January 7, 2020

My One Word 2020

Last year I chose Grow as my word to guide me though the year.  I think that I did that.  Maybe not in all the ways I wanted to but where I did grow, I grew big!  I feel like I did a lot of growing up and I learned so much about life.  About myself.  And I am going into this year with a better understanding of what I need to do to live my best life.

I started thinking about this years word in November.  At the time I was stressed to the max.  So much that I had to call the cardiologist because I was having chest pain.  Its been a long time since my anxiety has been that bad and I didn't even recognize my reflection in the mirror.  And then one day I was done.  I was done letting people walk all over me.  I was done dropping my life to fix everyone else's.  I was done hurting an acting like I was fine.  I was done taking care of everyone else but myself.  And just like that I figured out what my word for 2020 would be.

I say "I'm sorry" at least a dozen times a day for crap that I have reason to be sorry for.  It's a habit I have had since I was little and I'm pretty sure its a product of my childhood and growing up in a broken environment.  I became a people pleaser, almost as a survival mechanism.  It was easier to keep the peace if I just said sorry and did what I was asked to do.  It was easy to offer help than it was to ask for it.  Don't bug people but make their lives easier.  Don't want things but offer anything you have to everyone else.  Don't complain but always be a shoulder to cry on.  All. My. Life.  Well most of it.

When David and I started dating, he was constantly telling me not to be sorry and to stop saying thank you for everything.  Now 21 years later, I finally hear him.  Poor man, I know he feel like I don't listen to anything he says, but he keeps telling me.  Well, I get it now babe.  I guess even I have a breaking point.  Someone remind me to thank my husband for not getting tired of my stubborn self.

So this year, I want to start breaking down those walls.  I want to be able to say no and not feel bad about it.  I want to be able to say not now and put my family first.  I want to say what I want to say and voice my opinions and not feel the need to apologize for having them.  I want to to do things for myself and not feel guilty for making myself a priority.

It's not going to be easy, I am 100% sure of that.  But I know it's something I need to do.  Last year I had swallowed so much stress and drama (90% of it wasn't even my own) and it about broke me.  The last few months I have been bitter and resentful and that is not me.  I haven't been that angry in forever and I just kept pushing it down.  Until my heart rate was literally off the charts and I was having chest pain. I let other peoples problems practically work me into having another heart attack.  And for what?  They didn't even take a minute to see how they were hurting me! I'm not saying I will not say I'm sorry or apologize when I am in the wrong.  I take actually take apologies very seriously, but It was getting to the point where I was saying sorry and I shouldn't have.

Part of me already wants to say sorry.  Sorry for the calls that I won't always answer.  The texts that will go unanswered for days.  The gatherings I will not go to.  The times I won't be able to help.  The plans I won't change for anyone else.   But I won't.  I won't apologize for not feeling well enough.  I won't apologize for my feelings and being an emotional wreck at times.  I will say that this!  It doesn't mean I am checking out.  I will still continue be a shoulder to cry on, and ear to listen, and will still help when I can.  But I won't feel sorry for not being able to sometimes.  I wont feel guilty for not being able to fix problems I really have not business trying to fix.  I need to learn how to take a minute or a day for myself and not apologize for it.  Saying that makes me want to vomit.  Yes, it's that bad.  But my health took a big hit last year.  My family did too.  But I just kept going, with a smile and bile in my throat because I was so afraid to admit I was drowning!  I just can't anymore.


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