July 1, 2010

Monster in the mirror

I look in the mirror and I see a monster. I see a child who has seen things no child should ever even know exist. I see an teenager who felt lost and alone. I see a mother who still aches for the babies she's lost & feels like she's letting the ones she has down. I see a wife who is pushing away her husband. And a sister, daughter and friend who feels like such a burden and hates to be the cause of worry in them all. I'm trying so hard to keep it all together, but today I couldn't.

Today I let the monster out. I yelled and I cried and I felt feelings I hadn't felt in years. Then I kicked the monsters ass and told him to get the hell out of my life. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to hurt, I don't want to be afraid and I don't want to ashamed of who I've become.  But it seems that for every good day I have there are double the bad days.

I'm so much better than this. I hate knowing what we need to do but not being able to do it. And as easy as just accepting things the way they are sounds, its not easy to do. I need to remember this day and take only the good with me. I need to remind myself that what seems like the end of the world to me isn't half as bad as some other people have it. That I am blessed to have the greatest family and friends to keep me afloat when I feel like I'm drowning.

Trying to stay focused on the good, but there isn't any today. I don't know its the meds or the lack of meds that is messing with my emotions. Today was Jimma's funeral. Today marks another week on the transplant list. Today I let myself down. Today I let my family down. Today I let all the bad break through the good and it almost swallowed me whole.

Tomorrow is another day. I'm gonna laugh instead of cry. Hug instead of point my finger. Be happy instead of sad. Tomorrow I will see the good in everything. Or at least try harder than I did today. I always say that nothing can bring me down. But in the end I need a reminder that I am only human. I have bad days just like everyone else. I just choose to share it with all of you. Feel free to tell me to suck it up. Ill try. Here's to tomorrow!


  1. I will not tell you to suck it up. I will tell you to scream when you need to scream. You are brave even when I am sure you wish you didn't have to be. I hope tomorrow is better.

  2. I don't blame you for letting go for one bit. It's heathy and you have such a positive attitude most of the time.

    You are an inspiration to me.

    Have you joined http//www.butyoudontlooksick.com

    I find them to be a great source of comfort, a place where everyone "gets it" and a bunch of nice people too! You can let it all out there anytime you want. Check out the message boards.

    Be well,