I always try to stay positive. Most days I don't realize how limited I am. This is my life, I'm used to it. But after writing down things like "I don't ever leave the house alone." and "I don't usually cook unless someone else is home to make sure I turn the stove off or to help in case I cut myself and can't atop the bleeding." for a disability review has my stomach in knots. Having to take a good hard look at your life and realizing just how different my life is was like a kick in the gut. David tried to comfort me and remind me that none of this is my fault. But I think it's something you just don't get until you it happens to you. And I don't wish this feeling on anyone!
It takes every ounce of energy to focus on what I'm doing and not get distracted. And without my medication it's almost impossible. Medication that clears my brain but destroys my body. Medication that cost more than I spend on groceries.
Last night was all wrong. I put the boys to bed with any last bit of clarity I had. I told them I was going to run the vacuum real quick. I plugged it in the dining room and grabbed the dishes off the table and took them to the sink. I remembered Walter needed his pain meds so I got mine out too. Rolled his in cheese and he gobbled them up. Went to the bathroom and remembered I had towels in the dryer so I sat on the couch and watched tv while I folded them. I dozed off. Woke up. Put the towels away. Laid in bed and then realized I forgot to take my medication. So I got up to take them. turned off the lights. Text David, checked fb and instagram went to bed. Only to jump up a second later to unplug the vacuum that I never ran. I laid down and read for a minute before falling asleep for the night. Didn't hear David come home or get in bed. Out like a light! The three hours I spent chasing my tail had worn me out. Some weeks I can't sleep and others I can't stay awake.
Alex doesn't know the old me. Anthony doesn't remember much. We used to spend afternoons at the park and run around for hours. I was patient and more present. And I never second guessed myself being home alone with him all day. I baked and cooked without a worry. I am beyond blessed with boys who can be independent when they need to be and are learning to help out more. I know it's a lot to ask of them. And I hate that I put that burden on them. But I think at the same time it teaches them responsibility and respect. They are learning how to pick up after themselves and clean properly. And even how to cook. All life lessons that seem lost on so many young adults these days. They are learning that life isn't handed to you on a silver platter. And that if you want something you really have to work for it.
Even writing has become hard. I keep getting off track and starting new paragraphs. My spelling gets so mixed up and I don't even know what I was trying to say. Anthony just came over to let me know that he warmed himself up dinner and that he put away the water I forgot on the counter last night. And that he will feed the dogs. I'm sitting here hoping to finish this so I can share it before I get side tracked and it stays here like the other half written posts on my phone. ** I didn't post right away. But I did get two loads of laundry and my bedroom cleaned before coming back now** I've been trying to finish an instagram post for the last 9 hrs too. Done. Finally!
Going out during the week with out David or my mother inlaw is rare. Last week a friend picked me up and we went shopping. I felt normal. Thursday we are going to get our hair cut and to lunch on friday. Moms do these things. It blows me away that some moms can just decide to go shopping and go. I can't drive. So I can't go anywhere with out planning ahead and asking someone to drive me. Having friends who are willing to drag me out and along with them makes me feel so regular. Its like being able to pretend that everything is ok. Some people look at the rich and the famous and wish it were them. I look at the overwhelmed multi tasking soccer moms in movies and that's who I want to be. I want to drive though a Starbucks on my way to the boys soccer practice. I want to go to the gym. Or have spur of the moment lunches with my girls. To be able to go to the store when I forgot an ingredient for dinner instead of having to ask my neighbors...again. I want to be able to say I'm going to do something with out myself or someone else doubting me.
But this is my normal. This is my life. The days I spend feeling sorry for myself are thankfully few and far between. I just hope that someday I will get to do these things. This is just the present and there is no telling what the future holds for me. I just hope it includes a driver licence, Starbucks and a trip alone to the library!