July 27, 2011

Do I make you nervous

We had our follow up with the pediatrician Monday. Anthony's ears are clear. Thank God. But it wasn't all good news. I guess it could be worse, but it wasn't the best either. See Anthony does these things...constantly clearing his throat and scrunching his nose. I figured they were from his sinus issues, but they were all clear too. When we talked about his attitudes and "energy" the Dr said she thinks it might just be a nervous tick. Most likely brought on by him worrying about me. We agreed that he is a very high energy and high strung kid. But really, could I be making my kid sick.

This is my baby! He's seen me at my best and sadly he's seen me at my worst. He remembers all the fun things we used to do. Before I became the sick mom. We both struggle with finding peace with my illness. It's brought out the worst in both of us. My sweet boy has turned into an angry little man and his mom turned into a no patience having meanie! It its only when we are home. And he only does his "ticks" when I'm around. After his Drs appointment the boys went to grandmas house, no ticks. As son as he got in the car to come home, he's clearing his throat. Words cannot describe the pain I feel over this. What have I done? How do I fix it? I have no clue, but I will fix it, I promised him that.

I will be sure to update as we hopefully make progress and is love any ideas you guys have. One thing I have started is Time In. When we are both frustrated we call time in and just sit together. Now when he's feeling overwhelmed or anxious I can actually help him calm down. David, being the manly man type was skeptical, but I've even heard him call it. Don't anyone tell him I said that either. All I care about is that it helps.

It's hard being a sick mom. It's hard being the sick wife. But what is it like being the sick moms son? Poor kids, I will not let this get the best of them. I would give my life for these boys. I'm going to live my life for them too!

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