April 29, 2010

Coping or denial?

The other day my Mother said if she were in my shoes she would be fresh out of tears. That she would be crying every day all day. Unlike me who has cried a few times, but nothing major. She asked me if I understood what was going on. Or if I was in denial! I wasn’t quite sure how to take that. But answered. Of course I know this is real. I’m living with it every day. But it made me wonder if I have messed up coping skills.

When I had my Psych evaluation for transplant. She too asked me how I felt about my "situation". Well honestly, if it had to happen to someone, I would rather it be me than anyone else. I mean what if it was one of my brothers and sisters. Or one of my boys, or any child for that matter. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. So I take what life gives me and I deal with it. I’m aware of what I have and what I am facing in life. But If I cry about it and wallow in it, I wont get anywhere. Not saying that its the wrong way to deal, its just not how I deal. I move forward the best I can. I talk it out. Mostly to my husband. Or I write it out here for the whole world to see. How’s that for coping?

I mean really? How are you supposed to cope with something like this? When I was 18 weeks pregnant, I was told I have a rare and sometimes fatal liver disease. I was told that I might have to deliver my baby as early as 28 weeks. That my body might do into shock and I could get deathly sick after delivery. Then I was told I also had a rare blood disorder that would cause blood to clot and that too could kill me if not treated. I gave my self injections twice a day and overcame my fear of needles very quickly. I was told I was possibly going to need a shunt put in and eventually a liver transplant. After delivery it was test after test after test. And every morning I wake up wondering if today is going to be the day that I crash. But if I let that keep me down, I will crash. And I have so much to live for to give up now.

How do the rest of you cope? How would you or have you coped with your chronic illness or that of family members?

1 comment :

  1. my mom said the same thing... and I answered the exact same way. It's not denial, I think it's more of a realization of how precious life is, that it comes to an end for everyone... and everyday we wake up without crashing is a great day! We do our best, take our meds, keep to our diets, go to the doctors when we are told... and the rest is in God's hands...
    I like you. hehehe we've got some stuff in common. and GREAT writing.