March 24, 2009

Feeling Funky

And its not a good thing.
I don't know what it is, but the past couple of days have been rough. There is so much going on that I think I just got stuck in a funk and I'm stuck.
There are a million things I want to complain about. Things that frustrate me, times my feelings have been hurt, tempers and tension around the house. I just want to curl up in a ball and ride out the storm.
David used to joke about PPD and I know that is not the case here. If it was, trust me, Id take the drugs. But I think I reached the point in all this where things are calm, and the craziness of the last 11 months is finally catching up to me. Seriously life was a roller coaster and I was strapped in and couldn't get off. And now that things are getting in order and the ride is smooth, I don't know what I'm doing.
There are a million what ifs in my life right now and I HATE what ifs! I like to know the plan. I need to know whats going on and when. But now I'm in this waiting game. Its scary.

When things were up in the air, everyone asked me how I was feeling and dealing with it all. My reply was always that I was fine. I was seeing a doctor 2,4 and sometimes 5 days a week. If something changed they would catch it and that right there made me feel so safe. Now, things are "stable" as the Drs call it. My liver is still functioning fairly well and all my test have come back great. So my weekly appointments are now monthly and in between them I'm so worried that something is going to go wrong. And I think that in turn causes all these feelings to be brought up inside of me. I just want to be OK again.

And of course all these thoughts of what ifs and knowing what could have or still could happen, arent the kinds of thoughts that make you beam with excitement. Instead I feel.....sad and guilty. Sad because I have yet to find a case similar to mine with a positive outcome. Guilty because I feel like I am dragging my family down with me.

My husband is working 60+ hours a week to be able to pay off my bills, which keep coming in. Patience, gone. My dreams of our own place are gone. My family is so far away and divided at times. I'm tired and weak and scared that every headache or stomach cramp is the one that is going to let the craziness out again.

But then I see all the things I have to be thankful for. I have been blessed. I have a wonderful committed husband, who while he looks rough on the outside, makes me feel so safe and loved. He knows just what to say and when not to say anything at all. And then I have the two most beautiful boys. Anthony knows exactly what buttons to push, but on the other hand, he is the sweetest little man ever. He is caring and gentle...when he wants to be. And the fact that every morning the first thing he asks is where Alex is, just melts my heart. And then there is Alexander. My little man. I could watch him sleep for hours. I love the way he cuddles with me while he nurses. And the way his eyes get all scrunched when he smiles his big beautiful smile. I am surrounded by wonderful men. All whom I love with every fiber of my being. All who I know will keep me strong when I am weak. And all who I will always be here for. I cannot stumble now. I cannot fall. There is so much left to do still and I will not stop until its done.

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