Am I scared?

Someone asked me this the other day. Actually many people have asked me this. And with a smile I tell them what good is being scared going to do for me.

What do I have to be scared of? My failing liver? Dying and leaving my family with out a wife and mother. Of the pain I am in now, that is only going to get worse.

I am scared out of my mind. There are days I just want to run away from it all. But when I sit down and think about all I would be leaving behind, I know I have no other choice. I cannot and will not go anywhere. Who would color the eggs with the boys at Easter? Who would make the cute little hand print turkeys for Thanksgiving? And who would bake cookies and peppermint bark for Christmas? I am sure that someone would fill in, but that someone would not be me. And that's not good enough for me.

To not ever see Alex's sweet morning smile or to never hear another knock knock joke from Anthony, even if it is the same one over and over. I cant accept that. I have worked to hard to get to where I am and to have what we have. It might not be perfect or much, but its what we have. I wouldn't trade it for anything and I refuse to give up on in.

So yes I am scared, I am beyond terrified. But this is the life that was given to me and all I can do now is live it to its fullest.

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The waiting game

It seems I am always waiting for something. Right now I am waiting for Thursday to roll around. I have a Mri scheduled. And ofcourse waiting for the results is never fun. I doubt I will get thoes until the 1st when I go back to see my Transplant Dr.

I see my hematologist in 2 weeks again. My labs have all been good. That I know of anyways. No brusing or any other issues, so Im hoping things are right where they need to be.

Last night I was sure my liver was in labor! Moms know that pain. The way your uterus would ball up and hurt like hell. Imagine that pain, just higher up. It would take my breath away. But after awhile the pain was ignorable, and I got some sleep. Being unable to go up and down the stairs without feeling passing out would be wonderful. Im just so uncomfortable. But I just keep telling myself it could be worse. I could be sick in the hospital, half dead and waiting on a liver. But instead I am just trying to be as healthy as I can. As as much as I am thankful for my health, the only way to really get better is to get sicker and thats what Drs say we are waiting for....its a cruel world!

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