March 5, 2010

Parenting and BCS

Parenting and dealing with a Chronic Illness. This has by far been the hardest adjustment for me. Parenting is a hard enough job on its own. Here is a tiny little life that you are to nurture and protect. They depend on you to feed, clothe, bathe and love them. You teach them how to walk and talk. You spend all your energy on them. But what do you do when the energy is gone.

Things are so different this time around and I feel so guilty for not having the energy to do all the things with the baby that I was able to do with his big brother. Some days I hurt to much to pick him up and carry him like he wants me to and it breaks my heart. I used to take my oldest of walks every day or to the park. And now some days, I don't even have the energy to go down the stairs. I have a chronic condition and my family is paying for it. I hate to admit it. But Im finding ways and making sacrifices so it doesn't have to be that way! I am determined not to let my problems affect their childhood.

One of the easiest (and the hardest) thing this time around is that I am breastfeeding. So why easy and why hard? Its so much easier in the sense that when the baby is hungry, all I have to do is pop him on. There is no need digging though bottles and scooping formula. Not to mention all the one on one time we get. The reason why I say this is hardest is because, there is a lot of worry over taking medications and nursing. When I have a surgery, I have to pump enough milk to last while the meds work their way of my system. And hearing your baby cry for you because he hates the bottle, is the saddest thing in the world. Every time you are given a new medication you have to make sure it is safe for nursing also.

I feel like my 4 year old gets left out a lot. He often reminds me of things we used to do and ask now why we cant. Here comes the hard part. Do I push myself to do these things again? Or explain that I can no longer do these things and find something I can do? I tried explaining to him that I cant always do what he wants to. Thankfully for the most part he is very understanding. But I remember one day, I was stuck in bed and was feeding the baby when he came in to ask if we could go to the pool. I told him I wasn't feeling good and tried to convince he it would be better to go the next day. He looked at me with his puppy dog eyes and said " All you do is lay in bed with the baby, why wont you just play with me too" That was the day I promised to push myself, no matter how hard it was. I can not have my kids doubting my love for them. And I know he knows I love him. But I want him to feel and remember it too.

I am a stay at home mom. And by stay at home, I mean STAY at home. I am not allowed to drive per Doctors orders. I cant just get up and go to the park or the zoo when I want to. So we have decided that we have to make the most of our weekends and spend most of the week doing things that are less strenuous for me. I will be the first to admit that my 4year old probably watches way to much TV. But its not just cartoons. When I feel up to it we do yoga together. He can tell all about many different animals because 50% of the time we are watching Animal Planet. And he might be one of the few kids who can sit and be excited to watch the food network. We do a ton of crafts as well. My husband has always said that I should be Kindergarten teacher. But the one thing I always wanted to be when I grew up was a mom. And now I just trying to find a balance between that dream and all these curve balls life keeps throwing my way!

1 comment :

  1. What a heartwrenching story, I can only imagine all the ups and downs you must be going through. Your oldest son is my son's age, I read you are unable to drive. We should figure out a way, to do something together. I could pick you & the kids up on my way to the zoo or what not. I have a 3 & a 4 year old so I am always looking for ways to keep them busy, occupied and happy. One more child will only triple the fun :0)