February 15, 2016

Foster Dog Diaries: The good, the bad, & the broken heart.

Seriously mom. I know you have a snack behind your back! -Morris

The other morning I sat on the couch with my swollen feet up on the stool. And in my lap, Morris rested his head. I was scratching his ear but what he really wanted was a hug. I know, I know. Dogs don't like hugs! But yall have not met Morris. If you sit he will walk up to you and put his head on your shoulder and wait for you to wrap you arms around him. He loves hugs.

I looked down and him and wondered where life went so wrong for him. A puppy, hit by a car. Unable to use his back legs. One day saved by angels and within a few days after surgery, he was walking again.  And it turns out he was a happy bouncy boy who had so much to say. Hope was high for him.

Morris was only supposed to be here for a week. A week came and went. We were still getting over losing Walter and Morris was just what we needed.  A puppy full of love.  And lots of mischief to keep us busy.  A handful, yes, but a very welcome distraction. Even Poncho and Chico came out of their shells again.

Three kennels, 2 baby gates, a few shoes, a shelf of books, and almost a year later, Morris has settled in with us. He has learned the house rules. He knows to stay on the carpet when the front door is open, he sits and takes his treats nicely. And as long as we leave him with the other 2 dogs when we are out, he usually keeps himself out of trouble.

Over the Summer Morris stopped eating and was very sick. I was sure we were going to say goodbye to him then. He lost so much weight. And his head hollowed out. I was in tears just about every day and would lay with him on the floor for hours. Thankfully he started eating again, with lots of extra goodies in his bowl. He was never really the same since. Still not gaining much, still not eating much, and the infection was still oozing.

The infection he has just won't go away. And despite the loads of medication, nothing is helping. For the most part he is his happy self. Still has something to say about everything. Still bouncy. But still with the infection. Every now and then I will see the hurting side of him. I see him not playing the way he usually plays and not running as fast as I know he can. Some days he would rather just sleep the day away.  And my heart breaks for him. The past few days he has spent more time on his own, sleeping instead of hanging out with everyone and playing.

Friday morning as Ant was trying to put his socks on, Morris kept trying to go in for a hug. I could see the frustration in both of them. One was running late. One needed some love. Anthony threw his hands up, knowing he was not getting that sock on. And before I could tell him to calm down, he threw his arms around Morris neck and buried his face in his neck. I knew there were tears.

The doctors said if the infection was in on of his legs, they would have amputated. But the infection is in his spine and there is nothing they can do for him. There is nothing I can do for him. And I am completely heartbroken.

I have always told myself I would never be selfish enough to keep an animal alive to spare me a broken heart. And now that the time has come, I want more time. To hide him here longer and just pretend nothing is wrong. But in my heart I know it is. I know he hurts and I know he is sick.  Either way is going to hurt.  I can spare myself. Be selfish and eventually he will only suffer more. Or I can let him be at peace. Pain and infection free. I'm not a selfish person but I want so badly to be.

I hope tomorrow lasts forever and Tuesday never gets here.  My heart is broken.

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