January 6, 2012

One Fear

If you have been following, you have read that I am going to be starting a fundraising effort to help offset my transplant expenses.  Asking for help has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  All my life I have been to stubborn to ask.  Most of my life growing up was kept secret.  Not many people knew what was really going on and most that did, only knew the half of it.  When I struggled in school, I didn't dare as for help. To afraid someone would ask me a question and I, being me, would tell the truth.  Even more so that when I did ask either I wouldn't be take seriously or be let down, again. That's how I was.  If you asked, I would tell.  But only if you asked.  Now that I have grown up and see how damaging that was to me, I managed to let go, forgive the past and now, I cant keep my mouth shut most of the time.  But I still am so afraid to ask for help.

Mom said to me the other day when we were in the car, that it seemed like I didn't need any help at home.  That it seemed like there was nothing wrong with me.  That is what scares me most.  People can be so judgmental.  Moms right though.  I don't look like someone who needs a liver transplant.  I am not jaundice and I am by no means fragile looking.  I still manage to get up everyday and make sure things get done around the house.  I play with my kids the best I can and I even venture out of the house on the weekends with the family. Doesn't sound very sick to me.  

But on the inside, I feel like I am carrying around a pillow stuffed inside me.  The pain is the same but now I'm just plain uncomfortable.  I sleep a few solid hours every night.  Tossing and turning the rest.  I need reminders to take my medication and back up reminders, because I usually forget what I am doing while I am on my way to the medicine cabinet.  My medication makes me sick to my stomach and most days I have a hard time staying hydrated.  I'm online a a lot.  Trying to keep the only social connection I have alive.  But sometimes it takes all the focus I have to just write out my thoughts or reply to calls and emails.  I nap for hours during the day, not because I am lazy, but because its the only time I can sleep.  However, having 2 young boys makes that kinda hard.  Things just have to get done and I seem to have the need to do it all.  Stubborn me!  

All of a sudden I worry what people will think.  Here I am asking for help, but to them, I look like I am the last person who needs it.  When I asked, people I never imagined reached out.  I am blown away and scared out of my mind now.  I was so ready to be let down.  Figured, I would ask once and drop it.   I cant show you my illness, I can tell you all about it, and that's what I try to do here. I should have known that the people that offered to help would.  They have all been nothing but pillars of hope for me all this time.  I am looking forward to getting to know them all better and someday thanking them for everything they have done for me.  

I hope this makes sense.  I'm a little foggy today. My energy is at an all time low, but I'm trying so hard to stay ahead of it.  Had planned to have mom drive us to the duck pond after school, but I think I will be needing a nap so maybe when I get up, a walk around the block will be enough for them.  Gotta save some energy for the weekend.  Have a good one too!!

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