November 22, 2010

Bedtime Blues

I hate having to work so hard to be positive. This past week I have caught up with so many old friends. I was telling them about a kid from high school who told me thY I was always so cheery and sweet to him. Turns out I wasn't S horrible back then as I thought I was. Apparently I'm just really good at hiding it from people. Thankfully my closest friends knew the screwed up me;)

So I'm laying in bed tonight and as hard as I get to think of something good that has come out of this all, and I can't. Yes I have been blessed and know I have so much to be thankful for. But trying to see the good in a failing liver and bad blood just isn't happening tonight! I hate when I struggle like this. I'm grateful everyone is sleeping so they don't have to see me like this! Sometimes at night the only that keeps the bad dreams away is listening to David heart beat. Like the other night I asked him to hold me so I didn't have to think of fire. Everytime I coded my eyes I thought of burning buildings. Some nights its snakes or sometimes sharks. But the worst is the the dark and silence where I feel so afraid but have no idea why. When I'm running but can't see what's chasing me. When I'm searching but don't know what I'm looking for. That's the worst part of the night.

Most nights I'm so completely exhausted physically and mentally that I can barely stay awake. But once I close my eyes, and see what I see, I can't keep them shut! Like tonight I was ready for bed since I got up at 4am. But here it is 1:30 and I'm typing away. On my phone of course because the Little one is wide awake and wanting to cuddle. And now my eyes are getting droopy, so I quit for tonight. Hope it makes sence. I know I'm all over the place these days. I would wait till tomorrow to post this, but figured, what the hell. Atleast I'll have something funny to ready in the morning. Peace:)
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