July 2, 2012

Taking the good with the bad

Life has always been an all or nothing for me.  Either things were going great or they were falling apart.  I love hard and hurt easy (although I'd never show it).  But now it seems the good and the bad in my life are mixing and I'm not quite sure how to handle it.

How can I be so so blissfully in love, when my family is facing something so sad.  Why do I feel so guilty when I catch myself smiling though out the day.  I go from happy to terrified in less than 60 seconds.  From crying to laughing so hard I can't breathe not sure if the tears are happy or sad.  

I think of all the times I've been told that I'm not taking "life" seriously enough.  People wonder how I can be so positive and joke about what I'm going though.  When I think about it, there I am all mixed up again.  I want to be sick, wait no, I want to be healthy.  I tell myself I have come to grips with it, and then I'm smacked in the face with the reality of it all.  I am glad for all the eye opening this journey has brought me and sad for all the pain it brings.  

I feel like I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions.  And I want so bad to just cut myself off and hide.  I've already noticed I've been keeping to myself.  But at the same time, I jump at any chance to get out of the house for a little bit.  I went from usually being so composed and held together to this crazy emotional wrecking ball.

This week I am determined to keep it all as positive as I can.  Spend some good quality time with my family.  There is so much we need to talk about.  And so much that needs to just be left alone for a little while. Get my camera out.  Take time to enjoy all the little things.  Deep breaths and lots of prayers.  Just like everything else I know I will get though this, but I know its just going to be harder than anything else that life has thrown my way.  

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