March 8, 2012

Mom Fail: Letting it out!

Most days I feel like I am doing this parenting thing pretty well.  My boys are healthy and smart.  They are kind and considerate.  They have infectious laughs and their smiles melt my heart.  But I guess you can't win every day.  Today I failed.

On the walk home from the bus stop, he jumped in to the road.  I told him that he knew better and than he would lose his computer privileges if he did it again.  But before I could explain he was back on the street.  We have a well knows rule that feet are to never leave the sidewalk unless you have an adult with you or mom or dads permission.  This was followed by a mini fit.  I continued walking and waited for him to finally decide to move.  It was just a few houses down.  He came up with eyes full of tears and so I explained again that kids are not to go in to the street.  And that its for his safety.  Of course I got sass back so I sent him to his room to chill out.  Because talking back is also unacceptable.

As I was changing a letter was slipped under my door...

You make me feel like I am not in this famaly.
You made me feel I like I am so dome :( alone!
You made me feel like I am so mean.  You are to me:(

See.  Failure. I know in my heart that it was not as horrible as he made it out to be.  He broke a rule more than once and he knew his consequence.  For the most part, No means No and I can stick my ground, but this letter  just about brought me to my knees.  Breaks my heart that he said I made him feel dumb.  That word isn't even in our vocabulary!  So he crossed it out and used a different word. 

I had planned on talking to him before bed. But he fell asleep on me.  So we will do it in the morning.  One thing we have always talked about was that good our bad, we all have emotions.  Sometimes we feel sad, happy, angry or afraid. But we always love.  And that he can always talk to me about them.  But to have him write this out to me...I don't know how to describe them pain it brought me.  

Ever since I was a little girl, writing is how I got my emotions out.  Dad could tell you stories about the letters I wrote him.  Sorry Dad!!  But I was had enough conflict in my life so to avoid adding more, I left notes.  Always writing.  And it looks like I have passed it down.  I know exactly how hes feeling and it breaks my heart.  I don't ever want him to feel like that.  EVER.

What did I do wrong?  What did I do right?  Do I encourage him to keep writing his feelings if it is easier on him?  Or tell him next time to talk to me face to face?  I feel like I broke him.  I'm sure there will be worse down the road.  But that the same time, I am happy he is able to express himself.  No yelling or back talk, but it a letter.  Is that wrong?  I've got a sassy 6 year old and a tyrant 3 year old.  Everyone keeps saying it only gets better, but I'm pretty sure there is sarcasm in there.  

Maybe this is all a bit to personal.  But like I said.  I have to write these things out.  Usually I eventually answer my own questions, but I'm lost here.  

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