October 30, 2008

Now Im scared

This morning I get a call from Dr. H.
He quickly notes how out of breath I am and asks me what I am doing. My reply.."I was laying down and only got out of bed" I then tried to catch my breath, but I was already busted. He asked how I was feeling and I told him that I started having pains in my upper abdomen and my sides. Before it was just uncomfortable.

He said he had spoken to both the other Drs and told them that he felt a shunt(TIPS)should be placed in my liver to relieve the blood build up, but they both said it was to risky. They he asked me if I would be willing to go to Houston or Dallas if he could find some one to do it. As long as its safe for the baby I agreed and he said he would call me back.

An hour later, he calls back to tell me that he is getting frustrated becuase evryone is fighting him on this because I am pregnant. He is adamant that it needs to be done soon, but because it is done though Xray and I am pregnant no one will bite. He ask how far along I am. 27 weeks now and he starts to tell me that babies born now can survive and he would like to have an amnio done to see if the babies lungs are developed enough. He says he will talk to the specialist about it. But tells me that even a few more weeks will hurt and he doesnt want to wait. He also told me that he has talked with someone at the Transplant Center already. And he will set up a meeting for me to meet with someone there.

So now Im scared. I have heard of babies being born at 28 weeks. Yes I know there is a million new ways to keep them safe now, but I feel like I have failed him. I want to keep him inside me, safe and sound, for as long as he needs to be. David sided with the Dr and reminded me that my life is most important and that if the Drs say deliver now, that he agrees. I see where he is coming from, but it doesnt make me feel any better. I dont want to risk it.

What if we deliver him early, my tubes are tied and he doesnt make it? Im just getting used to the fact that he will be our last, I want him to have the healthiest start he can get. And that means keeping him inside of me, where he is doing perfectly fine. I could understand if he was not OK, but he is perfect. Growing and kicking so strong. And I can take the pain if it means him surviving. But I get the feeling that Im on this side alone. And I know I have to do what the Drs decide. Everyone thinks Im crazy, but I cant help how I feel. Hopefully tomorrow Dr. A has good news.

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