December 14, 2011

Dazed and Confused

I am so lost right now.  I'm frustrated and full of guilt. I'm exhausted, annoyed and lonely.  I laugh at myself and end up hurting my own feelings.  I feel like a failure.  A burden. I don't feel like me.  

Tough words to swallow but its true.  I couldn't even tell you what I did today.  I have been writing forever now and this is how far I've gotten.  My mind is wandering and I don't like where its going.  It's only Tuesday and I've already managed to screw my week up.  

First mom fail of the week, I forgot to turn in the volunteer slip for Anthonys class Christmas party.  He want to thrilled about that.  I embarrassed him which is embarrassing for me.  I also forgot Year book orders were due today.  Told David about them last night.  He was thrilled. I could see his frustration and that was like a knife to my gut.  Tonight I told him I feel like a burden and that I hate frustrating everyone.  When he asked who, I said him.  He reminded me that he isn't "everybody". But to me he is and to know that I cause him more stress is a horrible feeling. 

Most days I'm just playing the part.  I get up make sure Anthony goes to school.  Sometimes I forget to sign his reading log.  Last week I even forgot his homework.  I try to make sure we have everything when we leave but I'm always forgetting something.  I am constantly thinking where the boys are.  Running things through my mind.  Thinking of what needs to be done, but nothing sticks.  I forget it all.  Frustrating doesn't even begin to cover how this makes me feel.  

But what happens when the day comes that I can't get out of bed?  Who will make breakfast and wake the boys up? Who will pick them up from the bus stop?  Who will make dinner and do his reading before bed. God help me when I am in the hospital because that is going to kill me!  I want to be here for my boys to do all these things but I feel more like a failure than anything else right now.  

Will I ever really accept that this is happening?  I keep saying I have and reality keeps coming back to smack me in the face.  How do you accept being sick?  How do you ask your family and friends to be patient with you?  I feel like cutting myself off from the world. I have started to already.   Having more bad days than good.  And the bad isn't even close to the worst it will be.  Lord help me get through this. 

1 comment :

  1. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Please don't be hard on yourself as you are inspiring to others who read your blog.

    Praying for you. Take care x