Cardiology Update: February 2020

One of the hardest things. If not the hardest thing about living with an invisible illness is that no one else REALLY sees it. You say you're tired but you still show up for things. You say you don't feel good with a smile on your face. You don't look sick so people don't know how sick you really are. I struggle with this a lot. Even on the worst of days, I smile, laugh and joke around.

For the past few months though, I have been struggling to keep my head above water. I have been short tempered, permanently exhausted, I cant catch my breath, everything hurts and I was feeling bluer than blue. I put up a front and dealt with myself behind closed doors. During the day when I was home alone or at night after everyone had fallen asleep. I sat crying in a closet and sobbing in bed because how the hell is anyone supposed to live like this?

And then came today. My cardiologist follow up where I was expecting to get my results from all my tests and heart monitor. I wanted to cancel it because going to the doctor in a foul mood never ends well. But I needed to know so I sucked it up, slapped on a smile and showed up. Early even!
When the Dr comes in she said "Well everything looks pretty good. I know we didn't get a full 48 hours on the heart monitor but we will talk about that later!"
So good news first I guessed.

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Thankful Thursday

Years ago, Anthony said one day as we were playing in a blanket fort that we should make one outside. And the idea of camping popped into my head. I remember telling my dad about it and reminiscing on the few memories I have of us going. Back in New Mexico when I was probably 6 or 7. I still remember the smell of the river and the catfish cooking.  I wanted my boys to have those kinds of memories too. A few weeks later, he sent Anthony, not one, but two fishing poles.  I wonder if he knew Id be needing another one?

Two years ago I finally convinced David to buy me a tent.  At that point, I think he was only tired of me talking about it.  He is more of a "Cabin Camper." He likes the AC and the comfort of his own home.  Stars and Campfires, not so much. But he played along. A few weeks after the tent, he bought me a campfire grilled cheese maker. The boys had a sleepover that summer and we popped the tent up in the back. We have camped out a handful of times in the back now.

Well all these years later, he has finally agreed to take us. The plan was to go last weekend, but the rain scared us away. We did settle on a campground and even drove out there to check it out.  I won't lie, its out there and a little intimidating. The boys are excited, I am too, but I am pretty sure David will need a beverage or two to calm his city boy nerves. Honestly, I think he might actually be looking forward to it a little big too. I am just hoping we get out there soon.

Sometimes we have to put ourselves outside of our comfort zone. Sometimes we do things we don't really want to do because someone we love really wants to do it. Every family has that one crazy person with the crazy ideas right? Well in our family, I wear that badge. And proudly. I insist on doing things that no one wants to do, and I pray that by the time its over, everyone has enjoyed themselves.

So what am I thankful for exactly?  For a family who entertains my crazy ideas. For boys who can find an adventure in even the simplest of things and for a husband who loves me enough to smile and go along with it all. Even if it means sleeping in the middle of the woods in a place we have never been before. He might shake his head at a few of my crazier ideas, but he never says no.

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