March 23, 2012

Overwhelmed

Be warned, the emotions are way out of control.  I have managed, to be angry, cry, laugh till I almost peed myself and worry all before noon.  I guess I get 6 whole hours of sleep and my world starts spinning in overdrive.  But its Friday and I am hoping this weekend will calm this storm inside me.

For starters, we are sending out the second batch of {Hope for Kim} bracelets.  And pictures are popping up all over FB of people rocking their shirts and bands and other goodies.  Its amazing the support I have.  I am so greatly blessed and want to thank you all for always being a constant provider of strength and hope to me.  When I say I could not have come this far with out you all, I say it from the bottom of my heart.

I've written a few letters this week that were hard to write.  And while I hope they help I am always worried that I will overstep or hurt someones feelings when I am just trying to let them know how I feel.  One of the letters was to myself.  And I even managed to hurt my own feelings.  So I'm hoping that I didn't offend anyone else.

I think a lot of it has to do with the changes that are going on here.  The boys are growing up so fast.  They used to be just little babies who were so dependent on me.  And now I depend on them.  They keep me going.  The other day, Anthony could tell that I wasn't feeling good and offered his hand to me so he could help me get home.  Most days he is a typical frustrating 6 year old, but moments like these remind me that he too has a lot on his plate and I realize that my health is a factor for a lot of his actions.  The other night I carried Alexander to bed and couldn't help but cry. Hes so big.  It seems like just yesterday I was pregnant and unknowing of the journey that lied before us.  My saving grace.  If left untreated most people with Budd Chiari Syndrome will die within 3 years.  Alexander turned 3 in January and I would not have known I was even sick if it weren't for him.  After years of trying and fertility treatments, we had given up hope.  When I say hes my saving grace, I mean it.

Cancer is running rampant.  Not only in my family but my friends as well.  My sister in law is fighting Crohns Disease and along my journey I have met many friends who are also struggling with other various illnesses as well.  The world is full of horrible and sad things.  And today they all just seem to be to much for my heart to carry.

Its not all bad.  I can't forget about the good.  My little brother is having a baby.  And while it seems almost impossible...Its a girl.  Tears are going to fall today.  Some happy, some sad.  And hopefully I will be back to my stable self.  Because I'm not the emotional type.  Maybe on paper but not so much in real life.  Breath with me now...

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