November 12, 2014

Update of Sorts

Not my typical Wednesday post but I figured I have a few minutes and since my phone is being a pain and not letting me upload my pictures, Id get this out of the way.  

Yesterday was my liver clinic appointment.  Although, I'm not sure I would call it that much.  It was more like a meet and greet.  The Doctor shook my hand and that is the only contact we had.  No abdominal exam. No checking my breathing even.  The nurse checked my stats, so I do know that my blood pressure was a good 106/64.  And now that my appetite is back, I've gained back the 6 lbs that I lost last month.  Not a big deal.  I was so caught off guard and felt so rushed that I didn't even mention the shortness of breath to him. Or the bloating.  Which could have been brought up when he did my exam, except that never happened. After a 2 hour wait for a 6 minute appointment, I was just to out of it to even think straight.  I feel asleep somewhere in there.  Something that happens a lot these days.  Another thing I should have brought up.  I did bring up my mood swings to which he laughed at.  Never got an answer there either.  

But there was good news.  My last scans show no cancer.  My liver and spleen are still greatly enlarged but that's not news.  My labs were good.  My liver is diseased, and while it is not functioning as well as it should be he said it is not failing just yet.  And until it does, I will just keep doing what I'm doing.  Waiting. I've been doing this for the last six years.  But hearing that you are not sick enough yet to be helped burns like a slap in the face.  EVERY. TIME.  

So here I am.  Writing this out.  Waiting for my meds to kick in and knock any energy I have left right out of me.  Praying that I am able to pull it together and pick the boys up from school.  Keeping a mental reminder that I need to get the house cleaned and dinner started.  All while feeling like I am stuck in slow motion and I'm not going to be able to get any of it done.  I spent the morning reading and trying to refocus on the things I need to pay more attention to.  The boys, David, the dogs and the house.  These are the things that matter now. They are the ones I am doing this for. 

I still have to call and schedule another mammogram as there are even more lumps that the doctor is concerned about.  The last one was nothing so I am praying these are the same.  I will call the liver clinic to see what the results of my blood work were and schedule the ultrasound they ordered.  And on Friday I have an appointment with the hematologist.  I swear I can't catch a break.  But I can't sit here and let it eat at me.  I usually do pretty good at keeping on the bright side but every now and then I have to pull my self out of the dark and remind myself that I could be worse.  It is what it is and it really isn't that bad.  

I'm beyond thankful for all the support, words and prayers that everyone sends me.  I was glad to have David there with me even if he is still laughing about me talking in my sleep.  He thinks hes funny, that man! But I love him for keeping me smiling when all I wanted to do was pitch a fit like a 4 year old.  Despite all the craziness, I am beyond blessed..

I am still debating on switching transplant clinics.  But I am loyal to a fault.  I have been seen here for the last 6 almost 7 years.  And have only had problems the last 2 years or so.  There is only one doctor I care to see who actually gives me the time of day and his full attention.  Do I stay or do I go?  Can I?  I have no idea what to do. Time will tell.  No decisions till after the new year.

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