October 15, 2012

2 in heaven. 2 on earth.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  It is also a day that reminds me of a pain that is usually kept deep in my heart.  The sadness that I keep locked away comes out and there is nothing that can stop the tears.  Its a hard day.  Not just for me but for so many others.  Tonight at 7 I will light a candle for the babies I will never hold.  And for all the other parents who are missing their angels too!  Its not a happy story, but here is mine.

 I remember looking into Davids eyes and telling him something was wrong.  Everything was wrong.  I was just a senior is high school   A month away from graduation.  And our little secret was about to be told.  For months we had been trying to plan the rest of our lives.  I was already planning on moving to my moms in FL.  He was going to join the military.  Every night before he would leave, he would rub my growing belly and tell our baby that he loved him no matter what.  We knew we were young.  We knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.  But we had to keep the secret at least till we left home.  A week before prom, it started.  The cramping.  Then the bleeding.  I put on a smile and we made it to my Senior Prom.  We stayed just long enough to have one dance.  The song?  I wanna love you forever.  We went home that night and I told my dad that I needed to go to the hospital.  After a D&C, a blood transfusion and a 2 night stay, David picked me up and took me home.  That night we walked the island feeling like we had just lost everything.  Crying.  So empty.  For 4 months we 

A few years later, we were living in FL.  Working and doing our own thing.  I remember when I first realized I was pregnant.  David insisted I see a Dr as soon as I could.  Even though we wanted nothing more, suddenly I was scared out of my mind.  I remember calling my sister and just about breaking into tears trying to tell her that I was pregnant.  I wish I could have taken a picture of Davids face when we first hear that heartbeat.  Strong and fast.  A month later, on September 11th, we went back in for a followup.  My joy over getting to hear her heart beat one more time was shattered when there was nothing but silence.  My Dr. said he was sorry and I turned to David and told him I was sorry too.  I felt like it was my fault.  My only job was to keep our baby safe and healthy and I failed.  The nurse, not knowing of our loss, handed us a diaper bag on our way out.  Two days later, while I was vacuuming of all things, it hit me.  I fell to my knees and sobbed uncontrollable.  Then his arms were around me, his tears were on my shoulder.  I blamed myself.  I lost faith.  The bleeding started the next week and after a week of more bleeding and even more pain, David took me to the hospital.  Another D&C and transfusion we were sent home.  No baby.  No hope.

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.  A husband who loses his wife is a widower.  A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.  But there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is -Neugeboren, 1976

We began to think that we would never have the family we dreamed of.  To this day, we still imagine our lives if our first two babies had lived.  We would have a teen.  We never gave him a name.  We don't even know for sure, but I always say he.  Just as David would when he talked to him.  We would have 10 year old too.  My heart tells me it was a girl.  I can see her face in my dreams.  Long black crazy curls, big brown eyes and her daddys lips.  I wish I could draw her face so I could remember it always.  My heart aches to hold them.  And to comfort them.  Maybe its me that wants the comfort.  

We didn't have an answer to why I had such a hard time staying pregnant until I was diagnosed with my blood disorder.  There isn't anyways to tell for sure, but most likely that is the cause.  It doesn't make it any easier.  My heart still hurts when I remember how quickly the joy I felt when I found out I was pregnant was turned into sorrow.  I still wipe away tears when I place my two angels atop my Christmas tree.  This is a pain that will never go away.  

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