January 19, 2011

Crazy much?

Well the rest of the week is doctors for me. Tomorrow I see my hematologist.  Hopefully my blood is good.  It was nice having a week off of labs.  Friday is therapist day!  Whoohoo!  Next week the little one has his 2 year check up and then I have the dreaded Liver Clinic. I shouldn’t say dreaded, because I really love my Dr and the staff at the Clinic are freaking awesome. Do you feel a “but” coming on?!?

But…This whole waiting game is messing with my head. If I’m going to be sick, I want to be sick now. I want to be fighting to get better, I want to know that getting better is an option. Instead I am waiting to get sicker. Waiting for my body to quit fighting for me, and hoping when I do get sick its not so bad that I cant come back from this all. I completely suck at waiting. Or does waiting just suck this much? I try to keep busy, but nothing helps. Sometimes I feel so alone and other times I feel like everyone is judging me. I'm pretty sure I’m going crazy.

The weather has been horrible, the boys are sick and cabin fever is setting in again. I cant drive. I mean literally, I don’t know how. And even if I did know how, thanks to my good friend H.E. driving is on my big fat do no do list. I’m feeling more claustrophobic than ever. I want my own space. OCD is kicking in and I want things done my way. Not easy to do when you are living in someone else’s home. Speaking of OCD, I have become obsessed with hand sanitizer. Did you know they make lotion with sanitizer in it? Why am I just now finding this out? Oh yeah because I have sanitized my hands to the bone. OK maybe not the bone, but they look dead. Dry, white and flaky. Gross
It’s a good think I see my therapist this week eh? I have so many things going on. I’m trying so hard to keep my head above water. But sometimes, it feels like there’s just no hope. I really need to get my camera out more. I have the sudden urge to go run. I’m jumping out of my skin here. Ok now I sound really crazy. Just going to stop here!
Here’s to hoping they don’t send me to the Looney bin on Friday! Hope everyone is having a great week.


  1. Oh, trust me, I know about the whole fighting on versus letting your body get sicker just to get this over with nonsense.

    I can't let myself give up fighting, though, because it's a slippery slope. Once you make a conscious decision to get sicker, it's infinitely harder to get back in the fighting mindset, and I think that's why the mortality rate is so high on liver transplants.

    Also: you see a therapist a lot? I only saw mine once, during my evaluation. I'd love to vent to a professional, but is it part of your process, or separate?

  2. Slippery is right. I just want to be me again. But I dont want to be sick. Or for my family to see me sick.
    I have only seen the therapist once. And again tomorrow. I have been having anxiety and sleep issues. Its nice becaues he works with the transplant team, so he understands it all.

  3. Totally understand about not wanting the family to see you sick. I have the same issue.

    I don't have sleep issues, just long periods of not sleeping until I finally crash. I need to get over that.

    But I should ask about the therapist, since I do still have some personal issues I should talk to her about. Especially if they're covered by the share of cost.