October 18, 2018

H.E made me do it

The plan was to go back to sleep after the boys left for school, but the house next door is getting a new roof and we are on day two of nail gun heaven.  Lucky me.  I tried to read but that's not working.  I had an omelet. That just made me nauseous.   Everyone is always telling me that the like how I can always put a positive spin on things or how I always see the silver lining.  Some days are more graceful than others.  And some days I lose my shit.  It happens.  Today might just be that day.

I think technically that day was Monday night, when I pretty much broke down mid Kitchen clean up.  I was trying to hard to hold it together.  I'm usually a wait until everyone is sleeping to cry kinda gal.  David figured it out and ended up hugging me until I was done.  Then he helped me finish cleaning up and listened to a few more colorful outbursts, wiped away a few more tears and sent my butt to bed.  I didn't fall asleep until after 2am.  I got a whole 3 hours of sleep that night.

For a few minutes I thought depression was creeping back into me.  Its always been around.  Worse at times, but throughout the most part of my sickness, I have been able to push through that darkness.  I have been able to focus on the good and the light.  Anxiety yes, depression, not so much.  But this felt like something more.  Something stronger.  And then it hit me.


I have been feeling sick for the last two weeks and haven't been taking my medications as directed because, to be honest, when you can barely get out of bed, taking something that is going to pretty much give you what feels like food poisoning sucks, and I just didn't want to do it.  So I have been laid up, only part of what I should be and this is what happens.  Both medications fight the same problem, one keeps things like me getting lost in my own house from happening. Again.  But together, the keep me on the straight and narrow.   So see, I'm not so much depressed as I'm just losing my ever loving mind.  

Hepatic Encephalopathy

Everything I have been feeling, the frustration, the anger, the hurt, it all makes sense.  Its like sometimes I get so used to living with this illness that I forget it is the cause of so much.  Its not just confusion and trouble focusing.  My sleep patterns you guys.  Check this weeks sleep out so far.

Hope Whispers

When I take my "Naps" I am out cold.  When I sleep at night, I'm all over the place.  Moving around, waking up and hardly ever make it to a deep sleep.  I remember the first time one of the Doctors brought up sleep reversal and told me that there would be a time when I would be awake at night and sleepy during the day.  I have been diagnosed with insomnia, but it seems like once I give into the insomnia, I'm still not sleeping well.  During the day, when I'm out, IM OUT!

Sometimes I feel like Drew Barrymore in 50 first dates.  But the Liver Disease version.  Why would I forget the impact that Hepatic Encephalopathy has on me.  Just another reminder of why I have to take my medication... as prescribed.  Which is lame, but necessary.  The struggle is real!  

Don't worry, I have taken my meds today.  I am about to lay down for a bit before I have to be functional again.  Also, I wonder if the H.E has anything to do with my inappropriate behavior and foul mouth.  Who am I kidding, I've always had the humor or a 13 year old boy.  Plus my Daddy was a sailor and I have the mouth to prove it!

I have read and re- read this so hopefully it makes sense.  It was taken me 4 hours now to get these words out of my head and I am mentally drained.  Physically too thanks to my meds LOL .  I kid I kid!  If it gets a little quiet around here, at least now you know why.  

Happy Thursday everyone!  I hope you are all having an amazing week.  The weekend is almost here!  Im not sure we will be able to do much with the way I feel, but hopefully we get out at some point, because I am going a little stir crazy here!  Much love!

Other H.E. Posts

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