October 18, 2012

World...meet shoulders.

Last night after David got home from work we had to run an errand for my mom.  But first he took me for a ride.  One thing I love/hate about this man is that he can always tell when life is getting to tough for me.  And he makes me talk about it.  I love that he can tell when I need to let something out.  I hate it because somethings I just don't want to talk about it, even though I always feel better after telling him.  So last night we took the long route and he asked me what was running though my head.  This morning I came across this pin on Pinterest!

                                                                                                       Source: imgfave.com via Kim on Pinterest

I tried my best to explain it to him.  I've been thinking about the last conversation I had with my dad lately.  Trying to find the hidden message somewhere in it.  What was he trying to say when he told me I would know what to do.  That I always knew what to do.  Because I am missing something.  Something big.  It feels like all the worries he had and shared with me during that last phone call have been put upon my shoulders and I am stumbling under the weight.  I am trying to do right by him and I am trying to keep the things he was worried about from happening.  But I cant help someone who doesn't want to be helped.  I can't keep giving advice to someone who won't listen.  I can't apologize for the lies that people tell about me.  And I can't fix other peoples mistakes.  He only told me things he said he knew I could handle.  And I know he confided in me not to make my load any heavier, but because that's what we did for each other.  I loved that I could always count on him to be my voice of reason and that I could be the same for him.  So why am I struggling with this now.

Some days my head tells me to just dump it all.  My heart tells me something different.  Instead I take this load and I carry it with me.  I know more than I should.  I've seen more than I needed to.  And I have heard more than I wanted to.  I would gladly take their worries and pains too.  I don't know any other way.  Neither did he.  I am my fathers daughter.

One thing I do know is that it will get better.  I need to get my head on straight.  Focus on the possible not the impossible.  This weekend is going to be extra fun.  Davids work is having a company picnic   On a ranch out in the hill country.  Fishing, boat rides, long horns and lots of fun. I'm taking my camera.  Im just excited to get out.  But a little nervous being around so many people that I don't know all to well.  Wishing you all have wonderful weekend.  Much love.

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