May 25, 2012

Trying but Tired

I'm trying to be understanding, trusting and patient.  I'm trying to understand that liver disease is one that happens on its own terms. I might get worse today or in a year.  I'm trusting my doctors with my life.  Believing that their decision to just watch things is the right thing to do.  I'm trying to be patient as I travel the road to transplant.  I promise. I am trying.

Today marks my second year on the liver transplant list.   But instead of being all these things, today I'm angry.  I'm angry that how I feel on the inside is not how I look on the outside.  I'm angry that I have to ask for help.  I'm angry that isn't anything the doctors can do.  My family is going to have to slowly watch me get sicker. Waste away right before their eyes.  I'm angry for all the grief I will cause them.

David asked me last night why I wouldn't just be happy to be healthy now.  I don't want to sound ungrateful.  I know that the time I have now is a gift and I always try my best to live these days to the fullest. But I grew up worrying about my parents.  I tried my best to take care of things when there was no one else to do it.  I gave up a lot of my childhood.  I grew up to fast.  And I don't want that life for my boys.  I want them to be able to enjoy all the things life has to offer them.  I don't want them home on a Friday night because I'm sick.  I don't want them staying up late trying to cram in school work because they spent the afternoon taking care of me or visiting me in the hospital.  Either way they are going to have to deal with these things, but I feel like the sooner it happens the easier it will be on them.  They are young, forgiving and so much more understanding now.  And honestly its getting harder and harder to reassure them that everything is OK.

The other day I was talking to Anthony and explaining things we should pray for and things that we are better off just waiting patiently for.  He had originally prayed for more bey blades and a kite.  He asked me what I pray for.  I told him mostly I pray that my guys stay healthy and happy.  I pray that my grandpa Jim beats the cancer that is making him sick.  And that our family only strengthens and that we have a long long time together on this earth.  He then said that he was going to pray that my liver wasn't sick so I could be happy again and wouldn't be so tired when I cook dinner.

Most days I am able to make sense of the waiting.  Today is just different.  I'm tired. Lord am I tired. So Ill give myself the day to be angry.  I will be better in the morning.  Tomorrow I will be more understanding of this journey and will embrace the health I have now.  I will be more trusting in the life he has planned for me and that somewhere out there is the perfect liver for me.  And I will be more patient with myself, my family and my transplant team.  I am not in this alone.   There are 114,652 other people also waiting for a transplant with me.  

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1 comment :

  1. you get to have those days every so often Kim. You deserve them. I took my own version of this day last week ... and you know what, the next day was a bit better. Not all the way, but a bit. It's hard to be so strong for so long that you forget how soft you are on the inside. For those days, you have friends like me. Who will always listen and are ready to doll at hugs as you need them. Love you lady!!