June 12, 2012

Is this it?

I stood up feeling rather different.  As I do every morning, I walked in to the bathroom and weighed myself.  And before you say anything, its not about losing weight for diet purposes.  My Dr has asked that I keep tabs on my weight regarding my liver disease.  He said if I gain weight to fast, the cause is most likely going to be ascites, fluid in the belly.  So every morning and night, I weigh myself.  Its not the funnest thing in the world.  And it would be nice to see a lower number, even after months of exercise and watching what I eat, I kept gaining and gaining.  

Saturday morning, I weighed myself, no change.  Sunday I walked past the scale a million times with out stepping on.  Then Monday morning it was back the the routine.  Except this time it was 4 lbs lighter.  Confused, I double triple checked each time coming back the same.  I didn't track my food intake last week, but I know I should have probably gained 4 lbs not lost.  Shoot me, I had take out!  

Yesterday as well as much of last week I was in bed.  I'm so tired.  So weak.  I kid you not I almost wet myself trying to get into the bathroom because my hands just could not open the door.  There are days when I can barely open my bottled water.  All week, no exercise and lots of eating, what is going on here.  This afternoon when I woke up, I am another pound down.  And even more confused.  

I'm tired.  I'm weak.  And I have lost 5 lbs in 3 days.  And I cant help but wonder, is this it?  Am I getting sicker or is it just this cold I have?  Can a cold make you lose weight?  I'm still eating, not as healthy as I usually try to.  I'm just confused.  I have a appointment with my hematologist next week. But if the weight keeps dropping off like this I will have to call the my Transplant Dr and I can only imagine how that is going to turn out.

Last night I served my family ramen for dinner.  Ramen.  I feel so horrible about this.  David of course didn't say anything.  But I always try to feed my boys well.  They work and play hard they need to eat.  I will have to be more prepared making sure I always have a fall back meal for days I just cant cook.  Until last night I would just suck it up and make dinner.  I'm horrible at asking for help.  But last night, when I just couldn't do it, I realize its just something I will have to deal with for a little bit.  I have seen lots of freezer meals on Pinterest.  Looks like that and the crock pot are my new bests friends!  

Taking a few minuets to let myself think and accept this as the way my life has to be now.  Mixed emotions on that one.  But mostly I am thankful to have just been able to wake up in my own bed.  By none other than sloppy kisses from a certain Great Dane.  While two boys sit back and laughed their little butts. Stinkers.  Even though all this mess, I can see that I am blessed.  There is always someone out there who has it worse than you.  Don't ever forget that! 

I should probably get caught up with my Sharing our Spoons.  Two posts in one day...hopefully!

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