I had a feeling this day would come When something starts hurting and I dont know who to call. Another case of Kim has to many doctors -itus.
I woke up thia morning with a stabbing pain in my left side. At first I was cursing pms, but thanks to Mirena I dont have that problem any more. So I drank some water, it got worse. Picked Alex out of his crib just about dropped him becauae it hurt so bad. We laid in my bed for a little bit longer, but the pain would not pass. And it only seemed to radiate into my whole side. It hurts to lay down. It hurts to sit up straight. At the moment im looking real gangsta, all leaned back in the chair. Super classy!
Finally gave in and called the Transplant clinic. But it was lunch time, so I left a message and now Im just waiting for her to call back. I dont have the slightest clue as to what it is. My only gess is my spleen, because that is where it likes to hang out. Guess the only way to find out is to see the Dr. Its 3 pm now. I called at noon. Might have to be a pain and call again. That or I might fall asleep.
Hopefully this makes sense. The pain is getting to me. Ive been writing inbetween cat naps. I should probably eat something today, but it hurts to move. And there is no way Im making it down the stairs;) Gonna stop here before I get sidetracked. Much love
July 30, 2010
Waiting
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July 27, 2010
To wean or not to wean: Pt 2
Beastfeeding and Chronic Illness are not friends. But determination and I are buddies and that is what has gotten me this far. Something so natural can be so challenging. Many moms give up. I know I did the first time around and I can see now the differences it has made between my 2 boys.
I go back a lot to the day Alex was born. I remember him so tiny and so hungry. But he wouldn't latch on. I blamed myself and though I had to be doing something wrong. Our Pediatrician came in checked him out, and tried to help me get him latched on. I swear to this day it was all just a test of my will. She assured me that he was getting what he needed and things would start to get better. I was pretty sure the kid was going to starve.
I also remember the first time he latched on really good. It had been a long night of frustration for the both of us. So I brought him back upstairs to nap. I was sitting in bed just praying for things to get better. And just like that, he was latched on. He gave me the sweetest look. It set my heart at easy and made every bit of frustration disappear. Then of course after we got settled in our new adventure, my Dr tells me its not compatible for the medication he is switching me to. Enter our first B'feeding crisis. A rush for bottles and many tears shed. Alex hated the bottles. He would only take one from MIL. And after about two weeks of getting prepared to make the switch, our Pedi tells me that my medication is perfectly safe while breastfeeding. I was so angry. Beyond angry. By then, he had adjusted to the bottle and I thought he was going to have a hard time coming back to the boob. Not my baby. He was so happy to be back. I could feel how relaxed he would get, he just sunk right in to my arms.
Then came a liver biopsy, MRI's and surgery to remove a tumor from my neck. When I woke up from my biopsy, I could hear him crying. And I knew what he was crying for. But because of anesthesia I couldn't nurse. And 2 days later when I could again, I had an MRI that meant he would have to wait another day. At one point the whole on and off thing, boob/bottle thing got to hard for us both. I had people telling me to just give it up or that he was getting to big to be nursing. Cracking jokes that he would be 15 and still on the boob. In October we went down to the valley and had the boys baptized. I promised God I would always do what is best for him. He had a bottle of formula on the car ride home and I decided that it was going to be the last. I never bought formula again. Having it in the house made it to easy to just make a bottle. And we haven't been back since.
But that wasn't the end of our problem. Every new medication needs to be ran by Doctors and Lactation Consultants. I refused to have a Hida scan because I would have to stop nursing for 2 weeks. I finally got the OK to start my Xifaxan for my H.E. and then was told I need to take Zinc. Well it turns out that less that 50mg is safe, but the Dr. prescribed 50 mg, so here I am debating again, to wean or not to wean.
I go back a lot to the day Alex was born. I remember him so tiny and so hungry. But he wouldn't latch on. I blamed myself and though I had to be doing something wrong. Our Pediatrician came in checked him out, and tried to help me get him latched on. I swear to this day it was all just a test of my will. She assured me that he was getting what he needed and things would start to get better. I was pretty sure the kid was going to starve.
I also remember the first time he latched on really good. It had been a long night of frustration for the both of us. So I brought him back upstairs to nap. I was sitting in bed just praying for things to get better. And just like that, he was latched on. He gave me the sweetest look. It set my heart at easy and made every bit of frustration disappear. Then of course after we got settled in our new adventure, my Dr tells me its not compatible for the medication he is switching me to. Enter our first B'feeding crisis. A rush for bottles and many tears shed. Alex hated the bottles. He would only take one from MIL. And after about two weeks of getting prepared to make the switch, our Pedi tells me that my medication is perfectly safe while breastfeeding. I was so angry. Beyond angry. By then, he had adjusted to the bottle and I thought he was going to have a hard time coming back to the boob. Not my baby. He was so happy to be back. I could feel how relaxed he would get, he just sunk right in to my arms.
Then came a liver biopsy, MRI's and surgery to remove a tumor from my neck. When I woke up from my biopsy, I could hear him crying. And I knew what he was crying for. But because of anesthesia I couldn't nurse. And 2 days later when I could again, I had an MRI that meant he would have to wait another day. At one point the whole on and off thing, boob/bottle thing got to hard for us both. I had people telling me to just give it up or that he was getting to big to be nursing. Cracking jokes that he would be 15 and still on the boob. In October we went down to the valley and had the boys baptized. I promised God I would always do what is best for him. He had a bottle of formula on the car ride home and I decided that it was going to be the last. I never bought formula again. Having it in the house made it to easy to just make a bottle. And we haven't been back since.
But that wasn't the end of our problem. Every new medication needs to be ran by Doctors and Lactation Consultants. I refused to have a Hida scan because I would have to stop nursing for 2 weeks. I finally got the OK to start my Xifaxan for my H.E. and then was told I need to take Zinc. Well it turns out that less that 50mg is safe, but the Dr. prescribed 50 mg, so here I am debating again, to wean or not to wean.
Moments like this will stay in my heart forever.
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July 24, 2010
Thankful for the weekend
This week was a long one. And a painful one. I understand that things have to get worse before they get better, but that doesnt make it suck any less. Just saying.
Weeks like this remind me how precious the days we have together really are. We actually managed to get some things done today too! The car needed and oil change, then got a wash. Laundry is washing and I am almost done with my grocery list. The boys are napping...I might join them in few.
I hope everyone is having a great weekend so far. If I owe you a call or an email, I promise to get back to you soon. But right now Im going to hang out with the family and be thankful for all that I have. Be sure to hug your family just a little longer tonight. Much love!
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July 18, 2010
Liver Clinic Appt
I had my first visit at the liver clinic after officially being on the transplant list. Not much changed. The nurses and Dr. O are still amazing. I took Melisa, my younger sister with me since David had to work. I'm getting used to going into my appointments alone, but the Ive always had someone with me at clinic.
So let see whats new...
I have officially entered the world of ascites. Or fluid in the belly. Dr. says its not to the point where he wants to prescribe water pills, but he drilled me on the whole low sodium diet. I haven't been super strict about it. I have kept it below 2000, but I will be aiming for under 1500mg now. I have been fluctuating 10lbs so I also will have to keep a weight diary. I'm not even going to tell you all how much I weigh, but I could stand to lose a few pounds.
We also talked about H.E and how it seems to be worse after eating red meat. He suggested I go back and talk with the dietitian again. last time we talked about sodium intake. He suggested getting my protein from veggies instead of meat. Tofu here I come :) If anyone has a good meat free recipes, feel free to pass them my way. Or any more fish recipes. Right about now I'm really missing being able to walk a few blocks an catch my own dinner. So really, if you have something good, Id love to try it.
What else was there. Ohhh. OK, So when I had my transplant evaluation, I had to get the OK from a psychologist. This was one of the parts of the eval that had me shaking in my space boots. I'm not crazy or anything, but my life hasn't always been "normal". But that appointment went well. Why is this important. Because Dr O had asked about mood swings and depression. The usual questions. And I told him that I'm pretty sure I'm not depressed, just really really stressed. And that landed me an appointment with who I'm assuming is the husband of the psychologist. Same last name, but he is a psychiatrist. Good one Kim. Takes me back to my therapy in 5th grade. That was rough. But you do what you gotta do right. I just keep telling myself that what I am going through isn't as simple as I like to pretend it is. And that there is nothing wrong in getting help, it will only make me better right?!
I also got some new meds. Switching from Lactulose to Krystalose. Supposed to be easier on my tummy. Activa, because sadly, swallowing a pill is more normal to me than eating a activia yogurt everyday. Plus I have to pick up some zinc and Metamucil. I hear they have tasty crackers. Yummy.
So that was that. And I don't have to go back for 3 months if there is no complications. So, Id say aside from the having to see a shrink, loads of meds and the low sodium bit, it was a good appointment. Oh and the fair warning that how I am doing now is nothing compared to how bad its going to get when I really get sick. Joy...
Much Love
So let see whats new...
I have officially entered the world of ascites. Or fluid in the belly. Dr. says its not to the point where he wants to prescribe water pills, but he drilled me on the whole low sodium diet. I haven't been super strict about it. I have kept it below 2000, but I will be aiming for under 1500mg now. I have been fluctuating 10lbs so I also will have to keep a weight diary. I'm not even going to tell you all how much I weigh, but I could stand to lose a few pounds.
We also talked about H.E and how it seems to be worse after eating red meat. He suggested I go back and talk with the dietitian again. last time we talked about sodium intake. He suggested getting my protein from veggies instead of meat. Tofu here I come :) If anyone has a good meat free recipes, feel free to pass them my way. Or any more fish recipes. Right about now I'm really missing being able to walk a few blocks an catch my own dinner. So really, if you have something good, Id love to try it.
What else was there. Ohhh. OK, So when I had my transplant evaluation, I had to get the OK from a psychologist. This was one of the parts of the eval that had me shaking in my space boots. I'm not crazy or anything, but my life hasn't always been "normal". But that appointment went well. Why is this important. Because Dr O had asked about mood swings and depression. The usual questions. And I told him that I'm pretty sure I'm not depressed, just really really stressed. And that landed me an appointment with who I'm assuming is the husband of the psychologist. Same last name, but he is a psychiatrist. Good one Kim. Takes me back to my therapy in 5th grade. That was rough. But you do what you gotta do right. I just keep telling myself that what I am going through isn't as simple as I like to pretend it is. And that there is nothing wrong in getting help, it will only make me better right?!
I also got some new meds. Switching from Lactulose to Krystalose. Supposed to be easier on my tummy. Activa, because sadly, swallowing a pill is more normal to me than eating a activia yogurt everyday. Plus I have to pick up some zinc and Metamucil. I hear they have tasty crackers. Yummy.
So that was that. And I don't have to go back for 3 months if there is no complications. So, Id say aside from the having to see a shrink, loads of meds and the low sodium bit, it was a good appointment. Oh and the fair warning that how I am doing now is nothing compared to how bad its going to get when I really get sick. Joy...
Much Love
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July 13, 2010
Vacation update
Well we are officially into week 2 of vacation. I don't want it to be over. Its been so nice to see my family. Even if its only 3 out of how many?!? My oldest hasn't seen his Bubu {grandma} in 3 years and his Grandpa and Aunt in a year.
We tried to pack in some good fun while they have been here, but have mostly spent the time chilling and talking. And playing the new Wii. We are on a S'mores and Popsicles diet. OK not really, but they are perfect snacks for summer. Took a trip to Sea World. Good times. We also drove out to the Wildlife ranch, which was quite the experience and I cant wait to go back again. We also went to the Riverwalk. Go figure we are there during an Anime convention. That was beyond interesting.
We have made so many more memories in such a little time. I just hope that the boys remember all the good fun we have had. And not so much of the bad! I will miss them when they leave. But I'm glad to know that my little sister is going back for her last year of high school and then will enter the real world. I'm excited, thrilled and so proud of her. She is the last of the kids to leave home. I look forward to watching her create a life of her own, no matter where it is. I love this kid :)
*I have so many stories to share, but I'll do that later. Going to enjoy the last few days. I hate that it has to be over so soon!
July 1, 2010
Monster in the mirror
I look in the mirror and I see a monster. I see a child who has seen things no child should ever even know exist. I see an teenager who felt lost and alone. I see a mother who still aches for the babies she's lost & feels like she's letting the ones she has down. I see a wife who is pushing away her husband. And a sister, daughter and friend who feels like such a burden and hates to be the cause of worry in them all. I'm trying so hard to keep it all together, but today I couldn't.
Today I let the monster out. I yelled and I cried and I felt feelings I hadn't felt in years. Then I kicked the monsters ass and told him to get the hell out of my life. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to hurt, I don't want to be afraid and I don't want to ashamed of who I've become. But it seems that for every good day I have there are double the bad days.
I'm so much better than this. I hate knowing what we need to do but not being able to do it. And as easy as just accepting things the way they are sounds, its not easy to do. I need to remember this day and take only the good with me. I need to remind myself that what seems like the end of the world to me isn't half as bad as some other people have it. That I am blessed to have the greatest family and friends to keep me afloat when I feel like I'm drowning.
Trying to stay focused on the good, but there isn't any today. I don't know its the meds or the lack of meds that is messing with my emotions. Today was Jimma's funeral. Today marks another week on the transplant list. Today I let myself down. Today I let my family down. Today I let all the bad break through the good and it almost swallowed me whole.
Tomorrow is another day. I'm gonna laugh instead of cry. Hug instead of point my finger. Be happy instead of sad. Tomorrow I will see the good in everything. Or at least try harder than I did today. I always say that nothing can bring me down. But in the end I need a reminder that I am only human. I have bad days just like everyone else. I just choose to share it with all of you. Feel free to tell me to suck it up. Ill try. Here's to tomorrow!
Today I let the monster out. I yelled and I cried and I felt feelings I hadn't felt in years. Then I kicked the monsters ass and told him to get the hell out of my life. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to hurt, I don't want to be afraid and I don't want to ashamed of who I've become. But it seems that for every good day I have there are double the bad days.
I'm so much better than this. I hate knowing what we need to do but not being able to do it. And as easy as just accepting things the way they are sounds, its not easy to do. I need to remember this day and take only the good with me. I need to remind myself that what seems like the end of the world to me isn't half as bad as some other people have it. That I am blessed to have the greatest family and friends to keep me afloat when I feel like I'm drowning.
Trying to stay focused on the good, but there isn't any today. I don't know its the meds or the lack of meds that is messing with my emotions. Today was Jimma's funeral. Today marks another week on the transplant list. Today I let myself down. Today I let my family down. Today I let all the bad break through the good and it almost swallowed me whole.
Tomorrow is another day. I'm gonna laugh instead of cry. Hug instead of point my finger. Be happy instead of sad. Tomorrow I will see the good in everything. Or at least try harder than I did today. I always say that nothing can bring me down. But in the end I need a reminder that I am only human. I have bad days just like everyone else. I just choose to share it with all of you. Feel free to tell me to suck it up. Ill try. Here's to tomorrow!
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