November 26, 2012

Clouded

Day 26: Make a chart / meme / poster and write about it


After my father passed, we were going though his old papers and I found this.  When I saw the prompt this is the first thing that came to mind.  So while I didn't make it myself, these are some of the things that Dad and I talked about quite often.   

When you are told you have a potentially fatal illness, the emotions that cloud your head can be so confusing.  And for him, writing this out helped him pinpoint his emotions.  Which was a big thing, because he was a man of little emotion.  

If you ever asked him how he was feeling, his first answer was always "Oh I'm good"  Or "A little tired, but I'm OK"  But as our talks went on he would let his guard down.  A lot of the time I would have to share first.    He was always so optimistic for me.  When I would tell him I was hurting he would say the pain was a reminder that I was still alive.  He would tell me that it was OK to be angry and afraid.  We talked about denial and once he admitted to me that he was living in denial and he apologized for it.  

I think about his last couple of months and I think that I saw everyone of these feelings in him.  It breaks my heart that he ever felt them.  He dealt with his cancer mostly alone because he didn't want to let anyone in.  Even when he was surrounded by so much love sometimes he felt so alone.  

I'm not quite sure why this drawing came to me when the prompt came up.  Or if it really fits, but its what I was thinking about today.  Coffee stains and folds.  He wrote this out when he was in Hawaii getting his first treatments.  Its a glimpse into his head.  For some reason I am so attached to it.  They say that it gets easier  but every day I miss him more.  

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