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For the past few months though, I have been struggling to keep my head above water. I have been short tempered, permanently exhausted, I cant catch my breath, everything hurts and I was feeling bluer than blue. I put up a front and dealt with myself behind closed doors. During the day when I was home alone or at night after everyone had fallen asleep. I sat crying in a closet and sobbing in bed because how the hell is anyone supposed to live like this?
And then came today. My cardiologist follow up where I was expecting to get my results from all my tests and heart monitor. I wanted to cancel it because going to the doctor in a foul mood never ends well. But I needed to know so I sucked it up, slapped on a smile and showed up. Early even!
When the Dr comes in she said "Well everything looks pretty good. I know we didn't get a full 48 hours on the heart monitor but we will talk about that later!"
So good news first I guessed.
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I had an echocardiogram and an ultrasound of my carotid artery done a few weeks ago. After my heart attack in 2017 there was a few things not working 100% anymore. A few leaky valves but no major damage. Well good news is there has been no change there! And my ultrasound showed a little build up in my carotid but nothing that would cause any of the problems Ive been having. So, technically still good news.
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But then she looked at me and said with a steady racing heart rate like this I should be exhausted, dizzy, short of breath and I should have chest pressure/pain. Well that explains so much! I smiled at her when what i really wanted to do was break down in tears because I felt like everything I have been pushing though was validated. I wasn't just feeling sorry for myself, it wasn't all in my head. It was real and she understood and explained the why. I have never in my 12 years of dealing with doctors and chronic illness felt so... visible? If that explains it.
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As I sat waiting for my friend to pick me up from the hospital I realized I was also feeling a little let down. Over the last few years, I have been mentioning all these symptoms to my transplant clinic and the most advice I had gotten from them (up until my last visit) was to keep pushing though and I would feel better. Keep workin out to lose weight. Just keep going. My body was telling me to calm the hell down and I didn't stand up for myself. Instead I pushed myself and then felt like a failure when I couldn't do things. I am my own worst critic and I need to stop that. Because the only person who knows how I feel, is me. And if Im not going to take care of and stand up for myself who will.
And now here I am, TWO doses in to the new medication and YOU GUYS! My heart rate his 60. Its been a long time since I have looked at my watch and seen that number and have still felt good. There have been a few times I hit below that but I was on the verge of passing out each time. But Ive been awake and moving around for hours and I have only maxed out at 82 so far. Thats usually a low for me. My heart isn't in my throat. I can't hear the pulsing in my ears. Maybe I am just being optimistic. I don't even care. If I only get these few hours feeling like this, that is more than I have had in the last few years. I feel... good. I have hope again!
In two weeks I will double my medication and then I go back to the doctor in 6 weeks for a follow up. Just wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone who has checked in on me, commented, sent me messages and stayed up all night keeping me company when I couldn't sleep. Y'all are amazing and I am so thankful for each and everyone of you!
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