March 24, 2015

The Grief Cycle

The past few weeks I have been struggling to keep my head straight.  It was hard to focus and my memory was wrecked.  My brain was a giant mess of random thoughts. Now that my medications are settling in and have worn me down to complete exhaustion, my thoughts are finally coming together. And just when I thought I had accepted my illness.  For the 100th time, I feel the grieving process starting all over again. Denial, Anger, Depression and Fear.

Its been an emotional roller coaster for sure.  I have really put David and the boys through it all lately.  You know that Android commercial with all the different animal friendships, I cant even hear the song with out wanting to cry. I have been short with the boys and refused to let David into my Pity Party.  Sometimes I do the good old fake it till you make it. Denial! Not because he wouldn't be supportive but because I hate bringing him down. When what I should be doing is holding on to them for dear life.  For they have yet to let me down.  At the end of the day, its the 4 of us here together.

Last week I was feeling awful and in my head I was debating on calling in to the clinic.  Ive already been told what would most likely happen.  And being admitted is something I am trying to avoid like the plague right now.  But I remember telling David not to tell anyone.  Making him promise not to call people if I had to stay. Because I honestly felt like it would be a burden to them.

Living with a chronic illness has got to be one of the loneliest things in the world.  There is nothing you can do to cure it.  You never intended to get sick.  Never believed it would happen to you. And then it does.  In the beginning, your family and friends rally behind you.  Not a day passes with out someone showing genuine concern for you.  You find comfort in that.  And maybe feel a little guilty or embarrassed but it gets you thought one of the hardest times in your life.

But then the support slowly dies off.  People get back to their lives and you try to do the same. Except you are still sick.  Life does not stop just because you got a big scary diagnosis.  It doesn't stop when you are in so much pain you don't think you will survive.  Or when you are feeling like the biggest burden to your family. Sure there are some good times scattered in between all the bad, but you know one day it will be the other way around. And  you wonder who would really be there for me if I needed it.

A quick way to find out who your real friends are is to get diagnosed with a chronic illness.  

Some days I don't think I could even text people and check on them.  And sometimes, I do and I don't even know it. I'm not saying that I have been the person.  I am on both sides of this too. Sure I could reach out to a lot of people.  And I try to as often as I can.  Usually a week or two will go by that I don't check in with someone in the family or in my close circle of friends.  Healthy or not. I'm awful at calling people back.  Id much rather text or email. But sometimes even that is hard. So in no way am I trying to say I am better at any of this than the next guy. This is just me. Clearing my head out.  Anger?  I realized its the people who I most wish would ask how I am, are the ones who don't.  But I have been learning to just be ever so thankful for those who do. I have been blessed regardless.

Maybe its just something you have to experience to understand. Maybe I'm just being dramatic? Who knows. So whats next?  Depression.  But I'm hoping to just skip that one.  Fear never leaves. Sometimes I can forget about it for a day or two but it is always there.  Rinse and repeat. Tomorrow will be better. The ups and down wear my out but nothing can stop me from smiling.

Review: Cute and Cuddly Pet Odor and Stain Removal Spray

There is no denying I love my dogs.  I do.  I love their company during the day when the boys are at school.  I love that they know when I am not feeling well and are all loving and snuggle with me. Honestly, I can't imagine a life with out dogs.  What I could do with out is the messes. Enter Cute and Cuddly Pet Odor and Stain Remover.

Chico is 14 and is having a hard time holding himself over night.  Now yes, I could kennel him. But these two have become so bonded that without Poncho, Chico does not sleep.  And Poncho has graduated from the crate to dog bed in the living room.  And occasionally the boys beds at night. Chico goes everywhere he goes.  But every now and then, in the middle of the night, he will wander out in to the hall and let it flow.

Its been a a good while but yesterday I found a spot I had missed so I got out the Cute and Cuddly Pet Odor and Stain Remover and went to work.  It had already dried up and I was worried that it might not work.  But it did. I wet the area and used a towel to soak up the water. Then I sprayed it enough to saturate the area and let it sit. I might not have waited the 15 minutes the directions call for but I used a clean towel to soak up what was left. After I vacuumed and low and behold, no stain! Afterwards I steam cleaned the whole carpet.  My house feels so much cleaner now!

I also sprayed it where Walter had an accident when he started his Heartworm treatment.  The Doc told me that he would have to go more often, but I was to late.  Chicos puddles are nothing compared to the pee puddle of a Dane/Mastiff.  I had cleaned it after it happen and there was no stain.  And even though no one else could smell it, my mom nose knew it was there.  And it wasn't pleasant. I sprayed the area too and the smell is gone.

The smell of the solution can be a bit much at first.  Its a strong but a clean scent.  And when you are done, the smell is just right.  Not overwhelming at all.  I used it to spray down the dog beds too. To freshen them up a little between washes.  I did try it on an older stain and it did not work as well.  It did help a little though. And it also discourages pets from repeating the offence so, hopefully there will be no more surprises in my hallway!

I've always been so shocked when I would look at the other enzyme removers.  But now I know why.  I received this product free for my review but if you would like to try this for yourselves click HERE.

March 23, 2015

Menu Plan Monday: March 23rd

I have a feeling the last thing I am going to want to do this week is spend most of it in the kitchen. Don't get me wrong.  I love my kitchen.  Especially now that its painted and 98% finished.  But Im hurting bad and I dont think I could stand for long anyways.  Ill get straight to it since its already almost Tuesday!
Lemon Pepper Turkey from Blood Sweat & Mini Vans

BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwiches with Coleslaw and Melon.

Baked Garlic Parmesan Chicken with Roasted Zucchini.

Lemon Pepper Turkey with Brown Rice and Broccoli.


Shrimp Alfredo with Salad.

Im hoping to light the grill and BBQ.

Chicken Enchiladas with Rice, Beans and Salad.


March 19, 2015

What worries a 9 year old?

My oldest is nine.  Nine is hard.  Someone tell me that 10 is easier!  This really has been such a trying year for us.  Hes wanting more space, wanting more things, wanting more one on one time. Always wanting.  And not so much in a selfish entitled way.  But he wants to do so much with his life but he wants to do it all now.  I don't even know if that makes sense.

Anthony has always been sensitive.  He takes everything to heart and is extremely hard on himself. When he started school I was no nervous for him.  Because he had always been so shy.  But he went in on the first day of Kinder and never looked back.  He blew me away.  He loved school and learning.  He made friends so easily. Friends from all grades.  And the teachers all love him.  But at home, he is the complete opposite.  His Kindergarten teacher told me that she had a brother like that.  That held himself together all day only to come unglued at home.  It was where he could let go.  But the older he gets the more I feel like its something more.  A few days ago he told me that the reason he liked going to his friends house is because being home makes him frustrated and angry.  My heart broke into a million pieces.  Did I do this?

Yesterday we sat down and talked about things that would help and things that make him happy. He told me he loved going to the rescue events with me.  He lit up actually.  He told me he wanted to go places with just Daddy. He craves time with David but because of his work schedule, the boys hadn't seen him since Sunday night, until he got to take them to school this morning.  And he said he wants to spend more time with his friends.  This is what hurts.  Part of the reason, ok most of the reason behind why we don't get out much is because I cant drive. Luckily some of his friends parents are great about picking him up and never making me feel bad about it.  

Tonight before bed he mentioned that he had so much on his mind that he wasn't sure he could sleep. I suggested he write them all down and then I would come in and we could take a look at it when I tucked him in. While I was reading to the little one, he let me know he was done and would be in he room.  When I got there, he was already sleeping and the list was on his desk.  Ever wonder what a 9 year old boy is thinking about?

  1. Walter (our foster dog that passed away)
  2. Grandpa Jim (my dad who passed away, yesterday was his birthday)
  3. STARR tests
  4. Dizziness
  5. Headaches
  6. Uncle Juan (Davids brother who passed away in 1999)
  7. Harlingen
  8. Uncle Danny, Rigo, John and Rigo (his cousins in Harlingen)
  9. My health
  10. What I eat
  11. Will I be tall
  12. Will people make fun of me in middle and high school
  13. My entire family.  Schillings, Mathiesons, Munozes and Rosales
  14. Will mommy get a good liver
  15. Will me and Alex get a good education
My heart is heavy for him.  At first I was a little worried that so many morbid things are on his list, but last weekend his grandparents took them to light candles at the church and the questions have been non stop since the. My childhood was hard and I wanted the exact opposite for my children. He seems to be trying to carry the world on his shoulders.  I feel like after a few good talks we understand each other a little more.  Writing always helped for me so I am praying it helps him to. The thought of him having all this floating around in his head breaks me.

I am going to talk to the school counselor as well as their pediatrician and go from there.  Its like hes 9 going on 30.  I just want him to be 3 again.  Compared to this the 3s were breezy!! 


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...