Last night I watched as my husband help load the nursery furniture into the back of a strangers car. And just like that, my belly ached. I thought about the hours I spent telling David all about how we would live with our house full of children. And how he would say I would be lucky if he would agree to two! He will never admit it, but he wants another one. We have had many talks about it. But the decision was taken out of my hands.
Having another baby would mean I would go from two regular doctors to being watched by 4 or 5 if needed. I would have to go back on twice daily injections. Weekly check ups. Scans and tests. The medical bills would pile up again. I would be putting my life at risk. And worst of all, I would put this imaginary baby at risk. And I'm not talking just pregnancy complications. My blood disorder is hereditary. So both boys have a 50/50 chance of having it too. I have enough guilt for putting that on them. I couldn't do it to another child.
After I had Alex my Dr insisted I get my tubes tied. I felt like it was to permanent so I went another route. But now here I am. Unless there is a big change in my liver anytime soon, my road to transplant is going be a long one. Who knows how old I will be with I finally do get my new liver. And I'm not sure I would feel comfortable stretching my belly out after a liver transplant anyways! Have you seen the scar it leaves? I'd be scared to even try.
So that leads me to this. Two kids are more than enough. They fill my heart. And I am happy with just two. I say I would want a baby girl, but I know I was not made to be a girl mom! I know there will always be something that makes me wish for just one more, but our family is complete just the way it is. I will always sigh when I see preemie clothes. I will hold friends babies and breath in that baby smell. I know I will cry, oh yes, there will be lots of tears. Just because I want more doesn't ever mean I don't love what I have now!
How many kids do you have or plan to have? Did coming from a big or small family play into it? I come from a big family and David only had a brother. I still remember his face the first time I told him I wanted 6 kids! Priceless!
OH kim, you made me tear up. I have it set in my mind that babies are over for me because of life circumstances but just like you said.... I have tears and I really do hold onto friends kids a bit too long. I get a little misty eyed at the sight of baby clothes and baby smells. I offer to baby sit my friends babys and luckily I have 3 that I see on a regular basis and cuddle. 2 of them are only 2 months old so that really helps fill my void. While i love LOVE my son and he is my happiness I dont know when that feeling will ever go away or be forgotten. Im sorry for your heart and I pray the feeling gets forgotten with all the happiness your 2 boys give you
ReplyDeleteThank You Alvina. Sometimes I feel so bad for wanting more. Its not that I love my boys any less but I wanted a whole house full and I feel like the decision was taken out of my hands. Most days I am willing to accept that its just not the best choice to add another, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I guess its just something I will have to live with.
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