May 6, 2014

Dear What doesn't kill me.

Everyone has heard it or said it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But is sure does wear you down. And sometimes I am so busy taking care of everyone else I forget to get it all off my chest. I'm not complaining.  Being able to be there for friends and family when they need it is something I will always do. I've always been that person. But like I told David, I wish I had a clone of myself, so I could confide in myself.  Then I remembered that's what this blog is for.  So...

I'm good at putting on my smile and swallowing my anger and fears. But sometimes I just want to explode.  A want to throw a fit and cry. These are the days I run so hard I can't walk the next day.  Where I worry so much I forget to eat.  Where I keep my nose in a book just begging to escape it all.  When I color and draw page after page with the boys.  I know it could be worse but I want to pout anyways. 

The other week I went in to the dentist only to find out that I'm losing bone in my jaw and will have to have bone grafts to save some of my teeth.  The next day I found another lump in my breast that I am sure is just another fibroadenoma like the last one. I also got a letter saying my lady doctor was no longer in network so I would have to find a new one. Crap.

Then my hematologist calls to remind me I need to do my labs.   I let her know that I have been feeling sick so I will do them next week.  The next day the transplant clinic calls to remind me they need labs too. Then they call me back and remind me to schedule a Endoscopy.   I call the scheduler and she tells me I am also due for a ultrasound and doppler. Good grief.  At that point I was reminding myself to take deep breaths.

The next day I got a letter stating that my Dr is back in network so I call to set up an appointment to have my Mirena removed and replaced and was reminded that my other doctors suggested I just have my tubes tied. And there is one more decision I have just sitting on my shoulders. Then I realize...

That is 3 procedures I will have to go off my coumadin for.  And will have to bridge with the lovenox injections a week before each one.   There is no way I could have all 3 done at once so what the heck. I was just so excited to be done with those dreadful needles.  And suddenly I feel like crying all over again.

Poor David has been such a champ through all this.  My rock as always. This morning I said I just wish i had someone who understood what I was going through so I could talk to them.  I think I hurt his feelings. Even if he pretends not to have any! I hate unloading my problems onto him because I know the last thing he needs is another thing to worry about.  It's easy to feel alone in such a big world.  

In the end, I come full circle and am able to remind myself that even though it sucks, like really sucks, it could be worse.  Actually, eventually it will be worse.  I try not to ever ask "why me" because I would rather it be me than on of the boys or other family, but ever now and then I do.  Why.  Because I am strong enough to take it.  Even if I have to whine like a child every now and again.  

Tomorrow is a new day!

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