Hope for 2012

This year was rough.  But we all made it to the end.  And I really believe we ended stronger than we started.  I am  so ready for the fresh start of a new year.  So much hope.

I am hoping for good health for me.  If this is not the year I get my liver, God please let Anna have hers.  Give her the chance to enjoy the rest of her teen years.  She is only a child.  If I could, I would let every child go before me.  But in my heart, even if its selfish, I pray for my call too.  How could I not with 2 little boys of my own.  If anyone gets their gift in the new year, I hope it is Anna!  You can read more about Annas story HERE!

I have so many hopes for family this year.

If I could have anything this year, it would be more time with my family.  The boys miss their daddy and I miss my husband.  Thankfully his schedule has changed and for the most part, he is here every night for dinner!  And we are all happier for it.  I'm also hoping for some time for just the two of us.  I hope that David gets a raise or better yet paid his worth!  I hope that Anthony continues doing so well in school and enjoying it.  I hope that Alex will learn continue to fine tune his speech and I really hope that he does well when he starts speech class at school next month.  I hope that I am able to follow the lifestyle that I need to. I hope that I find more time to do things for me and am feel less guilty about it.  I hope I continue to live life to the fullest.  And cherish it all.

I hope for my brothers and sisters, I'm sure you know which one is for you...

That I get more time to talk to you.  I miss our talks.  A year of less stress and more smiles.  Less tears and more laughs!  I hope you find the happiness that seems to have left you over the past few years.  You deserve it more than anyone.

That find your place in the family and realizes you are every bit a part of it as we all are.  Don't be such a stranger. I promise to call you with more good news than bad this year!  Come and visit us.  The boys would love to finally meet you.

That you see just how beautiful your family is.  You have been blessed beyond words.  I hope that you guys get more time together this year than apart and I pray that it brings you all closer.

I hope that you find peace in the life that is laid out before you.  Its not the easiest but its not  a death sentence either.  I'm not saying to give up, but don't let your past define your future. Those of us who matter know the man you are and the man you can be.  We love you

I hope that this year brings you growth and experience.  I'm talking about making friends, going out (and behaving)!  Doing things that other kids your age are doing.  It is such a big world out there!  Keep working hard and having fun.  This is going to be a big year for you.

I hope for all of the smoking and drinking, the fighting and backstabbing and the lying and sneaking stop this year.  Its been this way for far to long and we have overcome so much together.  Let this year be the year we all accept what has happened and work harder to only make it right.  And I know its a long shot, but I hope this is the year we finally all get together.  We need it.  I would love it.

What are your hopes for the year?  What are your resolution or goal for the year?  I have yet to come up with any specifics, I want to make sure they are realistic and more meaningful this year.  Here is to a happy and healthy new year for us all!  Much love!

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Greatest moments of 2011 (part 1)

This year...

 Alex turned 2

   

We saw "snow"

   

 Lost teeth

   

Laughed

   

Learned how to ride a bike with out training wheels

Went to the Strawberry Festival

 

Anthony turned 6

Took a trip to the state capital and rolled on the lawn  

Got new bikes...and helmets!

   

Started 1st grade

   

Took a trip to Houston and jumped on the bed for hours!  

Added to the family

  

 Helped add 6 more names to the Donate Life Registry  

Discovered Angry Birds

 

Rode a bus for the first time

to be continued...

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This is me, asking for help...

Last week I gave in and called Help Hope Live(formerly NTAF).  They are an organization that helps transplant patients raise the funds needed to pay for their medical expenses associated with transplant.  And with the average cost of a liver transplant over $500,000, medical bills can quickly get out of hand.  Even with insurance.


Right now I am seeing my transplant team every 3 months.  The total cost of the exam is over two grand with my portion of the bill ranging from $200-$300 plus a $35 copay. I am billed also for the labs I get drawn. Before every appointment I also have scans done. Those usually run about $250.  There is also my yearly endoscopy in which I not only get billed from the Dr, but the hospital as well Adding another $4-500.  As far as medication goes, I am thankful that right now I am on pretty minimal meds. What worries me is the post transplant meds, which I am told are VERY expensive.  I will be calling the insurance company today and asking more about what is and isn't covered as well as hoping they can give me estimates of what costs I will have. 


Now to the fundraising part.  I need to put together a committee. I've been told it works best to appoint someone as chairperson. And they can serve as the primary contact and help the communication between the other volunteers. It's so hard for me to ask for help, especially when I have but a few friends here in town.  I don't see any other way to help ease this burden on my family.  If any of you think you could help, please let me know.  If you are local, fantastic.  If not, there are still many ways you can help.  Even if you think you can only help a little, it will mean so much more to me and my family.  Feel free to leave me a comment here.  Or you can shoot me an email.  I would really appreciate any and all help.  From the bottom of my heart liver. 


**Once I have someone who is willing to be chairperson and others that will help, I can call Help Hope Live and let them know I'm ready and we can get the ball rolling!**

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Merry Christmas

From my family to yours!

PS~ More stories and photos to come :)

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Dazed and Confused

I am so lost right now.  I'm frustrated and full of guilt. I'm exhausted, annoyed and lonely.  I laugh at myself and end up hurting my own feelings.  I feel like a failure.  A burden. I don't feel like me.  

Tough words to swallow but its true.  I couldn't even tell you what I did today.  I have been writing forever now and this is how far I've gotten.  My mind is wandering and I don't like where its going.  It's only Tuesday and I've already managed to screw my week up.  


First mom fail of the week, I forgot to turn in the volunteer slip for Anthonys class Christmas party.  He want to thrilled about that.  I embarrassed him which is embarrassing for me.  I also forgot Year book orders were due today.  Told David about them last night.  He was thrilled. I could see his frustration and that was like a knife to my gut.  Tonight I told him I feel like a burden and that I hate frustrating everyone.  When he asked who, I said him.  He reminded me that he isn't "everybody". But to me he is and to know that I cause him more stress is a horrible feeling. 

Most days I'm just playing the part.  I get up make sure Anthony goes to school.  Sometimes I forget to sign his reading log.  Last week I even forgot his homework.  I try to make sure we have everything when we leave but I'm always forgetting something.  I am constantly thinking where the boys are.  Running things through my mind.  Thinking of what needs to be done, but nothing sticks.  I forget it all.  Frustrating doesn't even begin to cover how this makes me feel.  


But what happens when the day comes that I can't get out of bed?  Who will make breakfast and wake the boys up? Who will pick them up from the bus stop?  Who will make dinner and do his reading before bed. God help me when I am in the hospital because that is going to kill me!  I want to be here for my boys to do all these things but I feel more like a failure than anything else right now.  

Will I ever really accept that this is happening?  I keep saying I have and reality keeps coming back to smack me in the face.  How do you accept being sick?  How do you ask your family and friends to be patient with you?  I feel like cutting myself off from the world. I have started to already.   Having more bad days than good.  And the bad isn't even close to the worst it will be.  Lord help me get through this. 

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Adding to the family?

  First, no, I am not pregnant.  As much as Id love to be, I think I am finally coming to grips with the fact that I more than likely will never be pregnant again.  And that is OK.  What I'm talking about is a little something more like these guys.

     

Photos from Pinterest

Adding to the family isn't something we take lightly.  I would likely end up being the prime caretaker.  And I am sick.  As crazy as that sounds to you, I have been reassured by most of my transplant buddies, that their fur babies have been such a blessing through out their sick days.  And its not just me that wants a dog.  The boys have been wanting a dog to "love" them back.  And our 11 yr old Chihuahua just isn't the loving type. Surprisingly David is on board, but he comes with demands.  Well one demand, he wants a Great Dane.  Yes, that is all he is asking for.  

We have been spending our Saturdays at our local Petsmart with the San Antonio Great Dane Rescue. It was there David fell in love with Tucker.  Beautiful dog.  Fawn with a black mask.  Much like the first puppy  up top.  There there was Apollo, who we have been back to see twice now.  First it was just David and I and then we took the boys.  Anthony is still talking about him and I heard him trying to teach Alex how to say Apollo.  Alex calls him Ayalo.  The boys loved on another dog named Bud.  He was as tall as Anthony and boy did Anthony love him.  He was hugging him the whole time and said he was the perfect size for him to hug.  Neither of the boys were phased by the size of them.  Which was really nice to see.  Then again neither one of them are scared of any animal.  I have had to drill into their heads that some animals are not friendly or safe!

But the deal was, we have to wait till after Christmas.  No impulse puppy buying.  Chico needs to get a check up first.  Adoption or Foster only, no fancy breeder.  And it will have to be a whole family agreement.  Its not going to be an easy decision by far.  But we are all excited.  We most likely will end up fostering at first.  Its sad how many poor babies are given up, mostly because they are to big.  I guess people assume Great means Good and not huge!  

Speaking of huge, this is something we are aware of.  And something we are OK with.  Yes we know that there will be drool and slobber.  And food and vet bills.  That is all why we are taking this slow and waiting till the right time. 

I have also decided that I would like to work with animals after my transplant. Not a big surprise here! If this will be possible, I don't know.  But I will have to talk to my transplant Drs about it all.  I still have to have the dog talk with them too.  They know I already have one dog and don't seem to mind as long as I'm not dealing with the poop.  I have gloves for when I bathe him.  So I am being careful already.  I was thinking about volunteering at the shelter or with a rescue group.  But again, I have to run it by my Drs.  And hopefully they will see that doing something I'd love (with precautions) is much better than doing something I'm miserable at.  We shall see.  

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