She's back

I didn't know her very well growing up. She was taboo, no one talked about her. And thoes that ran into her, left and never came back. I knew she was a theif. I remember when she took my auntie and uncle. I was still pretty young, but I remember hurting. I was sad that my cousins hurt so badly. As the years passed, I could still see the pain they felt. But she went away for a while. I was glad she was gone! I prayed she stay away.

A few years later, there was a new boy in class. I fell head over heels the second I saw him. I knew we were going to be together. I remember the day he didn't come to school. On a tiny island, you can't hide. But he was gone! I later learned that someone he loved was sick. He had left to help. She was back! And just like before, she stole from him. His only brother...gone!

And now 11 years later she's back. With a vengeance. She's trying to take someone I love away from me. She's trying to hurt an old friend from high school. And she's trying to hurt the son of someone I love dearly. I prayed she be gone for good. Never hurting anyone I love.

Over the years I've hear stories of her. Robbing children of their parents. Taking babies before they even have a chance to live. Breaking peoples hearts and causing a pain so unbearable.

She will not win. We can not let her take anymore people away from us. She will not take from me what she has taken from so many others. I will stand and fight. Do what ever I can do to beat her down. She's nothing but a thief. She's a bitch. Her name is cancer.

Today was world cancer day. Do you stand up to cancer? How? Are you an organ or marrow donor? Has she taken anyone from you? We need to find better treatments, we need to find a cure!

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Wah Wah Weigh in.

Ok so todays check in day. And if this was a graded test, is get a big fat F! Sometimes I wonder what in world I was thinking starting this challenge. Losing weight is next to impossible for me. I fluctuate up and down 5 lbs. But can't seem to go any lower.

I have stuck to my goal of cooking at home, very well. Except last weekend. I have noticed that I'm wanting to eat when I'm stressed. And in my world, that's like every other hour of the day. I haven't stuck to my exercise goals though. I've felt the urge to run. The stress is just built up inside of me, but my treadmill isnt "available" to use, and I can't find the motivation to go out. Ofcourse today its just downright ridiculously cold out. Excuses excuses! I know.

I wanted to give up on the challenge. Last week was so insanely crazy that I don't even remember if I checked in or not. But I don't want to give up either. So here I am. All 158.6 lbs of me. I need to do my measurements, but I know that I'm retaining water, so is rather not dig my hole any deeper tonight. I should probably just do this on my own, since there is so many health issues working against me. Like I said, I probably shouldn't have even joined. Ugh, I'm so indecisive toight! Must be my meds!

I'm trying to get my menu plan done early. This time I will be sure to add in breakfast and lunch too. No more random snacking! Anyone care to share a favorite recipe?

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My prayer

Dear Lord,

You know him so much better than I do. You know his sickness and the burden he carries. You also know his heart. Lord, I ask you to be with him now, and work in his life. Lord, let your will be done in his life. If there is a sin that needs to be confessed and forgiven, please help him to see his need and confess.

Lord, I pray for him because your Word says I should pray for his healing. I believe you hear this earnest prayer from my heart and that it is powerful because of your promise. I have faith in you to heal him, but I also trust in the plan you have for his life.

Lord, I don't always understand your ways. I don't know why he has to suffer, but I trust you. I ask that you look with mercy and grace toward him. Nourish his spirit and soul in this time of suffering and comfort him with your presence.

Let him know you are there with him through this difficulty. And may you be glorified in his life and also in mine.

Amen.

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Today I'm thankful

One thing the Doctors have always told me was how quickly thinks change with Liver Disease. They have prepared me for the worst. They have never held back and said its not that bad. I know its going to get bad. Really bad. I have watched a few of my new liver buddies struggle. It breaks my heart! And it opens my eyes to my reality.

Today while I waited for my scans, I ran into an older lady who was beyond exhausted. I overheard her son(I think) telling her that they had to go back to do the EKG first. I could see how she was dreading the trek back across the hospital. But she gathered her strength and went on her way.

They called me back a few mins later. I have done these tests 3 times now. The poor tech was worried about getting the ultrasound gel on my shirt. I told her I was not afraid of a little gel! After having ultrasounds twice a week for the second 20 weeks of my pregnancy, I am no stranger to the goop:)

I still don't know how they read those things. With a baby, you see the bones, but with organs...I'm lost. She did say that my spleen sits out front and not tucked away in its proper place. It's kinda out in the open. Another reason to be careful. Another reason I can't roughhouse with the boys and do anything that might risk getting hit there. Don't need it bursting!

When I was all done, I went back through the waiting room. The lady was back. I asked her if it was her last stop on her evaluation. She said yes. Her son seemed rather annoyed at the process. Or maybe he was just tired. I wished her all the best and went on my way. I realized that one day that would be me. Tired, frail, half awake under a blanket in a waiting room. I pray she gets listed soon. I pray her wait isn't long. I pray her family supports her always. I pray the same for everyone waiting for a transplant. Shot out to all the organ donors out there. There's no better gift than the gift of life! Thank You! I know I say a lot how bad I just want to get sick and get it over with. And somedays I say I don't ever want to get sick. Today I am thankful for being "stable". I get to come home to my boys and play and laugh. Sleep in my comfy bed next to my husband. That is if the boys are piled between us. Today I am alive. And for that I'm thankful.

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Still "Stable"

Today was my follow up at the liver clinic. My appointment was at 1. Yes I'm still here. That's one of the downfall of a failing liver. No driving. A cab would be almost 50$. So I'm hanging out till David gets off work.

So, I'm not super thrilled about today appointment. I saw a new Dr today. He seems cool, but no offence to him, I miss Dr O. I feel rushed. The other guys don't even go through my charts. They don't ask about my encephalopathy and they don't give me time to ask my questions. Today the Dr left the room and I though he was coming back...he didn't. It's kinda like going through your whole pregnancy with one Dr, only to have the on call deliver your baby. I hate change. Nothing else is constant in my illness, I want my Dr back!
I am coming back tomorrow morning for another Liver hopper and abdomen ultrasound. Easy stuff. But I think I will schedule an appt to see my GI, just for the sake of seeing someone who's been with me from the beginning of this journey! Is that weird? Probably, but that's just me:)

The problem is that I've been having a bit more pain than usual. Mostly after eating. And my last MRI showed gall stones. He wants more detail. He did say that having surgery to remove them would be very risky and be more problematic in the long run. He did explain in detail why a shut is not an option for me. He said that my veins are clotted very badly and my IVC, has also been damaged. So for now, there is enough blood getting to my heart. My liver functions are still very good considering too. So more waiting. For now I'm "stable".

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2 little pills

I will start by saying that I have been drunk many times in my life. Grated, alcohol is NOT the cause of my liver disease. But never in my life have I felt like I did the other night. And that was without ANY alcohol.


When I went to visit my Dr last week we decided to up my dose from 150mg of Trazodone to 200. Not a big difference right. Instead of struggling to split one of the pills, I could just take 2. I had had a horrible week of sleep due to sick kids, and was dying for some good sleep. So I decided that I would take 2 pills on Saturday night, since David was home and could get up with the boys. One kid was sleeping already so I figured it was the perfect time. Swallow. Down goes the sleepy meds.

An hour later, I am crawling up the stairs. It hit me half way up. The horrifying part was I was carrying the baby. So, I put him down and held his hand so he could walk up by himself. I did not want to drop him. I tried to call for help, but nothing would come out. I knew if I could just get to the top of the stairs and shut the gate, we would be OK. Got there. Shut the gate. The whole time, my ears had gone out. You know that sound, like your underwater. Yeah. I crawled to the bathroom. I felt like I was going to vomit from all the spinning. It was like I was completely drunk. More than I have ever been in my life. And that’s a lot!

When I got to the bathroom, I was trying so hard to send David a text for help, but I couldn’t even hold my phone. I blacked out on the bathroom floor. When I came to, I was sitting on the pot. David was asking me what the hell I was doing. I remember telling him that I was just going to go to bed now. I woke up the next morning, no hangover!! And while I felt very rested. Enter the ever so famous words. “Im never doing that again!”
 
**And just for the record, I don't ever take my sleepy meds unless someone is home with me ;)**

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