July 8, 2011


It wasn't until all was quiet in the house that I realized why yesterday was so rough.  I sat down next to David in bed and realized just how bad I was hurting.  Physically.  It was like my liver was throbbing.  And the light bulb went off.  Pain = Temper.  I guess its pretty easy to figure that out right.  And I know I've probably said it before.  It used to be that I would feel the pain and then my whole day would be horrible.  But yesterday was backwards.  I kept telling myself to breath.  I didn't know why I was in such a rotten mood.  Then when the dust settled the pain set in.

Have I really gotten to the point where I don't even recognize my pain anymore?  Like its just part of life.  Every morning I wake up and think to myself...yup, still hurts.  But then I put it behind me and go about my day only to realize again at the end of the day just how bad the pain is.  Most days I am just tender.  But tender just doesn't fit into my life.  With kids climbing on you.  Picking them up.  Putting them down.  Rocking them.  Hugging them.  It all hurts.  Only if I think about it.  And I try not to because the though of not doing these things is insane.  What is a life without hugs from your children.  But being angry cant be an option for me anymore.  I hate being that mom. My pain, is just that.  My pain.  Not theirs.  I need to find a better way blow off some steam.

This morning, I got up and enjoyed a whole hour of silence.  Started a movie, had 4 to many cups of coffee and just took it all in.  Of course things went crazy as soon as the boys got up, but that's life for you.  I keep telling myself to just suck it up already.  I'm going to stop right here because believe it or not, I really do hate complaining.  I have been so blessed and here I am wasting my time being bitter and angry.

Here is to hoping the rest of the day goes well.  Lord help me.  I am taking Alex to the Dr today.  Anthony had to go yesterday.  He has a major ear infection and Croup.  Alex's cough is better today.  But after crying for 4 hours last night that his knees hurt and feeling warm again this morning, I'm praying there is an explanation.  We will see.  TGIF!!  Have a wonderful weekend.

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