November 20, 2012

Choosing sides. Life or Death

There were days when I begged to be sick.  Sick enough.  I was tired, scared and losing hope by the day.  One day I was a happy and healthy and the next I'm being told there is a great chance that me and the baby growing inside of me, might not make it.  Everything was up in the air.  Even the doctors seemed cautious and unknowing.  That was the hardest part.  Not knowing which side I was facing.  Life or Death.   

I let the fear settle in.  I cried. Not because I was sick.  I cried when I looked at my son.  Right in front of me played a little boy, so full of life and such big dreams.  Would I ever get to see him grow into the man I dreamed he would be.  Who was going to hug him when his heart gets broken for the first time.  When he graduates from school, will I be there to tell him just how proud of him I am?  The thought of him someday having his own family, a wife, kids and a beautiful life.  It was all flashing before my eyes and there sat a little boy, all of 3 years old.  I cried because I wanted to be there for it all and the weight of the reality was crushing me.  Nothing is promised.  I didn't know if there was a tomorrow.

I started writing letters.  Here and on paper.  I let my dreams became my reality because I thought they were all I had.  I had almost completely given up.   I pushed my husband away.  I couldn't bear the thought that I would be leaving him with one, maybe two kids.  The thought of him someday falling in love with someone else and them being the only "mom" the boys would remember.  It shattered my heart into a million pieces.  Why me?  Why now?  Why anyone?  I tried to tell myself, if it wasn't me, it would be someone else.  Maybe even someone close to me.  Then I would be watching them trying to crawl out of the hell I was in.  It was a dark and almost hopeless time.

But there was always that little speck of hope in there.  There was always something to bring me back to the bright side.  I was a mom.  I was going to be the mom of two.  I loved my husband.  I wanted to live.  And there was nothing that was going to stop me from living my dream.  I accepted that it might not be the same as I had dream but it was going to be the best it could be.  If I only had one day, I was going to live it to the fullest.  I don't remember now if something happened, or if it just clicked, but I knew I wasn't going to let life take anything from me.

Suddenly when I looked in to his eyes, I saw a life of laughter and happiness.  And I was there.  I dreamed of holding my unborn son and I pictured him crawling, walking, running.  There was no way I would ever just let go of all of this.  I kissed my husband goodnight and smiled, having faith that it wasn't going to be our last.   I had everything I wanted out of life.  I was not about to let anyone take that away from me.  I was going to live. I was going to fight.  Maybe not forever, but for what ever time I have, I will live it with love, smiles, hugs and kisses.  People tell me they wish they could have what I have. They can.  Find someone who makes you happy.  Love them something fierce.  Never stop fighting for the life you want.  Dream it then make it happen.  Live.

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