April 17, 2013

Who I am and who I want o be

Have you ever watched a video of yourself and though, who the hell is that?  The other night I was doing a little workout while Alex laid in bed.  He was busy taking video of himself and laughing away.  I was busy sweating up a storm, but I couldn't help but smile at him being so silly.  Until he said he was going to take video of me.  Lord help me, the last thing I needed to watch was me doing jumping jacks.  Shudder!

When he turned the camera towards me I jokingly reached toward him and hit the bed.  I grabbed the phone out of his hands and turned the camera on him.  Of course being the silly boy he is, he was laughing and playing along.  But when I watched the video, I was terrified by what I saw.  I looked so mad and angry. I literally scared myself.  Then I just felt embarrassed and guilty.

I have been trying really hard to be nice and calm with the boys.  But between a 7 year old who has a mad case of the "smart mouth"  And a 4 year old that just now hit the terrible twos...yeah.  Some days I feel like I yell more than anything.  And that just breaks my heart.  I don't want to be that mom.

Its pretty clear to see that I love my boys more than life itself.  But seeing myself look like a mad woman, even though we were just playing, was like a slap in the face.  I need to get my stuff together.  Before I know it they will both be in school and I will be here all alone.

Tonight Alex is spending the night at grandmas house.  And I am sitting here in bed realizing just how much I miss that crazy boy.  After Anthony went to bed, the house was silent.  I'm laying here alone.  No little feet tickling me.  No begging for my phone.  Just silence.  And I hate it.

I'm going to look at it as something to reflect on.  A reminder to take a deep breath and enjoy the bad with the good.  I know I am blessed beyond stars.  Without my boys I'd be lost.  Sometimes we just need a little reminder to step back from the every day routine and shake it up a bit.  Have some fun.  Relax and enjoy each other.  Tomorrow is a new day!

No comments :

Post a Comment