I'm not the same. But I am HERE!

When you're sick things change.  I'm changing everyday.  Last night we were talking about how I'm "slacking".  I'm just not the same as I used to be, 5 years ago, 2 years ago or just yesterday.  I have learned to adapt day by day. Each day brings new challenges and I need to be able to rise to it or decide to let it go.  I can see why someone would say its slacking.

Discipline in this house has always been one of my greatest challenges.  I used to be the ruler of the house.  But the truth is, I'm tired of always being the mean one.  Its bad enough these boys are going to have to deal with me being sick.  I have enough guilt over that, I don't need the guilt of being a meanie too.  I've tried though.  Time outs.  But these boys are stubborn as all heck and the crying and having to constantly take them back to time out, wears me down.  Plus 5 mins after they are out they are back to it again anyways.  Spanking is rare around here.  Yelling needs to stop, I'm working on it.  Sometimes its seems like the only way to get their attention is to raise my voice.  I cant count the number of toys that went in the trash or how many times I have said "since you want to throw cars, go throw them in the trash"  The other day it was their little plastic golf clubs.  They sat there in the can all day.  The boys would occasionally go look at them and shake their heads.  But I took them out that night, cleaned them off and hid them for a while.  After all, I don't have the money to be buying toys and tossing them.  Is this so wrong?  My kids are not bad kids.  As dad says, they are boys!  Yes at home they are a little wild and sometimes forget their manners.  But I've come to accept this instead of constantly correcting and scolding them.  They are 6 and 2. Children.  My children.

Oh and guess what, I give in to them too.  I do.  When Anthony was little he had a horrible dairy allergy so his diet was very restricted.  I never gave him candy.  Watered down his juice and so on. With Alex things changed a little.  Its funny to hear people gasp that I gave them cookies.  Or another popsicle.  But I guarantee you that if you were in my shoes, about to cry from all the pain, emotional from all the stress and just beyond tired, one more cookie is a very worthy trade for 5 more mins of silence.  And yes I let them have soda, only when we go out to eat.  I admit I have given in a little to much on the junk. But even still its not that much. That has to change for sure.  I am the queen of 5 more mins.  Because sometimes I'm really the one who needs a little extra time.  Sometimes I even let them skip bath time and just play.  Shoot me.  Honestly, my liver biopsy hurt less that bathing these boys.  The bending over kills me, so occasionally we skip it.  Oh yeah, I'm quick to hand over my phone so they stay quite for a little longer and some days they watch way to much TV.  Yup no mother of the year award here!  

Everything is getting harder.  And I'm having to make the choice of doing whats most important and letting the little things slide.  Some days I don't have the energy to clean.  Sometimes I just don't have the strength to take the trash out.  Some nights I hurt to much to make a nice filling dinner and I make something packaged.  But every morning I wake up and just want to lay in bed and be sick, but I get up.  And try my best to be the person I need to be.  I may be struggling, or slacking or just plain sucking at it.  I know I'm not the same, but I am here dammit!  I'm trying and some days I just wish that was enough.  

For the record, I find it all a bit funny.  Its hard sometimes to tell my emotions through the writing.  I wrote this all with a smile, rolling my eyes the whole way.  I know who I am  and why I choose to do the things I do.  I know my boys have a roof over their head, food in their bellies, clothes on their back and all the hugs and kisses they could ever ask for!  I guess sometimes it gets frustrating and I have to get it out.  So no hard feelings yeah!  

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Do I make you nervous

We had our follow up with the pediatrician Monday. Anthony's ears are clear. Thank God. But it wasn't all good news. I guess it could be worse, but it wasn't the best either. See Anthony does these things...constantly clearing his throat and scrunching his nose. I figured they were from his sinus issues, but they were all clear too. When we talked about his attitudes and "energy" the Dr said she thinks it might just be a nervous tick. Most likely brought on by him worrying about me. We agreed that he is a very high energy and high strung kid. But really, could I be making my kid sick.

This is my baby! He's seen me at my best and sadly he's seen me at my worst. He remembers all the fun things we used to do. Before I became the sick mom. We both struggle with finding peace with my illness. It's brought out the worst in both of us. My sweet boy has turned into an angry little man and his mom turned into a no patience having meanie! It its only when we are home. And he only does his "ticks" when I'm around. After his Drs appointment the boys went to grandmas house, no ticks. As son as he got in the car to come home, he's clearing his throat. Words cannot describe the pain I feel over this. What have I done? How do I fix it? I have no clue, but I will fix it, I promised him that.

I will be sure to update as we hopefully make progress and is love any ideas you guys have. One thing I have started is Time In. When we are both frustrated we call time in and just sit together. Now when he's feeling overwhelmed or anxious I can actually help him calm down. David, being the manly man type was skeptical, but I've even heard him call it. Don't anyone tell him I said that either. All I care about is that it helps.

It's hard being a sick mom. It's hard being the sick wife. But what is it like being the sick moms son? Poor kids, I will not let this get the best of them. I would give my life for these boys. I'm going to live my life for them too!

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Me and my bad luck

Today has been one of those days where everything that can go wrong will go wrong.  And nothing makes sense either.  My mind is running at a hundred miles and hour and its making me sick to my stomach.  I feel like Alex.  Trying so hard to talk but no one understands me. That may be a little over dramatic.  Its more like people all of a sudden forgot that I am a smart ass and cant take a joke. Whatever.  Deep Breath!

Someone was supposed to come out and install our patio fan this morning.  Never showed up.  Turns out he was having "family problems" and didn't call any of his clients back today.  David called and was told they would send someone else out.  And its now 4:30 and still no sign of him.  Today was also day 2 of our shower remodel.  The guys were here bright at early.  A little after 8 and went straight to work.  They had to run back to the office for something and came back to tell me that the walls for the shower are to short.  So he is looking to find some in town and get back to work Friday.  But they ordered new walls when they were in the office just in case.  That would be a weeks wait.  Granted, on our contract it was said the project would be started no later than 4 weeks after signing.  And completed by 6 weeks.  Yesterday was the start of week 7.  Yeah!

My mind is running though so many thoughts right now.  Its like bi polar ups and downs every minuet.  It doesn't help that my body feels so run down.  After almost 8 hours of sleep last night I still took a 2 hour nap this afternoon.  I feel like my head is going to explode and my abdomen is so tender I have to sit up straight and proper.  Thankfully the boys have been pretty good today.  There was some fighting over electronics, but I don't even want to start on that.  

Tomorrow I have a follow up with my hematologist.  Nothing like paying a $35 copay just to be told I look great and to come back in a few weeks.  My labs have all been good.  I was supposed to get them redone again Monday, but forgot.  I feel like I cant keep track of my appointments or anything for that matter anymore.  They are written down in my phone and in my book with reminder emails, but it all goes in and right out.  I'm trying so hard to stay focused and in charge of my mind but its seems to be doing its own thing.  At least I have been able to see these changes happening.  I'm watching myself get sicker and sicker and there is no stopping it.  No matter how hard I try I will never be prepared for the road that lies ahead of me.  

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Woosah

It wasn't until all was quiet in the house that I realized why yesterday was so rough.  I sat down next to David in bed and realized just how bad I was hurting.  Physically.  It was like my liver was throbbing.  And the light bulb went off.  Pain = Temper.  I guess its pretty easy to figure that out right.  And I know I've probably said it before.  It used to be that I would feel the pain and then my whole day would be horrible.  But yesterday was backwards.  I kept telling myself to breath.  I didn't know why I was in such a rotten mood.  Then when the dust settled the pain set in.

Have I really gotten to the point where I don't even recognize my pain anymore?  Like its just part of life.  Every morning I wake up and think to myself...yup, still hurts.  But then I put it behind me and go about my day only to realize again at the end of the day just how bad the pain is.  Most days I am just tender.  But tender just doesn't fit into my life.  With kids climbing on you.  Picking them up.  Putting them down.  Rocking them.  Hugging them.  It all hurts.  Only if I think about it.  And I try not to because the though of not doing these things is insane.  What is a life without hugs from your children.  But being angry cant be an option for me anymore.  I hate being that mom. My pain, is just that.  My pain.  Not theirs.  I need to find a better way blow off some steam.

This morning, I got up and enjoyed a whole hour of silence.  Started a movie, had 4 to many cups of coffee and just took it all in.  Of course things went crazy as soon as the boys got up, but that's life for you.  I keep telling myself to just suck it up already.  I'm going to stop right here because believe it or not, I really do hate complaining.  I have been so blessed and here I am wasting my time being bitter and angry.

Here is to hoping the rest of the day goes well.  Lord help me.  I am taking Alex to the Dr today.  Anthony had to go yesterday.  He has a major ear infection and Croup.  Alex's cough is better today.  But after crying for 4 hours last night that his knees hurt and feeling warm again this morning, I'm praying there is an explanation.  We will see.  TGIF!!  Have a wonderful weekend.

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