March 19, 2015

What worries a 9 year old?

My oldest is nine.  Nine is hard.  Someone tell me that 10 is easier!  This really has been such a trying year for us.  Hes wanting more space, wanting more things, wanting more one on one time. Always wanting.  And not so much in a selfish entitled way.  But he wants to do so much with his life but he wants to do it all now.  I don't even know if that makes sense.

Anthony has always been sensitive.  He takes everything to heart and is extremely hard on himself. When he started school I was no nervous for him.  Because he had always been so shy.  But he went in on the first day of Kinder and never looked back.  He blew me away.  He loved school and learning.  He made friends so easily. Friends from all grades.  And the teachers all love him.  But at home, he is the complete opposite.  His Kindergarten teacher told me that she had a brother like that.  That held himself together all day only to come unglued at home.  It was where he could let go.  But the older he gets the more I feel like its something more.  A few days ago he told me that the reason he liked going to his friends house is because being home makes him frustrated and angry.  My heart broke into a million pieces.  Did I do this?

Yesterday we sat down and talked about things that would help and things that make him happy. He told me he loved going to the rescue events with me.  He lit up actually.  He told me he wanted to go places with just Daddy. He craves time with David but because of his work schedule, the boys hadn't seen him since Sunday night, until he got to take them to school this morning.  And he said he wants to spend more time with his friends.  This is what hurts.  Part of the reason, ok most of the reason behind why we don't get out much is because I cant drive. Luckily some of his friends parents are great about picking him up and never making me feel bad about it.  

Tonight before bed he mentioned that he had so much on his mind that he wasn't sure he could sleep. I suggested he write them all down and then I would come in and we could take a look at it when I tucked him in. While I was reading to the little one, he let me know he was done and would be in he room.  When I got there, he was already sleeping and the list was on his desk.  Ever wonder what a 9 year old boy is thinking about?

  1. Walter (our foster dog that passed away)
  2. Grandpa Jim (my dad who passed away, yesterday was his birthday)
  3. STARR tests
  4. Dizziness
  5. Headaches
  6. Uncle Juan (Davids brother who passed away in 1999)
  7. Harlingen
  8. Uncle Danny, Rigo, John and Rigo (his cousins in Harlingen)
  9. My health
  10. What I eat
  11. Will I be tall
  12. Will people make fun of me in middle and high school
  13. My entire family.  Schillings, Mathiesons, Munozes and Rosales
  14. Will mommy get a good liver
  15. Will me and Alex get a good education
My heart is heavy for him.  At first I was a little worried that so many morbid things are on his list, but last weekend his grandparents took them to light candles at the church and the questions have been non stop since the. My childhood was hard and I wanted the exact opposite for my children. He seems to be trying to carry the world on his shoulders.  I feel like after a few good talks we understand each other a little more.  Writing always helped for me so I am praying it helps him to. The thought of him having all this floating around in his head breaks me.

I am going to talk to the school counselor as well as their pediatrician and go from there.  Its like hes 9 going on 30.  I just want him to be 3 again.  Compared to this the 3s were breezy!! 

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