Life Remote

I was wishing earlier that life came with a remote, so I could restart the day. And then as I was laying here nursing the baby, I was looking at the remote and there are a lot of buttons on there I could uses. But what for?

Can you imagine having an on and off button. Not only could I turn off the boys when they are running a muck, or turn off myself when I feel like I am about to go crazy. And I wont even get to the turn on button!

The info button would be a life saver. As a wife and mom sometimes I wonder, what the hell is going though these guys minds. When you tell them to do something for you and all you get is that blank stare....info button!

Imagine if you could go back in time! Our wedding day, the birth of our children(is there a pain free button?). Those sweet little moments that we don't ever want to forget could be relived when ever we needed a smile. And there is a record button just in case we miss it the first time! You could fall in love over and over again. I would love to be able to go forward and see the kind of men my boys grow up to be. But I think that would be a scary button for me.

We have tivo, so there is a thumbs up and down button. And at times like now, when I am completely rambling on, there is is a live TV button to snap me back to reality.

Now that I got this nonsense out, I'm going to go take my meds and get my head straight!

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Sick

Well I should have known, with two sick boys and a sick husband, there was no getting away from it. I feel like ass. My nightstand is covered in empty water bottles and tissues. And carmax, the boys thermometers and the ever so popular nose bulb. Or the booger sucker as we call it.

The one thing I am very thankful for is that Alex has been so much more healthy than Anthony was. We were in and out of the hospital for the first year and a half of that kids life. Alex's biggest problem is a horrible yeast infection that wont go away. But when you look at the big picture, Ill take a diaper rash over IVs and meds any day.

Being sick is one things, but when your babies are sick it is almost to much to bear. They are so innocent and cant tell you what they want or need. Holding your baby down for nurses to poke and prod, is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Hopefully this sickness will pass quick. Ive been sanitizing everything and making sure mouths are covered. But you know how it is with boys, they share everything....even germs!

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Am I scared?

Someone asked me this the other day. Actually many people have asked me this. And with a smile I tell them what good is being scared going to do for me.

What do I have to be scared of? My failing liver? Dying and leaving my family with out a wife and mother. Of the pain I am in now, that is only going to get worse.

I am scared out of my mind. There are days I just want to run away from it all. But when I sit down and think about all I would be leaving behind, I know I have no other choice. I cannot and will not go anywhere. Who would color the eggs with the boys at Easter? Who would make the cute little hand print turkeys for Thanksgiving? And who would bake cookies and peppermint bark for Christmas? I am sure that someone would fill in, but that someone would not be me. And that's not good enough for me.

To not ever see Alex's sweet morning smile or to never hear another knock knock joke from Anthony, even if it is the same one over and over. I cant accept that. I have worked to hard to get to where I am and to have what we have. It might not be perfect or much, but its what we have. I wouldn't trade it for anything and I refuse to give up on in.

So yes I am scared, I am beyond terrified. But this is the life that was given to me and all I can do now is live it to its fullest.

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The waiting game

It seems I am always waiting for something. Right now I am waiting for Thursday to roll around. I have a Mri scheduled. And ofcourse waiting for the results is never fun. I doubt I will get thoes until the 1st when I go back to see my Transplant Dr.

I see my hematologist in 2 weeks again. My labs have all been good. That I know of anyways. No brusing or any other issues, so Im hoping things are right where they need to be.

Last night I was sure my liver was in labor! Moms know that pain. The way your uterus would ball up and hurt like hell. Imagine that pain, just higher up. It would take my breath away. But after awhile the pain was ignorable, and I got some sleep. Being unable to go up and down the stairs without feeling passing out would be wonderful. Im just so uncomfortable. But I just keep telling myself it could be worse. I could be sick in the hospital, half dead and waiting on a liver. But instead I am just trying to be as healthy as I can. As as much as I am thankful for my health, the only way to really get better is to get sicker and thats what Drs say we are waiting for....its a cruel world!

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Who needs green grass

You know that saying: The grass is always greener on the other side? I read some where: If the grass is greener on the other side, then fertilize your grass. I don't think I could have said it any better.

Sometimes its just easier to wish we could just have what everyone else has. To jump the fence instead of making what you already have better. We fight so hard to get to where we are, why skip out on our lives now.

Makes me thankful for what I do have. After all, I have a beautiful and supporting family, some people have no one. I have a husband who loves me, so many marriages don't make it. I have bills up the yin yang, but really that just means, I have a home for them to be mailed to and that I am fortunate enough to be able to see a dr.

I am here and happy and somewhat healthy. I'm surrounded by beautiful people. I have a place to rest my head at night and I know that my children are happy and healthy. I have been luck to have this much already. So what if my grass is a little brown, when I want greener grass Ill go get me some fertilizer ;)

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Time to play the lotto

No wonder my hair is falling out. Although Id rather it just go gray :) One of the biggest suckiest parts of being sick.. Even though its not my fault, I still have to pay for it!

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