Did anyone else just kind of check out of life last year? NO? Just me, eh? I wish I knew how to explain it better but I was kind of living in survival mode. I should have known life was about to get wild when it started snowing in Texas. We moved from San Antonio to Houston. David got a promotion and then got laid off a few month later when the company was bought out. Just 3 weeks after we closed on our brand new house. The boys went from distance learning, back to in person school. My health was doing great and David was diagnosed with diabetes. And once he got better and was healthy enough to go back to work...I got worse. I can't make this stuff up! I feel like its just been one step forward and three steps back for the last 12 ish months. And I'll do just about anything to change our luck. Even cardio every single other day for the rest of my life! Its that bad y'all! I kid. In reality, even with all the craziness, we are together and really that is what matters. I know it can be worse but man, that doesn't make it any less heavy. But I am beyond thankful that even with everything getting turned upside down, we had the means to keep ourselves going. We are safe and alive. Im calling it a win.
I learned my lesson after the last two years and Im treading carefully this year. Walking into 2022 real slow. (January was pretty much a test run). I have an open mind and heart. Excited to receive whatever comes our way. Im ready to move forward, with grace. Im looking forward to making the most out of our year. But if it turns out to be another crappy year, at least I know I will be able to say I did what I could.
While I was gone from here, I pretty much only checked in on Instagram. And even there, I pulled back a bit. But that is where I have been mostly because that is where many have reached out to me because they too were diagnosed with this one in a million liver disease. Having someone reach out to me and tell me that they thought they were completely alone, was a good reminder to me of why I even started this little space anyways. I think I am up to a handful of people just this month who thought they were the only ones. Thats the thing about life with chronic illness. Unless someone has actually gone through what you are, they will never really know. Doctors are telling you what they learned from the books. Family and friends are telling you what they think. Everyone means well. For the most part anyways, but it still gets so unbelievably lonely when you feel, no, when you are one in a million. Thats what I love about social media. Meeting people from all over the world who are going though the exact same things as me.
So here we are. Almost 3 years into this new way of life. Learning how to pivot and make things work for us. We are all still trying to figure out how to live our lives the way we want to all while trying to do it with even more rules and guidelines. There is so much hate and disagreement going on. Everything seems amplified. People are struggling. Myself included. If Im being honest, I learned at an early age how to paste a smile on my face and pretend like everything is ok, when my whole world was going up in flames. Part of me wants to slip back into that habit and pretend again. Part of me thinks that if Im happy it means that everything is ok. That if things are going good, that means nothing is going wrong and I am not allowed to feel anything but good emotions. But Im not going to.
My word for the year is HEAL. I chose this word because it felt right after last year. I spent a lot of my time away trying to figure out what I really wanted. What I really needed. And how I would make those things happen. All these ideas, I have had them before. I thought I was doing the work. But turns out, I was just do the prep work. The real work was going to call for me to dig deeper. Sleep, meditation and self care just wasn't enough. It took a month of me asking David, "Can I really do this? Do I want to?" I told him it wasn't going to be pretty and he told me it was going to be hard, but we both know that I need to shed so much of what I have been dragging around my whole life and we are excited to see who I am under it all. So far Ive mostly been reading, journaling and trying to get my skeletons sorted out. Im excited to see what is yet to come.
So, yeah. Its been wild. And its only going to get more crazy. But Im here for it.
What is 2022 bringing you? What are your words, resolutions or goals? Or are you just winging it? Because that's cool too! What ever path you are on, I am hoping you get all that you are hoping for. And that everything turns out perfectly for you.
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