July 10, 2014

Am I asking for to much?

When you wake up every day in pain you eventually stop realizing how bad the pain is.  When you get sick every time you eat, you still eat for nutrition but the sickness just becomes a part of normal.  And sometimes you have a good few weeks and feel like you can do anything.  Until life knocks you on your butt.

I don't get out much.  I stay close to home where I can just be me. If I'm tired I can rest, if I feel sick and can go to the bathroom, if I'm dehydrated I can drink my water and if I feel like it I can just stay in my pajamas all day.  But a girl can go crazy just staying at home all day.  Trust me.  When I'm feeling really adventurous I will go to the pool with the boys. It's not very often that I am alone. Even when I go for a run at night, I take the dog. What I'm trying to say is that while it's not the norm to the rest of the world, it is to me.  Most days I'm not even thinking about why I take the pills, the alarm goes off and I take what it's says.   It's just my life. 

Tonight I was invited to a friends house and even though I was having a little bit more discomfort than most days I figured I'd be able to manage a few hours out. After all she is just a few blocks away. And right at the end of her party, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  My face felt like it was redder than a fire truck and I every time the pain hit I could feel the sour taste in my mouth.  Can you believe it. What's a girl got to do to get out and enjoy herself. Instead I had to ask my friend, who I could not live without, to take me home.

People often ask me if I am angry that this is happening to me. They tell me that there are people out there who get transplants and still do the things that hurt them in the first place.  My answer is always the same.  No! God forbid it would have been one of my brothers or sisters. Or worse, one of my boys. 

But the truth is, on days like today, I do get mad.  I curse the world for not giving me just a few hours of normalcy.  I am embarrassed to leave so early and abruptly. I hate that I had to ask my friend to leave and take me home because maybe she wanted to stay. She would never admit it, but I would never blame her.  I fed her dinner to try and make up for it a little.

This is why I always do whatever I can to help.  When a friend needs something, I will always help.  If I can I will.  And it's never a burden to me.  I listen and never complain.  That's what friends d's do right. Plus, I know that the day will come when I need help.  When I won't be able to do things for myself and I'd like to think that my kindness will be repaid.  I pray that I will have a solid group of friends, near and far, who will be here for me when it's my turn to ask for help.  I have faith they will anyways. 

So here I am. Laying in bed, writing out the thoughts in my head and hoping it all makes sence.  I'm angry that I can't just be a normal person. I'm sad that this is so normal for me that I forget my limits.  I'm embarrassed that I have to rely on so many other people.   But what good does being angry and sad do for me now? X This is my reality. This is my life.

What more can do but process it all and forgive myself, be a better friend, apologize and show my appreciation to those who hold me up and are always there for me!  I would not be here if not for them.  I'm always reminded that God gives us what he knows we can handle. I hope he knows what he's doing. I'm joking. I know he does and I know I can do this.  I will. But sometimes I just need to let it all out. There! Done.  Tomorrow is a new day!

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