September 23, 2011

Letting go of normal

Why am I so afraid of this?  Last night was day one of no night time nursing for Alex.  And after he was asleep, which took a whole 5 mins, I laid there watching him.  So many thoughts ran though my head.  I had planned on self weaning, but at 2 and a half he shows no signs on giving it up.  And before anyone throws in the whole OMG hes 2, get over it.  Our breast were made to nourish and comfort our babies!  But now that I say that, is it horrible of me to take away that comfort.  That is the only reason he nurses still.  He usually cant fall asleep without it.  I'm so torn here.  One part of me feels really guilty for taking away what he finds comfort it.  And I think about our time together, I will really miss that bond.  On the other side, Id love to be able to go to bed and not have a kid climb up my shirt in the middle of the night.  And part of me feels like hes ready to be independent.  And yes a tiny little part of me is tired of hearing all the remarks about how hes to old, or that's why hes so attached and so on.

I go back and I read this post about our journey and I wonder if I should really stop.  It was such a struggle just to get started.  Gave up halfway though, then rallied and have been nursing champs.  When I think of not nursing anymore I feel like I'm taking away the one thing I can give him right now. Comfort. I'm worried that I will get sicker and as he grows he will forget the time we spent together and will only see the sick me.  And that is something I will always worry about.  I still feel guilty letting my oldest see me sick.  But eventually there will come a time with there is no hiding it.  Maybe none of this is making sense.  Not a lot does these days. 

I know as I continue to get sicker, I will no longer be able to nurse.  I have tests that need to be done, but because of the amount of radiation, since I am breastfeeding, I am not willing to do.  I know that there will only be more medications to clear, and more procedures done and eventually more hospital time.  So do I stop now and prepare for that, or enjoy what time we have now?  I think what is holding me back the most is that in my crazy life, between the Drs and pills and needles and sickness, breastfeeding has always been the most normal and natural thing about my life for the last 2 years.  But I know it cant be forever. 

Since writing this, Alex woke up had cereal, watched a little Mickey Mouse and is now playing away.  When I changed his diaper I asked him if he wanted to nurse he said no.  I asked him if he was a big boy now and said with a smile.  "Yesh Mom!  Me big boy"  So I guess we will see how it goes.  Next stop big boy underwear!!  I know I have shared it before, but its moments like this that I will always remember.


Today is the first day of fall yall.  Have a wonderful Friday and a great weekend! 

1 comment :

  1. Kim, my daughter is 17 months old and we finally stopped nursing a few weeks ago. I used to be one of those "if they are old enough to ask for it, they are too old to nurse!" people, but that was before I was a nursing mom!
    I was really sad to stop too, but we have a lot of fun during the day and we are able to bond in lots of different ways... that and she was starting to nibble at me. Those reasons plus my working some nights was what got me to finally stop. She loved it, and I did too, but I didn't want her to think it was okay to bite me. After asking for it the first few days, she has been totally fine ever since, luckily.
    Basically, I think that it's a personal decision for you, and you have really valid reasons for wanting to continue nursing. I wonder if it may be easier for you in the long run to stop now, if he seems ready to stop. Maybe see how it goes over the next few days?
    Good luck Kimmy!