November 17, 2011

Letting go of the Fear

I don't want to be sick.  No one wants to be sick, I know, but I'm so afraid of getting sicker.  And its not a matter of if I get sicker, its just when.  Waiting for my body to give out on me.  Constantly being aware of every little twinge and pain for fear that its beginning.  Every nose bleed, every bruise brings fear.  Every stabbing pain makes my heart stop for a minuet.

I often guess what is going to come next.  Will it be the varices in my esophagus that will make me vomit blood?  Or will it be ascites that will make me swell with fluid to the point of looking 9 months pregnant again.  Or maybe I will just slip in to a coma from my encephalopathy.  Yes these are all thoughts that cross my mind each and every day.  Or maybe my kidneys will give out first.  Then I will have to wait for a liver and a kidney.

And whats worse is that I'm not going though this alone.  You would think not being alone would make it easier, but for me sometimes it makes it worse.  I'm scared enough going though this myself, I don't want my husband and especially my boys to see me go though any of this.  I don't want to miss school plays and activities because I am in the hospital.  I don't want my boys to see me hooked up to machines and tubes.  I don't want them to be any more afraid of me leaving them as they already are.  Or as I am of leaving them.

They have already been though and see enough and its only just begun.  My 6 year old can tell you stories about my liver and how I need a new one and my 2 year old has seen me throw up so many times that when he is sick he knows to run to the toilet and brace himself for it.  They know when the alarm on my phone goes of that its time for me to take my medicine and ask me multiple times a day if I am feeling OK.  They know just when I need a hug and are always ready with open arms.  I am constantly quizzing David to make sure he is up to date on my doses and medications.  And I tell the poor man any little thing that could be a "sign" just so he knows whats going on.  I know it worries him, but when I do get sick, he needs to know whats been going on so he can answer questions for me.  I hate putting them though all this.  And on most days the guilt just about eats me alive.

But there is nothing I can do but embrace what is laid down before me and be as prepared as we can be.  I know our family is going though a lot with my illness, but I believe we will all be stronger for it.  At times it seems like its to much for the boys.  Like maybe I have been to forward with them, they always find a way to calm my thoughts.  They are both happy and very adjusted boys.  They are loved beyond the moon.  It shows in the corners of their mouths when they smile, in the sweet breaths in between laughing fits and in you can see it  in their eyes.  When they hug they squeeze me tight and when they say I love you you can feel it in your heart.  Yes my family is on this road together.  Its going to be a rough ride, but we will be holding on tight to each other and together we will get though this!

Putting away the fear for a while.  Until it creeps back up on me.  There is so much I have to enjoy and live for right this moment.  I'm gonna give the boys bigger hugs and kisses tonight.  And spend as much time with David as I can when he gets home tonight.  I love that I can tell him my fears and he can always calm them.  Its a little less scary with you remember you aren't alone!

This post was written as part of NHBPM - 30 health posts 30 days:  

1 comment :

  1. Kim, you're so brave to share your feelings so openly here. And I also think you're courageous to explain to your children what is happening. They will always respect you for that.

    I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope we're able to meet one day soon in person!