue here right?  Please say yes.  So far this morning, I've managed to run out of my meds, wash and dry a load of the boys laundry with a mysterious stash of Starburst in one of their pants, and to top it all off, the little one peed in my bed.  So, please don't shoot me if I don't follow though.  Or do.

And today is a free day, so ha!  I will be spending the rest of my day, trying to get back on track after such a long week.  My body for one is not happy with me.  Way to much take out and way to little sleep and exercise.    The boys have been hopped up on a little to much sugar and so its going to be fun getting them back on a normal routine.  And Alex is actually throwing a tantrum as I type because he wants to go back to the beach.  Oh the joys!  I love my life.  As frustrating and complicated as it is, its mine and I love it! 

** Pictures to come **

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Pinboard

Day 16:  Pinboard. Create a pinterest board for your health focus. Pin 3 things. What did you pin? 

Share the images in a post and explain why you chose them.

All the cool kids are on Pinterest!  And they are all pretty much hooked. I'm a cool kid!  I started a board a while back.  {Hope Whispers}.  Three of my favorite pins in there are...

This photo is my own.  Take at our first Donate Life walk.  He was so proud of his ribbon. Even the littlest something can make the biggest impact.  He sure knew how to put on a show.   And his sweet chubby cheeks were the perfect canvas for the green ribbon!

 

                                                                            source: kmunozphoto.blogspot.com via Kim on Pinterest

This quote is what started this whole blog.  {Hope Whispers}  When I first read it, it gave me hope.  And I think its a great quote to hold onto for those of us living with chronic illnesses or caring for someone who is suffering too.  So many times we get to a point where we feel like we have no more fight left in us.  We just want to give up.  But there is something deep inside us, that little voice that tells us to keep going.  To try one more time.  That is HOPE!

                                                                   Source: blissfuljoyfulwonderful.blogspot.com via Kim on Pinterest


This ad  is one of the best I have seen for organ donation.  Just knowing that someone will have to die in order for me to live is a thought that crosses my mind all the time.  I can only imagine how thankful and blessed I will be. I will have a piece of them living in me.  Giving me more time with my family.  But how can I ever say thank you enough.  Yes I will write a letter to my donor family.  And yes I would love to meet them and hear more about the person who gave me that gift.  But this is someone I will never get to thank in person.  No hugs. And I love hugs!

                                                                       Source: adsoftheworld.com via Kim on Pinterest

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I've got style!?

Day 15:  What’s your writing style? Do words just flow from your mind to your fingertips? Do you like handwriting first? Do you plan your posts? Title first or last? Where do you write best?

Me, style?  Interesting.  Most people that know me will say that they can almost hear me talking when they read my writing.  I write what comes to mind and how it sounds in my head.  I do try to keep in family friendly, so there are a few things missing, but I try my best to get the emotion across.  Some posts are planned.  I'm writing this one a few days early, on Friday.  That way when I can enjoy the time with my family and not get frustrated trying to catch up on Monday.

I almost always give a title last.  Some of the posts for this challenge have just been the one given.  But when I write normally, I like to wait and see what comes to mind when I am done with the whole post.  Never anything super witty, but I feel like if I title it before, it restricts my writing.  If you haven't noticed yet, I tend to be really random.  Picking up in the middle of stories.  Or going back to a different memory.  Its not all the toxins in my brain.  I'm a little off like that in real life to.  Don't judge!

I write where ever it comes to me.  I have written some of my most popular posts sitting in my closet in the dark.  You don't want to know...  I write in the car, at school, in the morning and the middle of the night.  Just when ever and where ever.  There have been a few times, I have woken up in the middle of a dream and though, that's crazy, I better write it out.  That's me for you!

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Dream Day

Day 14: Describe your ideal day. How would you spend your time? Who would you spend it with? Have you had this day? If not – how could you make it happen?

Life really isn't as bad as it seems some times.  When I think about my "perfect" day, it isn't far off from my usual day.  In my dream day, there would be no fatigue or medications that make me sick.  So instead of spending the first 4 hours of my day in the bathroom, I could enjoy breakfast with the boys.  I love making breakfast, but hardly ever get a chance to eat it.  Good and bad thing I guess.  


Without the fatigue holding me down , I could actually get out and play with the boys.  And not have to sit down right after 5 minuets.  I think one of the reasons I sit out is because I always feel like I am letting them down when I have to stop.  But I want so very badly, to run and ride and scream for joy with them.  Imagine a whole afternoon without having to fight the urge to just crash and sleep.  I miss the fun crafts Anthony and I used to do.  We used to go for walks and play cars all day long.  And these days, I hold myself up in my room to embarrassed to let them see me so tired.  Then there is the irritability factor and who wants to be a monster mom.  I hate her.  She still manages to get out and in a perfect day, she would be GONE!  Only smiles and calm voices.  That would be nice.  


I would love to be able to just go when ever I please.  I tend to get my energy in the middle of being sick.  And I know I cant go anywhere because I have to stay close to home.  Alexander gets mad at me after the first few times I get up and go to the bathroom.  By the third or fourth trip he is usually sighing like a teenager.  Clearly annoyed by the side effects too!  


I want to be able to cook dinner with out my ankles hurting and swelling.  And in my perfect day, David is home for dinner.  I have not seen a man work so hard, ever!  I would love a day where he comes home and isn't just as tired as I am.  I would love a little downtime with just him.  To unwind.  Catch up and reconnect.  I when days go by with nothing much more than a few texts during the day and a kiss goodbye.  In a perfect day, I would not be so alone. 


I love the weekends when I have enough energy to get out and have some fun.  Even if its just watching the boys play at the park.  Or walking around the store.  Seeing friends.  A day where I am not stuck here.  I feel like I am a prison of my illness.  Cant go out.  Cant eat this, cant drink that.  No driving, no being unsupervised for long periods.  


In the perfect day, I could just be me.  Living life to the fullest and enjoying every minuet of it.  No pain, worry or pills.  No breaks, just doing it all and not stopping until I decide to.  Freedom.  That sounds nice.

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10 things I couldn't live without

Day 13: Write a list of the 10 things you need (or love) most.

My Phone.  David might be right, I am glued to my phone.  Not all the time, but I really need to work on putting it down more.  Well I did when I was reading, but I'm all out of books now...


Hand Sanitizer.  I love Gold Bonds sanitizer lotion.  I may or may not be a little obsessive with the stuff.  My mother in law got me 3 big bottles of if.  One is on the bar, one on my nightstand and the other just begging to be used.  My hands get so dried up from the regular stuff so this works for me. At home anyways.


My Glasses.  They are hardly ever on my eyes, but always on my head.  I hated wearing glasses.  You would thing growing up on an island I would have learned to love them.  But it wasn't until a few years ago when I found the perfect pair.  Took me a week before I lost them. Ended up buying 2 more.  Lost them too!  I'm happy to say that I have managed to keep this pair I have now, for almost a whole year!


My Jogging Stroller.  David bought it for me before my first Donate Life walk.  He didn't want to since I already had 3 strollers.  So I promised to sell 2.  And I did.  They were worth it.  Alex loves his stroller.  And I love it too!  We haven't used it much, but I'm hoping that changes, now that the weather is warmer again.


My Library Card.  I had a card in Florida.  Don't laugh but the only thing I checked out ever was a Lamaze video.  Then  Janet Evanovich happened.  One of my high school teachers.  Ok is more like another mom of mine.  But she used to send me books to help keep me in bed while I was pregnant.  She send me the first 3 and I loved them.  And now I'm hooked.  I think I read books 4-18 in 3 months.  At least I met my read 10 books this year goal right?  And the boys love books too.  I cant wait to spend our summer days there!


My Donate life cups.  I love them.  I don't drink coffee often, but when I do I have to use them.  Its much nicer now that I have 2.  One for each Donate Life walk I have done.  Hopefully soon I will be adding another.  But I think I will send it out to one lucky friend or reader who registers as an organ donor :) 


My Slippers.  I think most people call them flip flops.  And I know some people think they are tacky.  But oh well.  I was practically raised in them.  Ok no, mostly I was barefoot.  But they are the next best thing.  I hate socks.  With the exception of the next thing.  


My compression stockings.  One thing I have noticed lately is an increase in my leg pain.  I have brought it up with my doctors.  I've had ultrasounds done on my legs to rule out clots.  But some nights my legs kill and the socks are the only thing that help.  Aside from massage, but can't find anyone to rub my legs all night.  I find that when I wear them when I run, it helps too.  Hopefully soon I can invest in some legit ones, the ones I have now were given to me when I had the tumor removed from my neck.  


My Tweezers.  Even in high school, I always had a pair on me.  And I still do.  Call me crazy but I pluck my eyebrows in the car.  Its the only time I stay still long enough to do it.  And don't worry, I usually do it when we are stopped!  



My medication.  I know its a given, but it had to be included.  And it really is the one thing I absolutely could not live with out! I have a little purse pill box.  And I have my weekly case at home with morning and night meds.  I have a fear of running out.  Probably because my life depends on it.  My blood thinners keep me from getting any more clots and the others are to help control my Hepatic Encephalopathy.  In other words, they keep my head on straight.  Or the best they can anyways.

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Mirror Mirror

Day 12: Start with the sentence “This morning I looked in the mirror...” just write, don’t stop, don’t edit. Post

Well this is about to get interesting!  Hopefully it all makes sense, because Im just going to write and hit send.  Thats the challenge so here goes.

This morning I looked in there mirror and had to lean in closer to get a better look.   No yellow eyes!  Yay!  I stood there staring though.  Everyone always says I look exactly the same as I did when I was little.  Everyone also says that I look just like the rest of the Schilling kids.  While both are meant well, people must be blind.

My eyes.  This morning they are a bit puffy.  I was crying in my sleep.  Doesnt happen very often, but I guess you hold it it for so long and eventually it has to come out.  People say eyes are the window to the soul.  If so than my soul is tired.  These eyes have seen so much more than they should have.  They have seen hurt and pain. Hate and love.  These eyes used to be empty.  But now they are alive.  They are a little sunken in thanks to medication that dehydrates the hell out of me.  But they still shine.  Makes me smile to think that there is life in them again.  No matter how horrible things used to be, I have learned to see the good in life.  Its nice.

I ran my fingers over my lips.  Dry and chapped.  Mole is still there.  Why to I always have to bite the skin off them?  Gross.  Whatever.  No matter how dry, they still have the power to kiss even the biggest owies away.  Every morning a kiss goodbye, before my little man walks away to school.  Or the goodbye kisses before David drives off to work.  That man has amazing lips.... Next!

I stepped back and took a look at myself.  Yes, I cringed at my huge arms.  But they are perfect for hugging.  Nothing is as it used to be.  And thats ok with me.  My girls are hanging a little lower, but they also provided my baby with milk.  No washboard abs, but a scarred and saggy reminder that I grew two babies in there.  That is freaking awesome!    So what if I dont look like I used to.  Im not who I used to be.  Everything has changed.  And thats ok with me. 

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Swim

Day 11: Theme song. Imagine your health focus or blog is getting its own theme song. What would the lyrics be? What type of music would it be played to?

A few years ago, I remember hearing this song and thinking it was perfect.  In so many ways, it fits me perfectly.  Of course being born and raised in the middle of the Pacific ocean, the word swim, is one I can relate to.  Swimming in that beautiful blue water was both doing what I loved and facing my fears. Comforting and frightening all in one.  And then there was a little blue fish that stole my line.  "just keep swimming."  I love Dory from Little Nemo.  It makes sense now, because I cant remember anything to save my life.  And I can speak whale.  Never mind...

So when I saw this prompt in the list I thought to myself, I know there is the perfect song out there.  And I know Ive heard it.  Spent all week trying to figure it out.  Then this morning, I found myself on youtube.  And tucked aways between a few spark people workout videos and some cooking video, I found this.

This song means so much more now that I have been in this game for a while.  I can feel the lyrics playing inside me.  When you are waiting on a transplant, your doing just that.  Waiting.  When the phone doesn't ring, when the doctors are telling you that you aren't sick enough or that its going to get a lot worse. When you get that call but after getting yourself prepared for one of the biggest days in your whole life, you are told that the organ wasn't the right one for you.  You want so badly to just be done with it.  You are tired of being at the bottom of the list.  Tired of being tired.  Tired of being sick, but not sick enough.  This is when I feel like I'm drowning.  Like there is no way I will be able to get though this journey.  And then I tell myself to  {swim}

One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.

-Bob Marley

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13 years ago

Day 10: Dear 16-year-old-me. Write a letter to yourself at age 16. What would you tell yourself? What would you make your younger self aware of?

Dear 16 year old me,

I wish there was a way to take away all the pain turmoil and confusion you are feeling right now.  Don't give up on the things in life you love the most.  I promise you one day you will look back and regret it.  Just stop.  Please.  Think about the choices you make before you make them.  I know its a crazy thought, but just try. There are such amazing things to come in life, you will see.  

What ever you do, choose your happiness over everything else.  There is a ball you want to kick.  Everyone is expecting you to quit.  Don't.  You love this sport.  Wake up!  The smile says your happy, but your heart wants something else.  Stop letting people hurt you.  Stop letting people think what they want about you.  And stop caring what they think.  All your life you have tried to keep everyone else from hurting that you have let it eat away at your own heart. Stop punishing yourself for everyone else mistakes.  This is not the life you chose, if you don't like it, change it.  You have come this far to let any of this bring you down.  

Stop pulling away from everything.  Cherish the time left with your real friends.  Enjoy just being a kid.  Spend more time at the beach.  I know you love it there.  Don't be so afraid of falling in or out of love. Try new things, good things!  You are young. Try to see things from his point of view.  Life has not been easy for him.  Forgive them now and save yourself some pain and sadness.  Be more patient with the little ones.  Its not their fault that you are raising them.  Its not your fault either.  Show them how to be kids instead of rushing them to grow up.  Teach them to be self sufficient instead of doing everything for them.  Make sure they understand that when you go away next year that you are not leaving them behind.  Acknowledge their fears and let them know that you will always be there for them no matter what. Family is family.

Just be present in life. You are so full of it.  You deserve to be happy too.  Go out there and live!

Love always, 

Your much happier future self!

** This was very hard for me.  I was in a bad place back then.  I had shut down and managed to forget most about that year and the one before.  That was the year I was voted "most likely to miss 1st period"  Underneath the photo it says:  Not pictured Kim Schilling.  I wasn't even in the class photo!  WTF Kim!!  I sucked as a 16 year old! I am so thankful and blessed to have come this far and still be somewhat normal!  Even with the craziness of liver disease and a pending transplant, life is amazing.  I'm glad I have learned to appreciate it!**

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Keep Calm

Day 9: Keep calm and carry on. Write (and create) your own Keep Calm and Carry On poster. Can you make it about your condition? Then go to (http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/) and actually make an image to post to your blog.

This was fun.  Browsing the gallery there were so many posters.  I say a few that already had what I originally wanted to say, so I figured with it being April, what better message to send than this!

Happy Donate Life Month!  If you are NOT a registered organ donor, please sign up.  It takes about 5 minuets and will provide someone with a lifetime more of memories.  Also, if you are NOT an organ donor, Id love to know why.  Not to judge you, but because most people have been so misinformed on organ donation and I would love to help you see the truths about it.  If you ARE a donor, THANK YOU!

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Lets Talk

Day 8 Prompt: Best conversation I had this week. Try writing script-style (or with dialogue) today to recap an awesome conversation you had this week.

Since getting diagnosed and finding out that I am going to need a liver transplant the conversations have gotten more and more depressing.  Mostly from the other side.  Not many people get my sarcasm.  Everyone expects me to be so upset about it all but I can't.  Why when there are such more fun conversations to be had.  Or ones like this

Me: Good morning sunshine
Alex: What time is it?

Me: Time to wake up and eat.
Alex: Why

Me: Because.
Alex: Why?

Me: You want some cereal?
Alex: Why?

Me: Because?
Alex: Yesh Pleeesh

Me: Here you go!
Alex: Where you buy this cereal?

Me: At Walmart.
Alex: Not HEB?

Me: Nope, Walmart.
Alex: Why?
Alex: How you buy that?
Alex: What kind is that?
Alex: Where you buy that?
Alex: Mom, what time is it?

When I say I have this conversation every morning, I mean EVERY morning.  Alexander is at that stage.  Everything turns in to a question.  He asks me a million times a day what the time is.  He wants to know where I buy everything and he loves HEB and Walmart.

I love this stage, as repetitive as it is.  But my only worry is the conversations we will eventually have about my liver.  My oldest one was easy.  He asked a few questions and thought hard about the answers he was given. He never asked me "Why".  There was some begging for me not to be sick and die... that was heart breaking. I know as soon as Alex starts asking questions, they will never stop.  I'm not looking forward to explaining that I have not gotten my liver yet because there are not enough organ donors.  Anthony has already offered his piggy bank to buy me one.  As well as offering me his own liver.  They are both so selfless and loving.  It would break their hearts.  And that is the last thing I want to do.

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What keeps me going. Pt 2

Day 7: Health Activist Choice! Write about what you want today.

I had no idea what I was going to write about today.  I have been in Zombie mode lately.  Doing what needs to get done.  Making dinner, cleaning, getting the boys to and from school.  Bath, books then bed.  You know in movies when the person is walking but the world is flying by in fast forward, that is exactly how I have felt lately.  The whole world is passing me bye.  Its pretty much Easter and I was just at the store getting the final things for the boys baskets.  Where did the old me go.  The one who already had Halloween costumes decided by valentines day.  I used to really have things together and now I'm all over the place.

Then here I am going though the pictures I got of the boys while we were out back coloring our eggs and I stumble upon this one.

I didn't even know I had this one.  And I know Anthony looks like hes crying, but I swear he was laughing.  And now I'm laughing.  If there is one thing that never changes in my life it is how much I love these two.  Little brother chasing his big brother around the yard and screaming at the top of his lungs because he knows  it scares the daylights out of his usually in charge brother.  

This photo reminds me that even though I feel like I am just going though the motions and life is passing me by.  It isn't.  There isn't anything in the world that can keep me from appreciating and loving little moments like this.  

**Happy Easter everyone.  I hope you get to spend the day with the ones you love! **

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Im not afraid

Day 5: Ekphrasis Post. Go to flickr.com/explore and write a post inspired by the image. Can you link it to your health focus? Don’t forget to post the image!

This was a hard one for me.  At first I thought I was going to use up a skip day.  Then I thought maybe I would use one of the extra prompts I was sent.  But then I refreshed and this photo came up.  And I knew I couldn't pass this up. 

Last Light by Suzi...Shmoo

As a little girl I used to sit on the beach and watch the sun setting over the horizon.  Beautiful splashes of color in the sky.  The colors blending with the rolling waves.  Back home the sunsets are breathtaking. I would beg the sun not to go.  Afraid and in tears because I knew that what was coming.  I always walked away angry.  No matter how beautiful the sunset was, I would not erase the darkness in my life. 

Somewhere between there and now, I have come to realize the beauty in the setting sun.  In something I used to find such sadness in, I now find comfort.  Sunsets here will never live up to the ones back home.  But they mean I have made it though another day.  I am alive.  And I am no longer afraid.

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Why?

Day 4 Prompt: I write about my health because… Reflect on why you write about your health for 15-20 minutes without stopping.

There is nothing more lonely than finding out that you are sick and having most of your family so far away.  I was making and receiving a handful of calls everyday.  Then there were the emails and the questions and I was just to tired to get back to everyone.  I already had a family blog, and I thought maybe a blog about my journey with Budd Chiari Syndrome would help bring everyone up to date a lot easier.  

The first thing I did was try to find another blog about life with BCS, but I came up empty handed. I found one, but the last post was a scary one.  Talking about the pain and the appointments.  I had no one to relate to.  Now one to turn to for advice on this specific disease.  That's when I decided that it was perfect.  Probably no one would read it, but that didn't bother me.  I was running out of pages in my journal and was for sure we would be so broke after all the tests I had just done, so we wouldn't be able to afford a new two dollar journal right?!  Can we say dramatic!  Really though, I just wanted a place to write out my thoughts and share with family and friends what was going on.  

A few months into writing, I got an email from a girl who like me was diagnosed with BCS and she was told she could never have children.  She was curious because I had just had my son and she too dreamed of having her own kids.  Of course I was pregnant at the time of being diagnosed.  Suddenly I wasn't alone anymore.  Over the years I have found a handful of other BCS patients, transplant patients and other moms who have been her for me though the ups and the downs, good days and bad.  I love hearing from everyone.  So feel free to leave a comment or two! And leave a link to your blog so I can return the favor!

I also want to get the word out about Organ Donation.  My only option is a liver transplant.  Maybe it won't be tomorrow, or maybe it will.  There is not telling.  One thing I do know is that we really need more people to register as organ donors.  Last year, I set a goal to get at least 5 people to register, I believe I got 6 or 7.  This year, I am at it again.  April is actually Donate Life month, so what better time to sign up than now!  And if you do, be sure to let me know!

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Father knows best

Todays Prompt:

Quotation Inspiration. Find a quote that inspires you (either positively or negatively) and free write about it for 15 minutes.

In 1968 some one said "Little children are all great.  They grow up into big people like us."  And that someone was me.  No me, but my Dad.  When I was little I would hear him telling the guys this and I remember rolling my eyes.  I don't know why, probably because I was a smart ass didn't understand.  But I do now.

Dad last year was undergoing treatment for cancer.  And because the cancer was in his throat and jaw, he was unable to talk like we used to.  See, as a kid I was more interested in fighting with him.  Once I left home, I realized just how much I actually enjoyed the talks we did have.  Dad and I used to talk all the time.  Somehow, conversations that annoyed me when I was a super cool teenager, I now find comfort in.  And now that I am a parent, I cherish these talks.  How does this have anything to do with this quote or my health?  It has everything to do with it.

One of the hardest parts of being sick for me is balancing it with parenting.  There are days where I am feeling absolutely miserable.  I'm tired and grumpy and near tears.  What is the first thing I do?  I call Dad.  And what is the first thing he will tell me?   "Little children are all great.  They grow up into big people like us."

Although sometimes he does just tell me that they are "just boys".  But that's besides the point.  Sometimes I need a reminder that I need to just enjoy them.  That they really are just little versions of me.  That even if they see me fall, they also need to see me get up.  They see everything I do and sometimes, even on my worst days, I need to be the person I want them to be.

p.s. - Sorry Dad for being such a pain in the butt.  Don't worry, I know karma is about to tap on my shoulder.  And when it does, I will remember you saying this and do my best to be understanding and patient with them.  I love you!

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Health Time Capsule

Todays prompt:
 Pretend you’re making a time capsule of you & your health focus that won’t be opened until 2112. What’s in it? What would people think of it when they found it?

I think time capsules are awesome!  Ive never found on or made one, but not that I think of it, it would be fun to put one together.


Some of the personal things I would include would be

• Ultrasound photos.  Wonder what they will be like by then?!
• Photos of me with the boys and David. 
• A few pages from my journal.
• Letters like THIS one to the boys.  
• A bottle of sand from Emon Beach and a pair of slippers.

Some things that would highlight my health focus would include

• A hospital admissions bracelet.
• One of the Hope for Kim bands
• My donate life key chain.
• A print out of the waiting list.
• A hospital bill.
• The letter stating that I was listed with UNOS
• A few pages from my appointment journal

I would hope that someone who were to see these things would get a gimps of just who I am.  These things are all a part of me.  I hope in seeing the photos and reading the letter to my boys, they could feel in their hearts just how much I loved my life.  The sand and slippers represent where I came from and where I spend most of my days growing up.

I would hope from all the medical mementos they would be able to see both the struggle in things like the bills and the pages from my journal.  As well as the hope in my UNOS letter and the bands.  I pray that in 100 years they will look at the number of people on the transplant list and be outraged that there were ever more than 113,000 people waiting.  

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