November 3, 2011

A letter to the 18 year old me

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Dear Kim,

Look how far you have come.  It was close, but you made it.  Now its time to leave behind all that you have ever known and find your way in the big bad world.  I promise you its not as scary as it seems.  You are going to go though more heart ache and pain than you can have ever  imagined, so live now!

Right now I know David is your everything.  Make sure he knows that and appreciate him.  Make him feel as loved as he makes you.  Always be there for him, but give him space too!  Word to the wise, when he is sick, just leave him alone.  He is going to be the rock that keeps you settled when your whole world gets turned upside down. Hang on tight.

One thing you will have the hardest time with is forgiving mom and dad.  They are who they are.  They are who they choose to be and that decision has nothing to do with you. It is not your job to fix them.  So learn to love them just the way they are.  Forgive them when they say things that you know they don't really mean.  Talk to them every chance you get but know when to cut the conversation short.  They love you and you love them.  Forgive them for the mistakes they made when you were younger.  The sooner you can do this the sooner you will realize just how much you really enjoy their company and love.

Another thing you are going to want to get over is the guilt you feel for leaving the younger 2 at home.  You did not leave them behind.  They are not your children and even though you will stay up many of nights worried sick about them, you have to accept that you did all you could do while you were there.  You could not stay any longer.  And you had no means of bringing them with you.  You have done all that you were able to and one day they will thank you for it.  Even if they make you feel horrible about it first.  That's what little brothers and sisters are good for.  Be there for them always.

Speaking of children, never forget the baby you lost.  And to be completely honest with you, you will lose another.  Your heart will shatter in to a million pieces.  You will blame yourself, you will blame David, you will blame anyone you can.  Its no ones fault.  Be patient.  One day you will be surprised by a positive test.  You only need one.  Maybe 2. Not 15. Enjoy being pregnant.  Love your body as it grows your son.  Use lots and lots of cocoa butter. And rest.  Pack your bags early though.  Because this kid is going to surprise you.  After he is born you will feel a love you never knew existed. You are a going to be a great mother.  You will love everything about your life as a mom that you will be anxious for another.  Again be patient.  All good things come with time.  Before you know it and when you least expect it, you will just know it.  Baby # 2 is going to be your saving grace.  Give him a strong name that he can live up to.  He won't let you down!

From here the road is going to get bumpy.  There will be doctors and surgeries.  Medication and tests.  I cant even get into detail, because something will always change.  Things will never be the same, but with time and love, you will make it though.  Remember to have fun with life. Even when it feels like you just want to let go.  Don't be so serious. Laugh with the boys more than you scold them.  Love David like every day with him could be your last.  Have emotions.  Let them out.  Cry, it will always make you feel better.  Have hope.  Never lose it.

There is so much more I would love to tell you, but there is so much you need to see and learn for yourself.  Believe in yourself.  You got this!


This post was written as part of NHBPM - 30 health posts 30 days:  http://bit.ly/vU0g9J    



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